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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn’t want this life anymore but doesn’t leave

30 replies

Entti · 12/05/2025 06:43

Me and DP have been together 6 years, we have a 3 year old and a newborn together and he has a teen daughter with ex gf.
Things between us were a bit hit and miss with our first DC, DP was on and off with me. I tried moving on countless times, but he love bombed me back to be with him. Things went swimmingly for a while, family and sex life was amazing, I fell pregnant and he just turned. All throughout the pregnancy he distanced himself and was back to his old tricks of being on and off. I found it so hard to just him go and I still stuck around to try to be a family. Since baby has been here, he’s hung around and helped out, but some days he’ll wake up in a foul mood and say he doesn’t want this life anymore. This morning he woke up and has done the same thing , and I asked why? He said because I have to wake up next to you and look at you.
I’ve had enough and I’m so upset over it all. Any advice?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/05/2025 06:44

End it, stop wasting your life with him.

SparklyGlitterballs · 12/05/2025 06:48

Life is too short to live it like this. Sounds like he didn't really want kids, or wanted a woman who would focus solely on him, not have her attention elsewhere. End it and find someone who cherishes you.

babystarsandmoon · 12/05/2025 06:51

Take the control back and end it today.

jeaux90 · 12/05/2025 06:52

He sounds bloody awful. What a terrible thing to say. Having kids will always show you what kind of men they are, ones that step up or ones that are useless menbabies.

Disappointedneighbour · 12/05/2025 06:54

His comment about having to wake up next to you is beyond the pale. You deserve so much more.

LemonLimeOrangeKiwi · 12/05/2025 07:00

So when things get tough, ie a new baby, he starts messing you around by being hot and cold?

This is awful for you, having to deal with a new baby and hormones. This manchild takes away security when you need it the most.

Why are you staying with him?

ImaginedCorners · 12/05/2025 07:05

Gosh, OP, that is horrible. You’d surely be better off ending it and figuring out a workable coparenting relationship?

Who knows why some people don’t leave even after they’ve expressed unhappiness? Laziness? A friend of mine asked his wife for a divorce, but was so passive/lazy he stayed on living in the marital home with her and the children until she actually arranged for a removal van to take his belongings to his new rental, otherwise he’d probably still be there.

AgentJohnson · 12/05/2025 07:05

Move on already! He’ll move on when it’s convenient for him.

Itsoneofthose · 12/05/2025 07:09

he sounds horrendous! Get rid!

YesIAmANameChanger · 12/05/2025 07:14

Pack his bags today and make sure he never wakes up next to you ever again. There is absolutely no coming back from this.

Feetinthegrass · 12/05/2025 07:24

What am awful thing to say, the contempt in that comment is beyond comprehension.

Op he is using you, kindly. He bounces in and out when he feels like it. The only way forward is for you to end this misery and move on. He is so disrespectful, it will be a terrible environment for your dc if they grow listening to this snd thinking it’s normal. It’s toxic.

Cyclebabble · 12/05/2025 07:25

A semi detached partner, not really interested in doing very much is more trouble than it is worth. Get rid. Make sure though that he pays fully for his DCs.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 12/05/2025 07:28

Who's house is it? If it's yours just tell him to pack and get out, don't allow him to argue.
If it's his house that's more difficult. Only communicate by parenting app, he sounds gormless and not worth texting or thinking about.

SpryCat · 12/05/2025 07:45

He knew if he told you the truth when you first met that he is a selfish twat that wants life to revolve on just his needs and wants, you’d have walked away. He hates anything getting in the way of him being the centre of attention, your needs, his children’s needs are of no importance to him.
You’ve tried walking away before and he love bombs you back to him because until he finds someone else, at least some of his needs are being met and for him it’s better than being alone.
He has only one foot in the door, you and your DC deserve better than being a convenience for him whilst he waits for another option, someone he can future fake, make out he’s a great catch and start the same old process over again.
He is not going to change, this is who he is, he is not capable of being a good partner or dad and that’s why he can’t keep up with the act he put on to reel you back before with the great family life and good sex.
You and DC deserve better than him, whilst you’re with him, you’re always going to feel insecure, not feeling enough to make him happy and once you realise that nobody will ever be enough to keep his ego inflated, you can let go with zero regrets. Instead of concentrating on him, his restlessness (and as usual) him being the centre of attention, you need to leave him so you can concentrate on your’s and your darling children’s happiness without him. He will always suck up all the attention and deliberately make everyone miserable unless you and your DC lavish all your energies on him and bury your own needs and even then that’s no guarantee he will stay!

countingthedays945 · 12/05/2025 07:51

Why do you put up with this? It’s a very bad relationship. He’s actually quite cruel. And cowardly that he hasn’t just left.

