Partner invited to a family wedding without me

[MyOpalTraybake]

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 2 years. We have split up quite a number of times for various reasons but mostly due to family issues on his side. His children, who are 20 and 22 from his previous 20 year relationship, have never wanted to meet me and the daughter has pretty much cut her father out of her life since we have been together. The main issue, from what we understand, has come from my partner asking me out only 2 weeks after he had split amicably, must I add, with his ex. We also have a 20 years age gap. This was clumsy on his part as this really upset everybody in his life, especially his ex but they had agreed to split up. We can only assume thar the ex had a big part in turning not only his children against him but also family and friends. He has a sister and a brother. The sister has a wedding coming up in June and has always been nice to me. I have been to hers a few times, and we have been out a couple of times too. The brother, who I've also met a few times, however, has barely spoken to me. Him and his wife are close to the ex but so is the sister. After yet another recent break up and subsequently getting back together, my partner tells me about this imminent wedding which he or I knew nothing about until recenlty. It turns out that the reason we are hearing about this so late is because I am not invited due to the children and the ex being there... My partner however is invited. How am I supposed to feel about this, having never done anything wrong?

If you were getting married, would you really want to create a situation at your wedding where your nieces/nephews would be forced to meet their father's occasional girlfriend for the first time against their wishes? Or would you want to just invite the people you know and love and can trust not to create any drama on the day?

He is their family, of course he is invited.

Let it go.

I wouldn’t have invited you in this scenario. Surely you can see that they’re just trying to not cause an argument at the wedding?

OP unfortunately this is never going to get better. 5, 10, 20 years you still won’t be accepted. Doesn’t matter how friendly you are at the end of the day it’s not you but what you represent is the problem. If you always want to feel second best, not like real family and like an outsider plod along. You can’t change other people or their opinion of you.
20 years is a long time. 2 years on and off is not. They are family. You are not. It is completely understandable they don’t want you there. Just hoping if you haven’t got the sense to walk away that you let him go with your blessing and don’t mention it again.

OP the whole point of dating is to see if you are compatible, not to stick it out no matter what. The relationship is clearly unhealthy with frequent break ups.. His children don't tolerate you- that would be a deal breaker for me. His children are the most important people in his life and this will cause endless drama and tension for many years. Now His family is leaving you out of the wedding invitation - doesn't matter if their reasons are valid or not, you should be at least welcomed and accepted by his loved ones , especially if you live close by. Otherwise it will cause problems.

You deserve a happy relationship with less baggage and drama.

Your thinking seems a bit skewed. You're acting like your bf has nothing to do with all this palaver. He's the direct cause of it. He's a grown man, yet you're acting like he's not responsible.

It's a bit like a woman blaming the OW instead of her cheating H.

It also seems very odd that there is all this hullabaloo when apparently he and ex split amicably. Are you sure you know the whole truth? It sounds like he cheated in his marriage, or there were suspicions, and that led to the divorce. He might be telling you a pack of lies about the whole thing.

You said you had a good relationship with the sister. Maybe you should ask her what really went on in that marriage.

Either way, you're wasting your time with this bloke. There's plenty of fish in the sea, throw this one back.

Wow how nasty!

Blunt, perhaps. But I don't think it's particularly nasty. It's certainly true! The family clearly feels no connection, friendship, or care towards her. She's throwing her life away on a hiding to nothing.

To be honest, I wouldn't invite you either. Regardless of who should or shouldn't have asked whom out at what point, the priority for his family are to have him and his children there and if they and his children have issues with the relationship I don't think a wedding is the place they are going to be sorted out.

Also, if you keep splitting up and getting back together how is anyone supposed to think that this is a serious, long-term relationship which will be "on" by the time the wedding comes around?

It's fair enough as for a family wedding the priority is making sure family are comfortable attending. Things won't change, either you accept that they will never be supportive of you or leave.

How did you feel about him 'asking you out' 2 weeks after his marriage ended? Seems a bit odd, no?

Yes. Sounds like a shit show all round.

"Hey, honey, am I invited to your nephew's wedding or not? If not, I'm having a weekend away with best mate so just need to know either way."
You're over thinking this. Lose the drama.

