Womens Aid said this isn't abuse but...

[ThatPlumPanda]

As the title states I'm unsure whether or not I'm in an abusive relationship or not. This is my first time posting so please bear with me.

Husband and I have been married for 5 years, we are both carers for dd aged 12 with a severe mental disability so this does cause a lot of stress. We also have a DS aged 1 and I have another aged 13.
My Husband decided 3 years ago he was no longer going to share a bed with me, stating he needed more space and began sleeping in the other room, has never slept in our bed again. He's never affectionate and i can't tell the last time he even gave me a hug. I've recently discovered however that he's signed up and pays for dating sites. When confronted he said he was just bored and stressed because of our home life and it wasn't serious. This is the 3rd time I've found him on those sites over the years. He's never apologetic, more just dismissive of it.
He only works 1 day a week stating that he must be home to help with DD because I "couldnt manage without him" even though I've told him I'd rather he helps with the bills (I pay them all. He pays for nothing in our home). Instead he gambles most of his paycheck on sports betting online.
I myself was born with a physically disability so no longer work. Universal credit and carers allowance for my daughter covers all of the bills. My husband Is very helpful in the house however and does equally help with the cooking, cleaning and caring responsibilities each day.

He loses his temper regularly and everyday I'm worried to what mood I'll wake up to. When he gets angry he slams doors, throws things around or will storm out of the house. This happens at least once a day and I often take the children into the other room with me to avoid his outbursts. I encourage him to go out with friends and he tells me no because he has no life because of us and all he is good for is helping out with children. I've never said this to him but he tells me this constantly.

The only reason we are together in my mind is because of the caring responsibilities. I cant imagine doing it as a single parent and neither can husband i think.

I finally plucked up the courage to call womens aid and tell them all of this however I was told it doesn't really sound like abuse as he isn't doing anything like being controlling or possessive over me or hurting me physically or trying to control my finances. The lady instead advised me to speak to my GP if I need extra support. But I want a second opinion, does this sound like abuse to any of you?

Yes it does. And regardless of what you call it, it's unacceptable and not something you have to put up with. What do you want to do?

So if they had said it was abuse, I'm not sure how that helps you, if you don't want to split up. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what they say, if you are feeling abused then that is what matters.
At best he's not supporting you and nor is he kind or in a positive relationship with you. At worst he is being abusive. Either way It sounds awful for you.
Are you sure you couldn't manage on your own? Have you looked into the support you could get

It might not be abuse but is he adding anything to your life, genuinely? You’d be much happier without him.

This. A relationship can just not be right even if there is no abuse.

You can leave a relationship for any reason if you are unhappy, regardless of the definition of abuse.

@ThatPlumPanda He clearly ha anger management issues, there is clearly no love in the relationship and you are co-parenting in the same house. While his outbursts are very negative behaviours, it doesn't sound like they are directly aimed at you. So not sure I would say it is an abusive relationship. Just that you are living with someone who has toxic behaviour.

I suspect a lot comes from feeling resentment and frustration at feeling trapped in this situation. He is almost certainly looking on dating sites for someone.

If he’s losing his temper, throwing things around and terrifying the children, of course it’s abuse. I’m struggling to understand how anyone thinks it isn’t.

He sounds like an arsehole, even if not actually abusive. You don't need permission to leave.

He sounds awful and I hope you find the strength to leave him.
I guess if women's aid have a very specific threshold for what they can help with, but it doesn't mean it's not abusive behaviour.
Sadly I assume WA have to concentrate their funding on worse cases.

It sounds like the relationship is done.
Have a good look around at your finances, maybe even get an appointment with citizens advice, local council, benefits advisor? You can manage on your own as many have to and do. I bet there are some huge savings in those family finances to be had - dating sites are not free for a start.
That is so disrespectful to you - if he's not happy and this isn't the life he wants he should man-up and go, not stay out of some misguided loyalty to his children. He has choices and you have choices.
I think we all wonder how we will manage financially and on a practical level when we are considering splitting up, but we all do manage.

Good luck x

I think it's probably that WA has a high threshold due to limited funding/support, they have to help the more 'serious' cases, not as though this sounds like a good relationship. I'd say this sounds like your DH is emotionally abusive and has anger management issues. I'd go to your GP for some extra support, see what they can offer.

You don’t need permission to split.

One of the wisest things i read on here a long time ago was “it takes continued consent from both people to be in a relationship”. Prior to that I subconsciously thought my there had to be some fault, or at least agreement to split.

Regardless of that, this does sound like abuse to me. He loses his temper regularly and everyday I'm worried to what mood I'll wake up to. When he gets angry he slams doors, throws things around or will storm out of the house. This happens at least once a day and I often take the children into the other room with me to avoid his outbursts.

It doesn't have to be labelled abuse for you to not want to tolerate it. Frankly, I think 'abuse' is bandied around far too freely (especially on MN). That doesn't mean you should put up with horrible behaviour.

Whether or not it’s perceived as abuse, your relationship is over I’d say. You now need to decide what you want to do about it and whether you can continue as you are. It doesn’t sound as though you can?

I think women's aid probably hear alot worst day to day but yes. He sounds abusive in general - he should be contributing to the bills ontop of helping to care for his child & working a minimum of part time would be better then 1 day a week.

Thank you everyone for your replies.
It FEELS like abuse to me but as some of you mentioned maybe Womens Aid have a high threshold, although it wasn't their practical help I was looking for, just some advice.
I was a single parent before I met husband and managed well, it's just now we have a DD with high needs on top of my own disability, that's where I become uncertain as to how well I'd manage.

It doesn’t matter if someone else labels it abuse (there are many forms of abuse btw) it’s an unhealthy relationship.
But; withdrawing affection is emotionally abusive, gambling is financially abusive etc.
He doesn’t sound helpful at all.

There is sometimes a fine line between being being a shitty partner and being abusive.

He loses his temper regularly and everyday I'm worried to what mood I'll wake up to. When he gets angry he slams doors, throws things around or will storm out of the house. This happens at least once a day and I often take the children into the other room with me to avoid his outbursts

This is abuse territory. