Ex attending funeral

[Claire11111]

I need some serious help. Some validation on how I’m feeling or someone tell me to get a grip. I know people’s opinions on here can be brutal and I’m needing it one way or another.

so here it goes….

my partner received a message from his first gf the other day inviting him to her dads funeral. Although he’s only booked time off work for the wake. I know this is such a horrible situation.
they split up when he was 21 and he’s now 39. 18 years has passed.
they never remained in contact and he only saw her dad out and about.
They dated for 5 years. 16-21

I can’t get my head around why he feels the need to attend when it was a life time ago.

someone please knock some sense into me.
thank you

he feels it is a mark of respect to someone who positively influenced his life going from a boy to a man.
I keep saying to pass his condolences on via flowers etc etc.

Agree with previous posters, he ought to go and it reflects well on him that she’s asked. Ultimately it’s also a positive from the perspective of your relationship: he’s a decent enough man that a long ago ex still thinks well enough of him and his bond with her father that she’s invited him to the funeral - and it shows you that he’s capable of ending a relationship on good terms. In the event you break up, that’s exactly what you want - not somebody who goes scorched earth and everything becomes so bitter you never want to set eyes on him again. One of the things I found most attractive about DH was that he was still friendly with several of his exes and a couple of their parents, and that they thought highly of him. Knowing I’m in a relationship with a good man like that is awesome.

I wonder if you would feel different if it was the father of an old close school friend instead of an ex girlfriend… 😏

you read that right!!
it’s not a full out ffs.
we just wanted to iron it out

Do you mean that he’s going to the Removal (wake) or the actual funeral service?
Here in Ireland, lots of people will attend the Removal to shake hands and pay their respects to the immediate family. Far fewer of them will actually attend the funeral itself the following day (usually).

Your post makes zero sense

How long have you been with him op?

What is your issue?

don’t you trust him

do you think she’s using her father’s death to rekindle their relationship?

what do you think is going to happen?

If he wants to go, that's fine.
I don't understand why you think it's a problem, OP.

When late husband died, I was really touched that people we hadn't seen for more than a couple of decades, came to his funeral. We'd all been a very close knit group of friends in our twenties, but several of the couples had moved to other parts of the country, and we'd only kept on touch at a distance.

It helped me enormously to know that he'd/we'd been important enough in their earlier lives for them to travel a distance 20+ years years later to remember him and support me.

You're being extremely unreasonable to question his attendance.

When my ex mother in law died I went to her funeral. I had been divorced 20 years by this point. But I knew her when I was still a teenager, married her son and got on with her. Just because we were no longer together didn't stop me caring for her. So I went to the funeral to pay my respects, and my ex appreciated me doing this.

I don't understand your issue on this at all.

I’ve never heard of anyone attending a funeral afters (which some term a wake) if they didn’t actually attend the funeral

Sometimes the funeral and the wake are at different locations. People may be able to get to one but not the other.

If they dated for 5 years at that age I would imagine they spend a lot more time with partners wider family assume his ex still lived at home at this age?
Whatever the reason he wants to go it's odd and controlling that you are trying to persuade him not to I'm sure at 39 hes perfectly capable of knowing what he wants to do to pay his respects

The bar for inclusion on a funeral invite list is typically very low. It is the kind of situation where most families see a large turnout as a testament to the quality of the life of the deceased.

I recall my cousin being upset his childhood friend who came to our grandmother’s home occasionally as a child couldn’t make it to our grandmother’s funeral.

there are exceptions to this. Some mourners want a more intimate experience. Those people don’t contact ex-boyfriends with the details on the service.

It’s a funeral not a date.

I don’t think you can stop him and I wouldn’t say anything but I think it’s weird. I couldn’t imagine getting in touch with an ex from 20 years ago for a funeral. My husband went to his ex mother in laws funeral but that’s different, they are all still part of our lives because there’s children involved. I’d understand if they’d stayed friends but it’s weird she even thought of him 20 years later.

Behave.... it's a funeral.

I attended the parents of my ex despite being happily married for 25 years. I would have taken a very dim view of my dh if he had been anything less than supportive after the death of someone who was incredibly important to my as a younger person.

I’m with you OP in that I find it a bit odd. I only go to funerals of people I am very close to as I view them as quite intimate events. Despite this, I know lots of other people who feel it’s respectful to attend the funerals of pretty much anyone they know/have known.

If your DH falls into the camp of being a prolific attender, I’d respect his wishes and leave him to it. You don’t have to understand it to appreciate that it’s his choice.

I don't think the passage of 18 years, or any amount of time, erases someone's impact on us. I'm sure we can all think of a teacher or a neighbour or old friend who was hugely significant, important and influential in our lives, even if we are no longer in contact with them. It's not unusual to attend a funeral of someone like that. Teachers who die in old age almost always have ex pupils from donkeys years ago in attendance at their funerals, IME (lots of teachers in our family).

I think what you are feeling is not about the passage of 18 years, or anything to do with his wanting to say goodbye to this man. I think you are just feeling a pang of jealousy over the ex girlfriend. But if your relationship is solid and you trust him, then that should not be a concern.

I went to my sister's ex husband parent's funeral because they were extremely nice ppl and l hadn't seen them for years . It's just a mark of respect .