Presumably the sister getting married has known the ex wife for 20+ years, still regards her as family, and wants her there on her wedding day. And doesn’t want the drama that inviting you would bring, even if the drama is not of your own doing.
Suck it up, wish them well and stop making it all about you.

So he alienated his children to date someone very close to their own age and you don't see a problem with this? He had just separated from his wife of decades and jumped right into bed with you. He sounds like an absolute winner 🙄 In the end, he is going to resent you for the poor relationship he has with his children. They aren't going to want you to be part of their lives ever so he will miss out on weddings and grandchildren and everything else. You know this relationship is poor at best. You are young and should get out while you can. The first few years should be love and rainbows and not a fucking train wreck. This whole break up make up nonsense reeks of immaturity.

You aren't in a stable relationship with their sibling. Why would you expect to be invited?

So why would you expect them to invite you to a wedding? I'm honestly astonished that you think you'd be invited!

It’s because they don’t take you seriously as they think their father was a bit quick off the starting block, - with someone nearer their age - and you keep breaking up, for whatever reason. They’re possibly a bit embarrassed about it all. Surely you know how awkward all of this is? It doesn’t sound like a great relationship, in fact I should imagine there’s constant tension, especially given your defensiveness. You could take this as a sign and move on.

He may be the one who 'did wrong' but you are the other woman in their eyes. He is family, you are not. They may even believe you were together before the split with his wife, given his very short mourning period for his marriage.
You'd be best off making your peace with it.

You're not a part of the marrying couple's life, why would they invite you? And presumably they don't care about who is behind the "drama" in your relationship; at the end of the day your on-off DP is their relative, so he gets an invite regardless.

The marrying couple will also be thinking about things like cost per head, and of course, wedding photos. If they don't trust you're likely to be in the picture long term (and the evidence suggests you won't be), they won't want you etched permanently into the memories of their day! I made the error of allowing all my close friends to bring their OH to my wedding and of my close group, literally over half of them are now separated, and I have photos in my album and on my wall in my house of 4 men I'll never see again! In fact one of them even had to audacity to break up with her BF the night of my wedding after a drunken row, get back together with him, and then complain that he had been uninvited to another friend's wedding later than year. Thank goodness they stood their ground as she eventually broke up with the guy again for good.

It’s not your fault but you’re the whipping boy.

I was in the same position. Except the age difference as Im the same age as him.

I am now single. He is now dating someone else. It’s really annoying as I did nothing wrong. He just dated me too quickly after splitting up with his wife for the family’s liking. I didnt know that when I met him though. Nothing to do with me.

I mean nothing to them and they don’t care about his happiness only their own and that of their mum who’s allegedly been treated so badly. (She wasn’t btw, he split up with her THEN went on online dating, I saw the evidence from his son).

Dump and move on. It won’t get any better. You’ll never be welcomed In. You will always be the bad one. If you love him let him go. Otherwise he will miss out on his kids and their kids.

Rightly or wrongly his family don’t like you and see you as the OW. The fact he’s old enough to be your father, got with you before his wife’s side of the bed was even cold and your relationship is an on and off drama filled shit show, why on earth would you be welcome?

He’s their relative. They’ll have him there despite his behaviour as long as you’re not there with him and they can act like you don’t exist.

Its rarely a good idea to get involved with a recently separated man who is usually on the rebound - walk away from the drama, it’s not worth it

It's very possible that you will never be accepted by his adult children or the wider family. Either make your peace with that and focus on your relationship, just the two of you or separate permanently and find someone drama free.

I would say it's less about you specifically, and more about not wanting to upset family members (DP's kids) who have a long and established history with the bride and groom. From their perspective, it probably doesn't look like a very serious relationship as he seemingly started it immediately after leaving a long marriage and you subsequently split up with him several times. Although it sounds like his family members were upset with you getting together which caused the issues in the relationship. But, are you surprised? Even though you didn't know the backstory, you can surely appreciate that it probably felt extremely soon to his kids who probably had no chance to come to terms with the breakup of their parents, and his ex who tbh might feel like he moved on pretty damn quick.

If it worked out and it was 10 years from now and he was your husband, sure. Right now, this isn't about you it's about their family.

You know what they're like. You have left him several times over it. Yet here you are complaining the same thing is happening again.

They do not see you as family and never will. Decide. Leave him and find someone with a better family or accept this will be what will happen going forward. His resentment or not is his problem.