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Original poster

Ex attending funeral

44 replies

Claire11111 · 10/05/2025 16:49

I need some serious help. Some validation on how I’m feeling or someone tell me to get a grip. I know people’s opinions on here can be brutal and I’m needing it one way or another.

so here it goes….

my partner received a message from his first gf the other day inviting him to her dads funeral. Although he’s only booked time off work for the wake. I know this is such a horrible situation.
they split up when he was 21 and he’s now 39. 18 years has passed.
they never remained in contact and he only saw her dad out and about.
They dated for 5 years. 16-21

I can’t get my head around why he feels the need to attend when it was a life time ago.

someone please knock some sense into me.
thank you

he feels it is a mark of respect to someone who positively influenced his life going from a boy to a man.
I keep saying to pass his condolences on via flowers etc etc.

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 10/05/2025 16:51

He is absolutely right to attend.
Sending flowers means very little.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/05/2025 16:52

I don't see why you have a problem with him going so I'm in the 'get a grip' camp.

Some times your friends' parents have a big impact in your lives.

ChesterFoxE · 10/05/2025 16:53

What is the issue with him going? Surely an ex from 18 years ago isn’t a threat…

Sorry this is a you problem!

Original poster
Claire11111 · 10/05/2025 16:54

Thank you people, I needed that

OP posts:
AnonWho23 · 10/05/2025 16:55

Dont interfere. He won't thank you for it. He had a relationship with this man for 5 years at a pivotal point in his life. He obviously means lot to to your H. What are you worried about?

NimbleTiger · 10/05/2025 16:55

Neither can I to be frank all a bit weird but people view funerals in different ways. Sorry to say but he sounds curious as to how the exgf is doing ? Very odd she has invited him.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 10/05/2025 16:55

He’s given you his reasons, which are valid. Did he have his own father in his life? This man could have been a father figure for him at a pivotal time and he’s marking this by paying his respects at his funeral. Which is entirely reasonable. If he meant nothing to him he wouldn’t go. He might also see friends there from this time in his life.
The bigger question here is why don’t you trust him?

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 10/05/2025 16:57

The decision to attend a funeral or not is such a personal thing, I feel strongly that you should never tell someone they should or shouldn't attend a funeral. So I'm also in the get a grip camp.

sonjadog · 10/05/2025 16:58

When they dated, he may have known her dad fairly well. When you are a teenager, you are much more in and out of people's parents' houses and in contact with their family in a way you aren't when you are adults dating. So he wants to mark the passing of someone who once played a role, and presumably a positive one, in his life. YABU.

andweallloveclover · 10/05/2025 16:59

Yes of course he should go if he wants to.

I haven't been with my ExH for over 20 years but if/when his Mum passes away I will be attending the funeral. She was such a massive part of my life once upon a time and I am hugely fond of her. We see each other, now and again, out and about and always have a hug and a long chat and last time I bumped into her we went for coffee.

There are people in our lives that influence us and who we once had connections with and for whatever reason are no longer in our day to day life. But its nice to show your face and pay your respects and show how much that person once meant to you.

I would also have no issues if my current DH wanted to attend a funeral of one of his Ex's parents. I think its a nice and respectful thing to do.

Why does this bother you?

MyUmberSeal · 10/05/2025 17:01

He should attend. My husband has been divorced 14 years but still went to his ex wife’s relatives funeral..and will continue to do so.

He is right, it’s an act of respect, and the decent thing to do.

Westernnightlight · 10/05/2025 17:02

Are you saying he’s not going to the funeral but the wake?

Is the wake before the funeral or afterwards?
It’s before where I am, and people often do attend it to offer condolences if they can’t attend the funeral.

I’ve never heard of anyone attending a funeral afters ( which some term a wake) if they didn’t actually attend the funeral, but customs probably vary from place to place.

It’s up to him though OP. This isn’t your decision to make.

Original poster
Claire11111 · 10/05/2025 17:04

He is attending, I’ve not said anything about not going.

I’m not necessarily worried about anything, I just find it weird that so much time had passed. I would completely understand had he maintain some sort of relationship.

I just find it odd. But I can see it’s just me.
so he wins this poll. Yes he has a good relationship with his dad

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 10/05/2025 17:04

Honestly, I don't get why he's going. An ex's dad that he hasn't been in contact with in 18 years, same with ex? I think it's odd.

Wait, he's going to the wake but not the funeral? That's really weird. The funeral is where you pay your respects.

Lighteningstrikes · 10/05/2025 17:04

He obviously thought very highly of him, so it’s good he’s going to the wake.

But why isn’t he going to the funeral? That’s where you really show your respect.

Westernnightlight · 10/05/2025 17:05

outerspacepotato · 10/05/2025 17:04

Honestly, I don't get why he's going. An ex's dad that he hasn't been in contact with in 18 years, same with ex? I think it's odd.

Wait, he's going to the wake but not the funeral? That's really weird. The funeral is where you pay your respects.

Edited

OP says he saw the dad ‘out and about’.

JoyousEagle · 10/05/2025 17:07

You’ve not explained what your actual issue is beyond you just not seeing the need, which isn’t a reason for him not to go, it just means you wouldn’t go if the situation was reversed (which I also think would be fine).
Is it just jealousy that he’ll be seeing an ex?

StillProcrastinating · 10/05/2025 17:07

i think it’s lovely that as a young man he built a relationship with his gf’s father. I hope my DD is lucky enough to have a chap like that as her first bf. You should be proud of him !

Scissor · 10/05/2025 17:09

I've been to the funeral of a teacher who meant a lot to me over 20 years ago. Don't know the family, no relationship past teaching. Just very important in influence.
It is a good thing to celebrate people who's lives have made an impact.
That is the point of a funeral.
The remembrance of the person who has died
That will be why he is going.
You can also support him by going too.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/05/2025 17:20

He's explained what he's doing perfectly.

He's not going there in the hope of a quick bunk up amongst the cheese sandwiches.

GoodonHamzah · 10/05/2025 17:23

he feels it is a mark of respect to someone who positively influenced his life going from a boy to a man.
I keep saying to pass his condolences on via flowers etc etc.

Butt out OP!

out of interest how long have you been with your partner ?

GoodonHamzah · 10/05/2025 17:25

I’m guessing you have had some horrific experiences in the past with being cheated on op

I haven’t thankfully and it wouldn’t occur to me to be pushing my partner to send flowers if he wanted to attend as a mark of respect

GoodonHamzah · 10/05/2025 17:26

Claire11111 · 10/05/2025 17:04

He is attending, I’ve not said anything about not going.

I’m not necessarily worried about anything, I just find it weird that so much time had passed. I would completely understand had he maintain some sort of relationship.

I just find it odd. But I can see it’s just me.
so he wins this poll. Yes he has a good relationship with his dad

*He is attending, I’ve not said anything about not going+

BS you haven’t!

I keep saying to pass his condolences on via flowers etc etc.

Sassybooklover · 10/05/2025 17:31

Clearly this man influenced your partner, when he was younger, he just so happens to be an ex girlfriend's Dad. His ex girlfriend presumably moved on many years ago, as you state they never kept in touch but obviously remembered your partner liked her Dad. I personally don't see an issue with your partner attending. She's not a threat to your relationship, and hasn't invited your partner because she has an ulterior motive towards him. I've never been invited to an exes parents funeral, but if I ever was, I'd like to think my husband would be understanding, if I decided to attend.

Stripeyanddotty · 10/05/2025 17:39

I’ve not said anything about not going.

You told him to send condolences via flowers.