I don't get the desire to get engaged.

Brightyellowspyrograph · 2025-05-12T19:36:11+00:00

Maybe I am just cranky and old, but in this day and age with women having careers, being independent, raising children single-handedly, having equal rights ( almost ) in employment yada yada yada why do women go all gushy over an engagement ring? We don't have to be passed on from fathers to our husbands like chattels as we once did. We mostly live with our partners before we get married and already have a partnership so why do we react like this man is going to carry us off into the sunset and save us from the shame of spinsterhood? It's anachronistic for independent women earning their own living, with important job roles and responsibilities; to be desperately yearning for some man to put a ring on them to show possession. I don't get it. And yes I have been "engaged" (x3) and it is pretty meaningless. Being married wasn't all that either. A good strong relationship is a fantastic thing. The support and love of another person that lasts is truly wonderful, don't get me wrong. But do we need this old fashioned rubbish?

Mrsttcno1 · 12/05/2025 20:38

Any woman who is planning on having a child with a man does need it, yes. Old fashioned or not it is a legal contract that offers significant protection, otherwise you end up like one of these women on here who is single with 2 kids after 15 years of working very part time/not at all, name not on the house, entitled to fuck all.

Plus it’s a commitment.

LilDeVille · 12/05/2025 20:41

Because diamond rings are generally fucking gorgeous and exciting and it’s fun to wear something sparkly every day 🤷‍♀️ sorry not sorry.

Also the stability and protection that marriage provides is also pretty exciting.

Plus it’s nice to think someone wants to spend the rest of their life with you, no?

Original poster

Brightyellowspyrograph · 12/05/2025 21:40

Only if you have a job where you get to wear a sticky out ring.
Would you buy engagement jewellery for a man so people can see he's committed/ensconced?
It's a declaration but often made to try to save something dying on its feet or to establish possession or ownership. A piece of metal and some carbon doesn't ensure anything.
Sorry you aren't convincing me. Still seems silly.

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Original poster

Brightyellowspyrograph · 12/05/2025 21:43

Mrsttcno1 · 12/05/2025 20:38

Any woman who is planning on having a child with a man does need it, yes. Old fashioned or not it is a legal contract that offers significant protection, otherwise you end up like one of these women on here who is single with 2 kids after 15 years of working very part time/not at all, name not on the house, entitled to fuck all.

Plus it’s a commitment.

I don't see an engagement as a commitment. A marriage certificate yes but not an engagement. I don't think it has any legal standing.

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ClareBlue · 12/05/2025 21:47

Why did you do it 3 times then...

Motheranddaughter · 12/05/2025 21:47

As you seem not to have positive experiences of being engaged/married this probably taints your view
I earned slightly more than my DH when we got engaged and it has ebbed and flowed over the years
I did not desperately want my DH to put a ring on it
We both wanted to get engaged/married to show our commitment and for the legal protections particularly with DC

LilDeVille · 12/05/2025 21:54

Brightyellowspyrograph · 12/05/2025 21:43

I don't see an engagement as a commitment. A marriage certificate yes but not an engagement. I don't think it has any legal standing.

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They're engaged to be what.....? Married, which you said is a commitment.

Also what's wrong with silliness? Silliness is great. I don't want a 100% serious life, personally. I'm not making you wear a lovely shiny ring. I didn't wear mine for a long time as my fingers got fat and I never got round to getting it enlarged. It's just something nice. It's not that deep, truly.

Original poster

Brightyellowspyrograph · 12/05/2025 22:06

LilDeVille · 12/05/2025 21:54

They're engaged to be what.....? Married, which you said is a commitment.

Also what's wrong with silliness? Silliness is great. I don't want a 100% serious life, personally. I'm not making you wear a lovely shiny ring. I didn't wear mine for a long time as my fingers got fat and I never got round to getting it enlarged. It's just something nice. It's not that deep, truly.

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So if it's not that deep why the yearning to get engaged? I have seen successful women yearning to get engaged as if everything they have already achieved is meaningless.
That's why I said earlier I don't get the mad desire to do so. Do we need the validation?

