Sudden contact after being ghosted for 5 months

[Noshadelamp]

Sorry this has got long but didn't want to drip feed.
I have a good friend of approx 9 years. We are not local to each other so usually meet up every 6 weeks and go away on mini breaks a couple of times a year.

In between we keep in touch via text.
Sometimes she will take 3-4 weeks to reply, usually after I've texted her again to see how she is.

She's not particularly busy. She doesn't work, doesn't have children, has elderly parents she sees once a week. She spends most of her time on her hobbies.

Last October I had a brain injury.
I have been ill ever since and still recovering with ongoing issues and we've not been able to meet up.

The last time we messaged was January for the new year. I was last to reply (twice) where I was still fairly ill, and she hasn't texted since!

I am easy going and don't expect much but I have felt hurt that she has not texted since Jan 5th.

My fil died in March. I went to text her but stopped myself as I couldn't bear it if she took weeks to reply.

That's when I realised I should be able to expect more from a dear friend, and saw how one sided the friendship had become. With me being ill the friendship had fizzled.

Yesterday I got a text from her to say her mother had died after being ill since March. The text wasn't "I thought you should know", but more like only weeks had passed since we last texted.

I will reply with my sympathies but I don't feel like continuing the friendship now after such a long ghosting. I had already drawn a line under it when I hadn't heard from her in March, let alone a few more months down the line.

What do pp think?

I wouldn't reply tbh, sounds like the friendship is one sided.

If her mum has been ill for two months it’s likely she was preoccupied, but I agree with you. Send your condolences but don’t make any further effort to engage..

Yes I agree, I'm sure she was preoccupied but then I think by that stage it has been over two months of not hearing from her.

Thank you for the quick replies and no fuss validation. I've agonised over it all for so long and yet it seems quite clear cut to other people!

its very one sided and always relies on you making the first move to get in touch.

maybe it's got into a pattern of her knowing you'll always be the person to resume contact, but that's her taking you for granted.

If any friend contacted me to say they'd lost a family member I'd be straight onto it, asking them if they're OK, saying I'm sorry for their loss. I can't always get to funerals at short notice, but I always make sure they know I'm thinking of them and normally send a card or letter of condolence.

it really doesn't take much but some people's ability and motivation is sadly lacking. I like the idea of matching a friend's energy level. Keeps things balanced.

This is MN where you will be told that she’s had a hard time and you should be understanding, and where being treated like a non entity is something we’re expected to tolerate.

I might be inclined to respond in terms of how I view the friendship.

I have a friend whose contact is equally sporadic, and he does my absolute head in. But when he’s in he’s a really good friend, so I tolerate it. But then there are others who only ever speak if they feel like it, and those re the ones I’m less inclined to bother with.

I’m currently in hospital, and the amount of so called friends who have seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth is unbelievable. I haven’t expected regular visits or flowers or chocolates or whatever, but a text takes 30 seconds to send, and I haven’t heard from any of them. One of them contacted my dp over something else they wanted, and asked if I’d mind them visiting, so he told them to text me, and, nothing.

One of the HCA’s wisely said to me to judge them based on how they act after I’m discharged, when I don’t have loads of support around me as I do in here, so I will do that. But after that I think I’ll be having an unfriending spree.

@AnyoneWhoHasAHeart I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I felt the same initially when I fell ill, see what happens as time goes on. Not as a test but a ls a gauge. Five months later and here we are with this friend, however luckily I am much closer to another friend now.
Edited to add, hope you are better soon 💐
This is MN where you will be told that she’s had a hard time and you should be understanding, and where being treated like a non entity is something we’re expected to tolerate.

I know, I have wanted to post about the friendship for months but as I knew there was a possibility her mother might have fallen ill so i thought I'd look selfish. Even though I've been very ill myself and since when is it too much to ask for a friend to enquire about you?

I could have posted this is March when she hadn't replied for two months and her mother hadn't been in hospital yet.
Even then two months ghosted is hard to reconcile.

I've suddenly seen the friendship in a different light, where I'm making the effort, so what happens when I can't do that for a time? Not really a friendship imo.

I'm in a very similar situation. Very close long term friend not replying for weeks, me having to double text to check if everything is ok and honestly, I am so over it now. I am fed up of having to be the one to always check in and never get it back. I really think I am done now with her now. She is also very close to her parents and I know that if anything happened to them she'd be straight on the phone to me after ignoring me for months.

In your situation and what I plan to do if this happens with her is to express my sincere sympathy but leave it at that. Eg "I am so sorry to hear this, thinking of you and hope you are ok". Dont invite any further conversations or suggest any further meet ups - there's no point, she wont reply anyway and yet again you will have put yourself out there only to be left hanging. Send a message of condolences and then drop the rope. You can absolutely still be kind but protect yourself and keep firm boundaries.

OP offer sympathies and condolences but you don’t need to feel guilty about leaving it at that.
It’s sad when people let you down and don’t show up for you. Meeting her energy is great advice, I hope you feel better soon.

I also had a freind like this . You could go months without hearing from her . It got really boring having to try and keep in touch and when I did see her she’d bang on about her holidays her job and never once ask how I was . My mum always says “ only spend your valuable time on people who deserve it “ life is way to short

Any acknowledgment that it had been ages?
It’s good you haven’t just replied straight back. Send your sympathies but leave it at that. If she wants to resume as before just say you’re still ill and your family us still recovering from FIL dying.

