How to approach ex husband about new partner

[newbeginnings86]

Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you so much to mumsnet for all the advice on my divorce. Times seemed very dark back then but as so many of you said, it would and did get easier.

It has now been 7 years since my divorce and I was very much in the stay single forever camp.

But very unexpectedly, I have been seeing my now partner for 10 months and things are becoming quite serious. Serious enough that I want him to meet my DC.

My ex has never got over the fact I left him and that there was no affairs on either side, I simply fell out of love with him. He reminds me constantly that I have ruined his life, I made a commitment that I broke etc etc.

We do not have much communication between us and drop offs are very much ‘hi and bye’ (he refuses to engage in conversation) anything material is dealt with by text message.

my ex doesn’t have DC overnight (by choice) and whilst my partner doesn’t want to apply pressure, I want to start moving things to the next level meeting DC, of having him to stay over, with the view to eventually moving in.

I know my ex is going to take it very hard and will most likely start threatening me with court for custody and everything else all over again.

how would you approach this? I’d like to be open and honest and my new partner has offered to meet my ex. I know it’s my life and my choice but don’t want to feel like I’m hiding anything so I can fully give this relationship a go.

As I’ve said, whilst I’ve played the ‘seeing people’ game over the years while DC is visiting their dad, I’ve never introduced a partner to my DC because it’s never been serious enough.

any advice or own experiences, as always is much appreciated.

Take it very slow. 10 months is no time at all. Give it 2-3 years at least before even contemplating living together imho.
Don’t underestimate the impact on DC also. Let them all have time to properly get to know DP before any sleeping over.
You’ll only get one chance at a honeymoon period so why not keep the serious side to just the two of you for time being and let everyone else catch up at their own pace. Rush it and it could backfire.

It's lovely to hear that you are happy and moving on from a difficult time.
As he won't engage in conversation I would text him with a brief message - that you have been seeing someone called 'first name only' for 10 months and will soon be introducing him to your son; you are letting him know this as he deserves to know in advance in case the son mentions it.
I would leave it at that as you don't owe him any further information. If he kicks off at drop off or via text, don't engage. If he is silly enough to go to court, let him do so. You are doing nothing wrong, just remember that.
I hope everything goes well.

Must be very difficult buulding a relationship when your ex never has the kids overnight. As you've been divorced for 7 years, your DC can't be really young any more.

I'd be inclined to introduce new partner to the kids first, and then tell your ex soon afterwards (before he gets chance to hear it via your DC). That way, you're controlling the narrative, ex can't kick up a fuss to try and prevent them meeting, or disapprove.

Absolutely no need for ex to meet your new partner first, none of his business. At best it achieves nothing, but lots of ways it could cause issue. Your ex doesn't get to vet your new partners, and your kids must be old enough to form their own opinions now anyway. Nice of your new partner to offer though, and maybe they'll meet one day when paths cross, but let that happen naturally, not some formal meeting with the sole intent of introducing them.

Ex doesnt even have the kids overnight so I would not bother telling him. If he has so little interest in his own kids then he does not deserve to know anything that you do in your personal life and the kids will probably mention to him they have met him but he needs to be put in his place and reminded what a shit dad he is.

I'd not even tell him. It's been 7 years.
When he finds out and threatens court, let him. He doesn't even have the child overnight, so is he really going to want full custody?!

I agree. You’re basically lone parenting them, you make the decision, he’s a dabbling parent at best.

Congratulations on finding your fella.

I'm so pleased life is going well for you. I'm assuming you might be middle age ish, so perhaps you are feeling like "time is running out". It isn't. 10 months is nothing!

Hate to be a negative Nancy, but I'd be waiting atleast another good 2-3 years before even considering moving this man in! Depending on how old the children are, could you even wait until they are out of the house?

It's tricky & I feel for you. You deserve to be happy!

No need to tell - at a push you could drop a brief message as already said but that's it. No need for anything more.

Personally dont feel you are rushing things - been split for 7 years and so you are being selective, if it feels right then do it. Depends a bit on the child but mine had no issue when I was dating, never used to keep anything secret

Hi all

thanks so much for taking the time to share your opinions. As I said in my OP, I really valued the great advice that some of you gave me way back when in very dark times !

I am approaching an age where I need to make a call whether I’d like more children and part of me really does want that. My DC is an only child.

as some of you have picked up, I have been very selective over the last 7 years, I didn’t even start dating until 3 years ago as I wanted to focus on my child. Even then it wasn’t anything remotely near a relationship. I have been really careful getting to know this person and making sure that he is the right fit for my circumstances.

it’s always very varied feedback on when the right time is but equally, if DC doesn’t get on with him then that’s a deal breaker for me and if I wait another 2-3 years for that then I will definitely be past the age to even consider having more children.

no situation is every perfect but I have been very very careful on who I think is right. And this guy is just so different to anyone I’ve ever met. (I know I know - that’s what they all say!)

but I appreciate the advice on how to approach the situation and I think you are right, you never know it may push him into being a better dad ! DC loves their dad so I put up with his nonsense for them. But I want to equally make sure that they know what a loving and healthy relationship looks like for their future too.

again thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, mumsnet has always helped me.