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radishgate · 12/05/2025 22:06

So fed up of other women telling us we shouldn’t want to be happy to have a nice ring, get married and take our husbands surname. Honestly this shit is so boring! We can be financially sound, independent, with secure careers and ‘responsibilities’ AND want nice jewellery, a husband who committed to us and a nice house in the suburbs.

Mrsttcno1 · 12/05/2025 22:08

Brightyellowspyrograph · 12/05/2025 22:06

So if it's not that deep why the yearning to get engaged? I have seen successful women yearning to get engaged as if everything they have already achieved is meaningless.
That's why I said earlier I don't get the mad desire to do so. Do we need the validation?

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I mean you’ve been engaged 3 times, so clearly you do need the validation yes😂

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 12/05/2025 22:10

And yes I have been "engaged" (x3) and it is pretty meaningless. Being married wasn't all that either.

Sounds like you might be ever so slightly bias? I think live and let live.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 12/05/2025 22:11

radishgate · 12/05/2025 22:06

So fed up of other women telling us we shouldn’t want to be happy to have a nice ring, get married and take our husbands surname. Honestly this shit is so boring! We can be financially sound, independent, with secure careers and ‘responsibilities’ AND want nice jewellery, a husband who committed to us and a nice house in the suburbs.

Edited

Yup!!

Ratisshortforratthew · 12/05/2025 22:13

Mrsttcno1 · 12/05/2025 20:38

Any woman who is planning on having a child with a man does need it, yes. Old fashioned or not it is a legal contract that offers significant protection, otherwise you end up like one of these women on here who is single with 2 kids after 15 years of working very part time/not at all, name not on the house, entitled to fuck all.

Plus it’s a commitment.

If the woman earns more then it isn’t any of these things.

OP I agree. I think I’m going to have to marry my partner for visa reasons and it makes me feel like such a traitor to my feminism and everything I believe in. The only way I’ll agree to it is with a bargain basement registry office appointment that we never tell anyone about.

Original poster

Brightyellowspyrograph · 12/05/2025 22:26

Mrsttcno1 · 12/05/2025 22:08

I mean you’ve been engaged 3 times, so clearly you do need the validation yes😂

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One I was ambushed and I went along with it because I was embarrassed. The first and third was a precursor to marriage. The weddings happened within 6months and really it wasn't about the big ring or a party or talking about my fiancé. It was all a bit meaningless you either want to be with someone or you don't.

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Original poster

Brightyellowspyrograph · 13/05/2025 07:12

ClareBlue · 12/05/2025 21:47

Why did you do it 3 times then...

I did explain earlier.
The first because I felt I needed to show an intent to.marry ....turns out I didn't. 2nd I was ambushed and embarrassed. He wanted to show ownership and bragged about it because he wanted people to take him seriously. 3rd time because the person wanted to get married to.spite his ex partner. I never swooned over a ring.
All these fabulous strong women who have worked hard and have independence. Who basically stand on their own two feet every day who behave like a pet being chosen by its forever owner. It's so one-sided.
You don't have to be "chosen" to have value in this world.

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Original poster

Brightyellowspyrograph · 13/05/2025 07:14

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 12/05/2025 22:10

And yes I have been "engaged" (x3) and it is pretty meaningless. Being married wasn't all that either.

Sounds like you might be ever so slightly bias? I think live and let live.

Well of course but I just see women not realising their own worth.

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Birdsongsinging · 13/05/2025 07:21

I agree, engagements are outdated and people ‘waiting for a proposal’ I just don’t get.

i don’t see why couples who want to get married don’t just chat about it, decide together that they want to get married (if marriage is something they value) and then do it. If you want a fancy ring 💍 then get one but just go shopping and wear it. You don’t need to be ‘betrothed’!

EBearhug · 13/05/2025 07:22

I get your point. I can afford to buy my own ring, but I don't tend to wear rings. It's nice if a couple agree to spend the rest of their lives together, but you can do that without a flashy engagement ring, and for some it seems the ring is the thing, more than the agreement. If you're that keen on marrying someone, you can ask yourself rather than angsting about whether there will be a proposal.

