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Original poster

Relationship before sex?

34 replies

Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:08

Okay so for context I’m an older millennial women who dates men. I’m wondering is it the norm nowadays for men to date a woman for several weeks, still be unsure if they want to be in a relationship with said woman but yet expect sex?

I’m curious due to a recent Experience I had where I didn’t want to have sex as we weren’t in a relationship, and I know casual sex isn’t for me. So the guy -who I had been dating for several weeks and spoke to almost daily in that time period - seemed really surprised and annoyed by it, but I guess some kudos to him for not pretending to want me as his girlfriend just to get sex and then backing out afterwards.

That said while I do appreciate he was upfront about not wanting to be my boyfriend at that present time, I suspected he was stringing me along a bit in acting like he might want a relationship later.

I feel if he was honest with himself he would have said not now and not ever. Rather than - let’s have sex and see how it goes.

Or maybe I’m being cynical here and he really was still making up his mind?

I guess my question is do you think it is unrealistic to want the “official” relationship before sex? Or is that not much of a thing anymore?

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 11/05/2025 00:11

Not at all. Just be very clear if you're online dating that you want to take things slow and are looking for a relationship.

DancingHippos · 11/05/2025 00:11

A lot of guys will want s ex and won't ever turn it down in throes of dating. However, it is ENTIRELY up to you as to when you want it. I think it can skewer your clarity of thought once you do have sex very early in a relationship.

Original poster
Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:13

MiloMinderbinder925 · 11/05/2025 00:11

Not at all. Just be very clear if you're online dating that you want to take things slow and are looking for a relationship.

Good to know, he just made me feel as if I was being weird so I was second guessing myself.

I thought I had made it clear I was looking for a relationship only, but yeah maybe I wasn’t clear enough!

OP posts:
surroundedbyid1ots · 11/05/2025 00:16

I think most guys would want sex first and only consider it a relationship after sleeping with someone (I don’t agree with this but comes from bitter experience)

well done for sticking to your morals and being clear about expectations! The right guy will wait (but from a big pool of useless dicks online, you may have to wait a while)

Original poster
Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:16

DancingHippos · 11/05/2025 00:11

A lot of guys will want s ex and won't ever turn it down in throes of dating. However, it is ENTIRELY up to you as to when you want it. I think it can skewer your clarity of thought once you do have sex very early in a relationship.

Yes, I was already falling for him so I think it would been have been unwise for me to have sex with him when he didn’t see a relationship.

I think I’d have bee completely smitten and tolerated him stringing me along for ages if I’d had sex.

I just called it a day as we were going round in circles.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 11/05/2025 00:20

I’m in my 50’s and I can’t have sex unless I feel a connection with with someone. Casual has never been my thing.

I’ve had similar experiences to you where after a couple of dates, I’ve been told Im friend zoning because apparently 3rd date is the norm for sex to happen.

I’ve had several men say ‘I know you say you don’t do casual but….’ Or ‘I know you say you want a relationship but…’

I’d rather stay single than deal with these 50/60 year old jen behaving like horny teenagers

Original poster
Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:22

surroundedbyid1ots · 11/05/2025 00:16

I think most guys would want sex first and only consider it a relationship after sleeping with someone (I don’t agree with this but comes from bitter experience)

well done for sticking to your morals and being clear about expectations! The right guy will wait (but from a big pool of useless dicks online, you may have to wait a while)

Ugh that sucks.

Thanks @surroundedbyid1ots it was difficult at the time as I did like so much about him but 6 weeks on I feel it was the right decision to not sleep with him.

OP posts:
MiloMinderbinder925 · 11/05/2025 00:23

Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:13

Good to know, he just made me feel as if I was being weird so I was second guessing myself.

I thought I had made it clear I was looking for a relationship only, but yeah maybe I wasn’t clear enough!