SilverButton · 12/05/2025 07:58

This guy sounds like a real arsehole. He's nice until you get pregnant and then when the baby is born and you will find it hard to leave he starts behaving like this. Presumably did the same to his ex as well. What a dick.

Starlight7080 · 12/05/2025 08:04

That's awful. He is not worth your time or stress. Make plans and leave or kick him out.

Rozbos · 12/05/2025 08:04

Take control back, how dare he treat you like that? You are worth much more. End it and make a life without this disrespectful man.

SpryCat · 12/05/2025 09:19

You and your DC are worth more than him eroding your self worth and happiness! You have recently given birth, you’re looking after a toddler and a newborn with your hormones all over the place on barely much sleep. He, instead of being supportive towards you, putting the family’s needs first is as usual consumed with himself. A woman is at her most vulnerable after the birth, her newborn needs the most attention whilst juggling the older children’s needs too, it’s exhausting and it’s when you need to be supported the most by your partner but as usual he makes it all about him! He doesn’t give a crap about anyone but himself and is showing you who and what he really is, a selfish self consumed man who will never be there for anyone when they need him.
He is outraged you dare concentrate on the needs of a helpless newborn and toddler and need him to step up because in his eyes, he is king and nobody can eclipse his needs and wants! He is a cardboard cutout excuse of a man and has a voracious need to feel adored, he has both hands holding tightly to his golden throne of importance and god forbid anyone for thinking he will demean his status by getting his hands dirty, being supportive and pulling his weight! He is deliberately trying to annihilate your self worth and will also do the same to your DC because nobody (in his eyes) should dare need support from him as it threatens his illusion of grandeur and reveals his true self.
Get rid of this dead beat, it’s better to bring the children up by yourself, let them grow up with love and stability with a mum who chooses her’s and their happiness by leaving a man incapable of loving anyone but himself. X

Nopersbro · 12/05/2025 09:32

... some days he’ll wake up in a foul mood and say he doesn’t want this life anymore.

The two of you almost certainly would be better off apart and the abuse is reason to split as is your unhappiness. However, his life isn't going to be radically different than it is now while he has a newborn and a 3yo children to take care of on his own 50% of the time. He doesn't have to "wake up next to you" but he does have to do his share of taking care of his kids, both physically and financially. The time to figure out that he didn't want them was before you got pregnant, not now. If he can't or won't do the work, at least make damn sure he's paying his bit - as he's required to do until they're 18.

notatinydancer · 12/05/2025 09:37

@Nopersbrodo you think he will do 50/50 ?

Marble10 · 12/05/2025 11:44

Life’s too short to be with a partner who is hot and cold. I’m sorry you have such young children in the middle of this 😞

CandidRaven · 12/05/2025 21:24

Do you have somewhere you can go or is it your house? I'm sorry but I would not be staying with a man like that when he can talk to you in such a vile way after just giving birth to his baby! What a horrible man, tell him to pack his bags and get out if he doesn't like looking at you or if he refuses ask someone for help because this man sounds abusive and you are much better off without him

Catoo · 12/05/2025 21:36

What an absolute cunt he is saying that.

That would kill it dead for me. I would quietly go about giving him want he wants. It would be the last time I shared a bed with him. He would literally never wake up next to me again.

I would plan to separate. Keeping it quiet until I had all the financials etc worked out.

You deserve so much better OP. Don’t waste any more of your life with that arsehole.

TheHerboriste · 12/05/2025 21:54

You “fell” pregnant with a fickle, juvenile, unreliable twat. Why?

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