And just to clarify - I’m not looking to move my partner in immediately. I know it’s going to take a while to build a relationship with my DC. As you can see I’ve been very slow and particular whilst separating from their dad. So that won’t change things moving forward either. It would be nice for my partner to be able to attend family/friend gatherings with my child present etc.

Are you assuming your ex has been single since divorcing seven years ago? I mean, a single man who doesn’t have his child overnight, is it likely that he’s remained celibate? What do you owe him to tell him? Nothing, I’d say.

I wouldn’t figure your ex into your thinking at all, but I would take it dead slow with 10-month man. Do you ever get overnights together?

im very lucky to have supportive friends and family so we have had the chance to spend time together overnight. (Not always obviously!) my parents also takes DC away regularly during the holidays to help with childcare and so that I can work. so we have managed to spend some decent chunks of time together.

I honestly never thought I’d ever be contemplating this, but my partner is the only person i have met that I’ve ever considered spending the rest of my life with. (Including ex-h, there was always a niggle that something wasn’t right)

And yes you make a valid point about ex seeing other people and hasn’t disclosed - I know for a fact he has but regardless I just want to do the right thing by my child.

I can understand you wanting to do right by your child but by the time my exh and I had been separated for 7 years, I don't think either of us wpuld have considered each other in this way.

He did tell me when he was getting married (10 years post divorce) as a courtesy, which I appreciated but also thought was completely unnecessary. I don't know if I'd have even thought to tell him!

In reality, if he threatened to go back to court and seek residence, what do you think a court would say?

Yes, Mr x. Despite never having had your child overnight once, we will of course grant you full time residency of your child on the basis your ex wife of 7 years now has a boyfriend'?

You have minimal contact with him anyway, he isn't hopeful of a reconciliation and he hasn't cared that much about your child over the last 7 years if he's never had them overnight (which was likely a control tactic as much as anything).

It has literally nothing to do with your ex. You speak to your children you do not have to explain or ask permission from your ex. End of.

I wouldn’t tell your ex.

Same. At this point it has absolutely nothing to do with him . If he causes issues use the grey rock approach .

10 months is nothing to be making all these steps and potentially really unsettling your DC. You are still in the honeymoon phase.
why doesn’t your DC have any over night stays with your ex?

I wouldn’t tell your ex. You’ve been split for 7 years and he doesn’t ever have his child overnight? Fuck him.

I’d hazard a guess he won’t have his child overnight precisely to hinder you from being able to date anyone.

A man who can't be bothered to have his child overnight ever is not going to go to court for custody. Its been 7 years, you don't need to tell him, unless he's truly repellent he's probably had relationships since. I agree with others though, 10 months is soon to be considering moving a relative stranger into your child's home.

please read what I have said, I’m not moving partner in after 10 months. What I actually said was I’d like to be able to introduce him to my DC and have him attend family / friend events as my partner. There is no where that I have said I’m moving him in immediately.

he doesn’t have DC over night because he hasn’t got suitable accommodation (even though he could if he wanted to he just chooses not to)

and yes on the court point he doesn’t stand a chance but it could put me through months of unnecessary stress because he is very bitter.

thanks again for your views, it helps.

From experience and I mean this in kindness, depending on age and sex of dc, moving him in might take years. I have two teenage girls and they don’t want a male around the house. I’ve been with my partner 5 years and we just have to wait. I get 50% anyway staying with him or vice versa and I get the benefit that in some ways we are dating and not enmeshed in domestic life fully.

I do still stand by what I said that introducing the children to him is too early. You are in the homey moon period.i would get to know him more, your children don’t need to know about your romantic life yet.

I have twice introduced my DC to a boyfriend/partner (both LTR) after about a year and been divorced a little longer than you.
I did tell my ex by message first & he appreciated that. I think trying to keep things smooth is best. I did know my ex wouldn’t stop it from happening so if you are concerned about that message very close to it happening so he can’t stop it.
I would think carefully about how your DC meets your partner. When they were younger we did a playground trip and older an activity like bowling. Something where it is quite short & the meeting isn’t the sole focus. Also out of your house.
My DC took it all in their stride but their Dad has had a partner since we separated so they know what to expect.
It has been harder with my current boyfriends DC as they were in secondary school & had years (like you) where neither parent had a partner. We are taking it slowly but I’m not really being accepted.
It is a different situation though as more DC involved & we don’t plan to have more or move in until they are adults.
Good luck. I don’t agree with the MN view that you can’t have a relationship & be separated with DC but I do agree that the DC come first (within reason).

Do you have to tell your ex that you're introducing your partner to your children? My son is 8 and I haven't told his dad that he has met my new boyfriend.
I don't think I would need to know if my son met my ex's new girlfriend, it wouldn't bother me. But I suppose every situation is different

Hello
I have been separated 3.5yrs divorced for 6months
we do not get along, we have no relationship. History of verbal abuse.
There is a court order stating I need to put my house on the market April 2027 my ex can force a sale if I co habit for 6months plus.
I am in a new relationship around 6months with an old friend.
ex does not know, children are aware.
did not want me to tell their dad as felt like it was rubbing his nose in it.
Anyway we booked a holiday in 4 months.
i have told ex the dates and we will be away.
i just need to tackle the relationship part
advice please