Show quote history

Nah. I'm sure you were clear, he was hanging in there to see if you caved.

pinkglitter12 · 11/05/2025 00:25

I don't think it should be normalised EVER for a man to be unsure if he wants to date a woman but still have sex. Well if you just want sex then ok but if a man is pursuing you but you're confused abouy ehat he actually wants then there's a problem

TwistedWonder · 11/05/2025 00:26

Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:13

Good to know, he just made me feel as if I was being weird so I was second guessing myself.

I thought I had made it clear I was looking for a relationship only, but yeah maybe I wasn’t clear enough!

Show quote history

I’m sure you were being clear as day but some men don’t want to hear ‘no’ and will push your boundaries to get what they want..

BeerAndMusic · 11/05/2025 00:27

Guys and girls will or wont want sex early on, before relationship phase.

When I was dating I did sleep with a couple of people early on before the relationship was established. It almost seemed like part of the getting to know phase. It was good, but equally had relationships where sex came after declaring a relationship. Either is good as long as you are happy with it

Original poster
Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:27

TwistedWonder · 11/05/2025 00:20

I’m in my 50’s and I can’t have sex unless I feel a connection with with someone. Casual has never been my thing.

I’ve had similar experiences to you where after a couple of dates, I’ve been told Im friend zoning because apparently 3rd date is the norm for sex to happen.

I’ve had several men say ‘I know you say you don’t do casual but….’ Or ‘I know you say you want a relationship but…’

I’d rather stay single than deal with these 50/60 year old jen behaving like horny teenagers

Edited

Yikes they still behave like that at 50+ 😣😂

I know this is the thing, I’d love a life partner but I’m not going to deal with certain things i’m not comfortable with just to have a man.

I have a happy life as a single so I need someone to make it better or at least not make it worse. If not I’ll just stay single!

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 11/05/2025 00:27

pinkglitter12 · 11/05/2025 00:25

I don't think it should be normalised EVER for a man to be unsure if he wants to date a woman but still have sex. Well if you just want sex then ok but if a man is pursuing you but you're confused abouy ehat he actually wants then there's a problem

Agree. Absolutely nothing wrong with someone wanting just sex - man or woman - but also respect if someone wants to be in a relationship and exclusive first.

pinkglitter12 · 11/05/2025 00:27

Also the fact that he seemed "surprised and annoyed" says he doesnt see your worth as a woman or for a relationship but that he was expecting to offload his balls

Original poster
Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:30

pinkglitter12 · 11/05/2025 00:25

I don't think it should be normalised EVER for a man to be unsure if he wants to date a woman but still have sex. Well if you just want sex then ok but if a man is pursuing you but you're confused abouy ehat he actually wants then there's a problem

Yeah there’s a quote that says something like: men are simple, if you’re confused about whether a guy likes you - he doesn’t.

Harsh but mostly true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:32

pinkglitter12 · 11/05/2025 00:27

Also the fact that he seemed "surprised and annoyed" says he doesnt see your worth as a woman or for a relationship but that he was expecting to offload his balls

I agree. I think he talked a good game and sucked me in emotionally but deep down I don’t think he valued me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuthaone · 11/05/2025 00:37

Thanks for your answers everyone, its made things a lot clearer in my head now.

I think he gaslighted me a bit and made me think I was BU.

I was a bit embarrassed to talk about it with friends irl as most are happily married and I’m sick of going to them with bad dating stories.

But yeah it’s as clear as day to me now. He didn’t see me as a potential girlfriend but he was hoping to use my desire for a relationship to get what he “needed”

Onwards and upwards - the search for Mr Right or whatever continues lol

OP posts:
MoominMai · 11/05/2025 00:41

@Anuthaone i personally just can’t do casual sex either and I think the right guy would wait as he’d be interested in solely you as an actual human and convincing you throgh dating to become exclusive with him before they prioritise sex with you. I fancied the pants of my ex and he was strongly attracted also but I still dated him for 3 months first in which time I truly ‘trusted’ him and I think the sex was so much the better for it. I could tell he was up for it a lot sooner but still respected me enough to not even hint at taking the sofa action upstairs - so the odd little gem is there! (Just a shame he ended up being the overly jealous type so I did split with him but that’s by the by I guess!).

Sodthesystem · 11/05/2025 00:50

Hmm...TBF knowing what I know now, i wouldn't get into a relationship we with someone I'd never had sex with. What if they are absolutely shit in bed and uninterested in your pleasure or incapable of taking guidance?

(My ex was like that, even though he seemed lovely and caring outwith the bedroom).

But I'd expect it to be made official pretty much straight after that. Otherwise I'd assume we weren't compatable or, I'd been conned and sex was all they wanted.

For me, I would have to like them a fair amount before sex. But I wouldn't be getting into a relationship until I was sure as well was well in that area (or at least, without any major hurdles) And I wouldn't expect them to either.

SadTexanChick · 13/05/2025 03:56

This is what I am afraid of!!!

I just recently turned single so I am not thinking about doing this for another month or two, but I am so afraid of dealing with men my age and older (34/35+, I am 33), wanting sex before marriage. In fact, after my most recent relationship ending, I am not having sex until he and I have said our vows. But will I find this in this day and age? Sigh.

Redflagsabounded · 14/05/2025 06:43

It's good for everyone to be confident and honest about their boundaries and expectations. He sounds like a twat because he wasn't and acted surprised about yours.

Casual/early sex isn't a new development in dating though.... there's been a good 40+ years when it's been a perfectly normal option if it's what both people want.

Thisistyresome · 14/05/2025 10:00

OK, you have two key questions:
Is it a “norm?” – Yes.
Are you unrealistic to want a “official” relationship before sex – No.

You shouldn’t judge what you are comfortable with based upon what others go along with.

Could it be possible a man may gradually decide to want a relationship out of a “situationship” (as the kids call it)? Well possible but that is not a reason for you to live a way you don’t want too.

There will be men who will meet your requirement of relationship before sex, even if there are fewer of them. If that is what you want then look for those men. If you are clear with him from the start and you aren’t expecting an impossible man in other respects you should not be compromising your values for other people’s norms.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/05/2025 16:32

I think most men (myself included) don't want to commit to a relationship unless they know they're compatible sexually. Some will be honest about that, whereas some will say whatever they need to in order to have sex.

I can think of at least two people in my 20s who I went out with a number of times and then broke up with after having sex with them. The first we just didn't click at all sexually, we had a few encounters but it was like a comedy of errors, teeth would clash as we kissed, our rhythms would just be completely different from each other. The second was so aggressive in bed that I honestly just didn't fancy a second attempt.

Both of them probably think I was just interested in a shag, and was saying whatever I needed to to get them into bed. That wasn't true, I'd liked both of them a lot, I'd enjoyed the dates we'd had and could see a proper relationship forming. One of them I'd fancied from afar since school!

But I wasn't going to a continue a relationship that didn't work sexually, just because other aspects were good. Following the second one, I learnt to be a lot more careful about using the words boyfriend / girlfriend / relationship, and was honest that I wouldn't put a label on things until we'd had sex. That put some people off, but was probably better than the alternative.

Smithey885 · 14/05/2025 17:40

I think the same applies to both sexes if I'm being honest.

From what i've read on MN, especially in the OLD threads, a lot of women want sex before a relationship to ensure they are compatible sexually, just like a man might want the same. This is different to ONS or casual sex, and there needs to be a connection first, I think after dates 3 or 4 is pretty common, there is still some form of emotional connection but not so much that if the sex is shit you'll break each others hearts.

FortyElephants · 14/05/2025 17:55

Personally I would never consider myself in any kind of commitment or relationship with a person I hadn't had sex with. Investing a lot in someone who might not be sexually compatible with me is not something I would ever do. So it's not wrong for men to want/hope for sex before being your official boyfriend, it's not sleazy, it's just not for you. YANBU to want to date however you want but your pool of potential boyfriends will be fairly small.

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