Relationship before sex?

[Anuthaone]

Okay so for context I’m an older millennial women who dates men. I’m wondering is it the norm nowadays for men to date a woman for several weeks, still be unsure if they want to be in a relationship with said woman but yet expect sex?

I’m curious due to a recent Experience I had where I didn’t want to have sex as we weren’t in a relationship, and I know casual sex isn’t for me. So the guy -who I had been dating for several weeks and spoke to almost daily in that time period - seemed really surprised and annoyed by it, but I guess some kudos to him for not pretending to want me as his girlfriend just to get sex and then backing out afterwards.

That said while I do appreciate he was upfront about not wanting to be my boyfriend at that present time, I suspected he was stringing me along a bit in acting like he might want a relationship later.

I feel if he was honest with himself he would have said not now and not ever. Rather than - let’s have sex and see how it goes.

Or maybe I’m being cynical here and he really was still making up his mind?

I guess my question is do you think it is unrealistic to want the “official” relationship before sex? Or is that not much of a thing anymore?

Either you are into casual sex or you are not. You have to be true to yourself.

There is nothing odd about your decision and the man has no right to feel hard done by.

Be true to yourself.

Varies - personally I wanted to try before I buy. Didn’t want to get too far in without knowing we were compatible. Many women are the same now not just men

Agree with this. I’m nearly 60 and never been able to do casual sex - I have to have a connection with someone before I’m attracted enough physically to have sex.
When I was younger I tried but I just couldn’t go through with it.

It’s not that I see sex as ‘dirty’ or anything like that, it’s just not something I can do with someone I barely know. I have to build something first that takes more than 2/3 dates.

It's funny how the incel sites say the most 'valuable' woman is a virgin, but my best friend swore celibacy until marriage, and guys won't touch her. It seems to be all about sex these days.

Who wants an incel??

No, of course... I just mean the propaganda you see from (many) men all seems to be saying one thing, but the reality seems to be the exact opposite.

Either you are into casual sex or you are not. You have to be true to yourself

Absolutely!

He just confused me a little, probably somewhat unintentionally he manipulated me but now my heads clearer and I see my stance isn’t that unusual and yes I didn’t do him any injustice, I was clear from the outset - he was the one that tried to move the goalposts.

I had a similar situation as a 25 year old back in the day where a guy I dated had tried to have sex with me. I wanted to double-check we were in a relationship and he was like um no, and we’re not exclusive either 😂 .

I said will we be after we have sex ? And to his credit he was honest and said no.

And he didn’t try and make me feel bad at all for backing out of sex . I just got dressed and he walked me to the train station, I broke up with him formally the next day or so . I was a bit embarrassed and gutted but glad of his honesty! He was such a lovely, romantic guy and used to drive hours to see in a neighbouring city so I realy did think he was my boyfriend haha I think that experience always led me to not just assume relationship status!

Just to respond To pp that mentioned some men (or women) want to try their potential partner out for sexual compatibility - I hear that! However, I don’t feel that was the issue here. We did kiss passionately etc (won’t go into details) and we both felt and agreed the chemistry was strong.

I had tried to understand what his reluctance was so I asked in a roundabout way if we went ahead and had great sex would that be the thing that he felt progressed us to relationship status. And he basically said no and he was still figuring things out 😣

I mean I wouldn’t have jumped into bed with him even if he had said “yes that’s the key to you being my girlfriend”, but it was just something I wanted to know for my own peace of mind. That probably would’ve been preferable to the reality which was he just didn’t like me enough!

We could’ve have had crazy wild sex all weekend and I don’t believe he would ever have been serious about me.

There were other things (aside from the sex issue) I picked up on, like he started of pursuing me but towards the end it almost felt as if he was trying to get me to chase him and prove my worth.

He was just very noncommittal about it all towards the end and resistant to giving me an idea on when he would make a decision (post-sex or not) he was generally quite a straight communicator. So I feel if it was a case of the only thing holding him back was not knowing if he would have good sex with me he would’ve said that.

He’s not a bad guy but like many (not all) high earning men I think he was a bit entitled. Unfortunately for him his career and material possessions didn’t sway me.

He tried to meet up with me again but I just said no. I think he wanted to try keep me on a string /as a back up girl even just for ego boosting chats as he knew I liked him but nah- wasn’t down with that ! With hindsight I think he was maybe a bit avoidant.

Maybe one day he’ll find someone he’s head over heels but that wasn’t me, and I won’t settle for crumbs and indecision.

Personally I like to try before I buy and know what they’re like in bed before committing to a relationship. I’ve dodged a few incompatible men that way and in my opinion, avoided wasting time and emotion on a potential relationship that would never have worked out.
But you must do what’s right for you.