I dropped a friend last year as it was all so one sided. I replied to an insensitive text that I the friendship was over.She was all what have I done but I had deleted her from everything. It’s a relief. As you say the expectation and then disappointment becomes the whole friendship.

She doesn't value you or your friendship in the same way anymore. Maybe her life has changed and she's moved on but whatever the reason you've become almost optional in her life so don't prioritise her in yours. It sounds like you may be the type of person she just wants to keep in touch sporadically.

She may also be trying to give you the slow fade and at some point will stop replying all together.

This is MN where you will be told that she’s had a hard time and you should be understanding, and where being treated like a non entity is something we’re expected to tolerate

Indeed. It's so strange to me how #bekind only applies one way and apparently, it's not meant to be reciprocal in friendships!

Agree with PP- express your sympathies but dont feel guilty about dropping this person. In life, people generally do the things they want to do and they dont do the things they dont want to do. It really is that simple- if she cared about your well being then she would have asked you wouldnt she? the fact she has now only just popped up after months of silence when something in her life has gone awry shows that she sees you as an emotional crutch and nothing more.

Sorry OP, but she really doesnt care about you so dont feel even a tiny bit bad about letting this friendship fade.

In these situations i always say something along the lines of ‘that’s awful, let me know if you want to meet for coffee.’ That way you have put out an invitation but they have to follow up and arrange it.
If they DO want to meet for coffee, let them take the lead with time and place, don’t chase them.

Some people are just fair weather friends. Give 'em the benefit of the doubt a couple of times then move to putting in what you get out (unless there are exceptional circumstances)

I'd reply expressing my condolences but leave it at that. She doesn't sound much of a friend tbh.

I would have an honest heart to heart with her. There’s nothing to lose. Ask her if you can meet up and then discuss what’s happened, what you expect from a friendship - what you give and receive , and see how she responds. I sense that ultimately you really miss her, so I would frame it in terms of that , rather than accusationally. If indeed you are as good friends as you thought, it’s worth giving it a go.

I went through a similar experience with a friend of many years, after some open conversation were starting to build the trust back up again and it’s nice to know we can have a heart to heart if one of us feels disappointed or upset with the other.

good luck, and don’t give up.

I think whatever you do is completely the right thing for you and if the is friendship is causing you disappointment then it’s definitely time to back away.

Just to give another perspective, I am your friend! Outwardly everything seems absolutely fine and I have a pressured job, 2 kids and manage day to day things perfectly well. But I have a really weird ‘unable to function’ brain fog with certain things that ends up giving me proper anxiety. I get a message from a friend that warrants a reply. I think ‘great, I’ll just finish doing xyz and I’ll respond’. Then I forget til the next day. Then the next day I seem paralysed and unable to reply as it’s been a day and i feel terrible I didn’t reply sooner. Then it turns into a week and I start waking in the middle of the night panicking that I haven’t responded and feeling horrible. But the next day I then get worried I’m going to get a stroppy reply so I put it off… Rinse and repeat ad nauseam.

This also happens with small menial tasks. I got a parking ticket last year. I had the money to pay but got completely frozen when it came to logging on and doing it. Then I got a reminder and kept thinking I must do that and panicking about it. The fine quadrupled eventually as I kept putting it off.

I’m having therapy about this but too embarrassed to tell friends. Most are good at giving me a poke to reply and I thank them for that but I have lost friends due to this terrible trait and I’m so sad about it (completely my own doing)

I agree reply with condolences ( but only if you want to ) and leave it at .

I was ill a couple of years ago and a close friend ditched me and ignored my three messages so I didn't bother again.
A year later a close relative of mine passed away and she sent condolences...I didn't reply...just can't be bothered when people act like that.

Really pretty surprised by these responses.

If my friend told me her mom had died, I would of course be there for her. Even if she hadn't been in touch lately...... After all, she has ignored just two texts from you......

Obviously you can end a friendship at any time for any reason if you really want to. Pretty brutal to do it on learning of her bereavement though....

I would have an honest heart to heart with her. There’s nothing to lose. Ask her if you can meet up and then discuss what’s happened, what you expect from a friendship - what you give and receive , and see how she responds

I mean, I get where you're coming from but if you have to actually ask a friend to show care to you after you've had a brain injury then that doesnt really say much about them in my opinion. I mean, good grief, if you have to literally ask someone to be decent to you, then in my mind, you arent really losing anything very precious in the first place.

There are some very basic things I would expect of my friends without having to actually spell them out and if I did then it would make me wonder what kind of person they were in the first place.

Sounds bit like ADHD to me

This is why I'm so conflicted!
However it's not just ignoring two texts, it's ignoring me for over five months.
Even accounting for her being preoccupied from March onwards, that's ignoring me for two months without any reason.

I shouldn't have to keep texting her to remind her of my existence only to keep being ignored.

Yes this is it exactly.
I'm sorry the same has happened to you.

Someone else mentioned me being her emotional support crutch and that is exactly how I feel. Which is ok in a friendship when there's give and take. But not all me giving and her taking!

And completely agree about even I'd I didn't reply about meeting up, she probably wouldn't reply anyway!

Thank you @WatchAnXFilesWithNoLightsOn for your perspective. I would understand more if my friend had half as much on as you do but she doesn't work and doesn't have children.

I have a ND dd so I understand making accommodations.

I have made accommodations.foe my friend, time and time again. And been ok with it.
Until the day my lovely fil had 24 hrs to live and the pain of my DH and DC was unbearable, and I went to text her but realised I didn't even know if she would reply.

This is what I would do. Losing your mum can be really awful for the majority of people.