BangersAndGnash · 13/05/2025 07:38

’Engaged’ is entirely meaningless and anachronistic to me.

It made sense when life from aged 16 onwards was literally a marriage market. Debutantes, negotiating dowries, and strict protocols about contact between the sexes. ‘Engaged’ let you know who was off the market. Engagements were also considered binding. Look at the angst in Jane Austen.

But so patriarchal. Man marks woman as taken. Woman waits, Man proposes… ugh. (I know it doesn’t have to be like that)

Now it’s just ‘we’re panning get married’ . A planning stage. Amongst people who are probably already living together.

And it acts as a trap for do who do want or need marriage, and see this non-legal meaningless status as a green light to have baby, give up career to be SAHM , name not on mortgage or Deeds…

Enko · 13/05/2025 07:47

Couple of things

I grew up in Scandinavia where it is completely normal for both man and woman to wear an engagement ring. Many wear bands style and also use this as their wedding bands.

I liked being engaged and showing off my beautiful sapphire ring. Because it is a beautiful ring. It's been on my finger for 30 years now and I still love showing it off when chance arises.

To me "being chosen" comes hand in hand with "chosing" I still almost 30 years on from our wedding feel happy we chose each other.

I dont get the need to do everything understated and not allowing others to celebrate their joy.

If you don't want to do so. That's fine. It's equally fine to want to do so. We all have different ways to do things.

You dont have to understand it just accept others do it this way.

Dd1 got engaged recently. It was a celebration for both families.

That's ok...

BangersAndGnash · 13/05/2025 10:36

It is OK.

I would never not celebrate if a couple invite me to celebrate with them.

TheHappyPenguin · 13/05/2025 10:58

I lived with my Husband for years before we got married. I never really had a desire to get married.

Then a horrible life event happened and he was amazingly supportive through it and I realised "I don't want to be with anyone else, ever, I want to marry you"

So I asked for his Mum's blessing, bought an engagement ring for him and proposed on one knee on boxing day 2015.

He wore an engagement ring, I didnt have one.
I wore a black dress
Walked down the aisle myself
Didn't take his surname or change my title (Ms / Dr)
I did the speech as he didn't want to
My wedding ring was £120 off eBay and I still love it
We don't have kids and aren't planning on having any
I'm the main breadwinner

And I bloody love being married to him - I wouldn't have changed anything and we loved our (weird and untraditional) wedding day with all our friends and family.

Being engaged was OK - as we got to plan a wedding together but it wasn't something I ever craved for. I wouldn't ever want to plan another wedding as it was bloody stressful... Still glad we didn't do a lot of the traditional stuff - but if people want to and they're not pressured into it, then good for them if that's what they want.

Renabrook · 13/05/2025 11:01

Because some women's sole purpose in life is to 'get' any man and just have children, they have no other purpose it is some women's only life goal

No i don't get it but it happems

Wishimaywishimight · 13/05/2025 11:05

I sometimes think I live in a world of my own where I really don't think too deeply about things. Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing!!

I met DH, he lived near me. We started chatting whenever we crossed paths. He asked me out and I went. We kept going out and he asked me to marry him. I said yes. He had bought a ring that I loved, still love it now.

I have always worked, we have similar salaries (although I now just do 4 days a week). I had my own apartment when we met, as did he. We sold both and bought a house. I have strong self esteem, value myself greatly - never considered that I was in any way de-valued by getting married to someone I love.

I honestly don't think I gave too much thought to the whole lot of it. Still married and still really happy, almost 20 years on.

Also, I do love diamonds and recently bought myself another ring 😃

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 13/05/2025 11:17

Renabrook · 13/05/2025 11:01

Because some women's sole purpose in life is to 'get' any man and just have children, they have no other purpose it is some women's only life goal

No i don't get it but it happems

Equally, plenty of women that are married with children who have lots of other goals and achievements as well. I just don’t think this offers much to the conversation and I don’t see the issue with any of it myself. Feminism is all about women having the choice and equal opportunities to live how they see fit. If that doesn’t involve a sparkly ring, great. If it does, also great.