Saw domestic abuse - What should I have done?

[BountifulPantry]

Hi all,

I was in the garden centre car park earlier leisurely getting my shopping bags out the boot. There was a man in a car next to me waiting. His female partner came back from the garden centre with a shopping bag and went to stick them in the boot. All normal so far.

The man then shouted at the woman in a really aggressive way “where the fuck have you been? You’ve been 20 mins and I’ve just been waiting.” On and on and on yelling at her super loud.

He then drove his car forward so she couldn’t put stuff in the boot. And then moved forward again as she tried to get closer. And then again, all the while screaming at her.

I sort of stood by the boot of my car looking horrified. She must have seen me but didn’t make eye contact. It was too fast for me to react. I was like a rabbit in headlights.

I was walking around the garden centre thinking omg that poor poor woman. If he is that much of a horrible bully in public what is he doing at home? (Well we know exactly what, don’t we.)

I wondered if I should have said anything to her. Maybe if my bf was with me I would have been braver and said something. Maybe I should have got the car reg but it was too fast. But then on the other hand saying something might have made things worse for her… No cameras around and no reg so calling the police wouldn’t have achieved anything.

So what would you do if you saw this? And people previously or currently in abusive situations, what would you hoped a bystander to do?

Could you ask the garden centre if they have car park CCTV and to get the reg number? Could then be reported however I'd worry about putting the woman at further risk by making authorities aware.

As horrible as it is, she needs to get herself out of that situation

No CCTV- I did check when I got out the garden centre.

It’s really sad. Poor woman.

Honestly, probably the same as you. It happens so fast. I’d also worry that if I spoke up and intervened it
might be worse for her as he’d be even more angry.

Horrible situation.

Glad it’s not just me then! Can’t stop thinking about it.

I don't think there's anything you could have done to improve things for her. She'll have to decide for herself what the best steps are to take.

I have been her. It would have levied me if someone had said to me straight, this isn’t normal you know, you don’t have to be treated like that.

he had my head so confused I didn’t know which way was up. Someone outside my family and friends standing up for me and telling me I deserved more would have helped me

They might remember you. You don’t know if they’ll come after you for reporting it.

How would they know where she lived.

I would have intervened. My BFF nearly died at the hands of her abusive partner. She's still scared of him and she walked out in 2006.
I've known a few friends in abusive relationships and have nose for it (copper's daughter) I'm tall and have certain skills to keep myself safe so I'm not scared but it takes many attempts to walk away from these types of men. Personally I think it's getting worse.
I've never suffered DA but I have been stalked and the Suzie Lamlough trust helped me. Worth a call if anyone reading this is being stalked or harassed by an ex partner.

Based on some of the shit I had, she would likely have been punished for making a scene and embarrassing him in public. She already probably got something negative from him for keeping him waiting, it will have been her fault he lost it.

You never know though, she might be on here and recognise herself, in which case just by posting this, you could have helped.

I saw something very similar in a shop car park when I was heavily pregnant and couldn’t do anything to intervene once. I immediately knew it was an abusive relationship before he kicked off from his body language. I also froze and didn’t do anything but it’s not always safe for you or the victim to confront this sort of thing.

I saw something not too dissimilar recently and shouted out to the woman are you OK? Do you want me to call the police? She said no, but I would definitely have said something. I've no real regard for my personal safety though in situations like this.

I was once in this position where an abusive ex pushed and kicked my bike before storming off. I have never forgotten the woman who asked if I was ok before calling him a dickhead.

I wouldn't have intervened before, but definitely would now.

Unfortunately I've seen similar situations where someone intervenes and then the couple both turn on the person.

I wouldn't have intervened but should you ever see that kind of thing again please note the car reg no and report it to the police.

I was once out in an area with lot of people around enjoying a leisure activity. I heard a loud crack. Noticed a woman with a flushed face rushing to sort out a piece of equipment. A couple of minutes later my then partner told me that the woman’s partner had smacked her across the face, in full view of everyone around. I was distraught, but my partner insisted I stay out of it as “it would make it worse for her”. To this day I can’t forget that sound, or decide what I should have done. I’m so ashamed that I didn’t show solidarity to that poor woman.

i have intervened in the past - knocking insistently on the door of an upstairs neighbour when I heard her in distress and telling her boyfriend when he came to the door that I wanted to see her. Next day she came round to say thank you.

What’s the right thing to do in these “drive by” circumstances?

My H and I discussed this scenario and decided probably the best thing is to film it and then take the film to the police.

A very similar thing happened to me in the past, and I shouted, "OI!" and looked into the car at the man aggressively and then told the woman, "You don't have to put up with this, you know." They man told me I was a bitch and I said something stupid like "It takes one to know one" but seriously I was ready to smash him to death with the heavy bike lock I had in my hand, had he gotten out of his car and attacked me, and he knew it and drove off.

Not sure I'd do that now, being in my late 50s, but for sure I'd film it.

Thanks For your opinions - very helpful.

In reality I was frozen. I spoke to my bf and he said he would have said something if he were there. But then again he is massive and looks “hard” (false advertising he’s soft as anything)

You need to be very careful calling out a man for abusing a women. It's very likely that he'll blame her for being the cause of him 'being humiliated' and make her pay for it when they get home.

It's a bit safer to approach her (preferably out of his earshot) ask if she's okay, and tell her that she doesn't have to put up with this.

It's against GDPR to give out CCTV or any information gained from it. It would mean the garden centre would need to pursue it unless the OP contacted the police.

Don’t be ridiculous

"You need to be very careful calling out a man for abusing a women. It's very likely that he'll blame her for being the cause of him 'being humiliated' and make her pay for it when they get home."

This is appeasing behavior. He'll beat her up anyway, he doesn't need a reason. At least she sees that the Outer World does not agree with his violent behavior, AND other people are NOT scared of him. That will help her to escape.

The vast majority of these guys are utter cowards. They are not "losing" their temper with their wife, they're choosing to do so. Witness that they don't lose their temper with their boss, or the cops, or a much bigger man. So we should make it clear to them that there are social consequences to their behavior.

Twice I have seen similar situations. The first time it was a couple in the street. I followed them both very closely for a few minutes all the while saying to the woman, “you don’t have to put up with this, you know” and “whatever you have done, you don’t deserve this”. She just seemed so resigned to it, poor woman.

Second time-couple getting into a car with a child. Man was being abusive. I told him to stop doing what he was doing and especially in front of their child. I said he would traumatise his child if he carried on. He harrumphed a bit and they drove off.

I would always intervene now. I’ve been that woman. I needed to hear it wasn’t normal and that I didn’t deserve it.

I was also going to suggest filming it too as someone else has above.

I don’t think you do anything (unless there’s enough time to speak to her uninterrupted and tell her it’s not okay and she should get help). Even if you’re brave/stupid enough to speak up and tell him off, that normally backfires on the poor woman anyway behind closed doors because ‘its your fault you made me angry, and then I was humiliated so that’s your fault too’. Men who behave like that don’t just let it go if told by a stranger to stop. It just makes things worse in private.

I agree with film and report though as a survivor I think it would have done me good for an external source to tell me I didn’t need to put up with it.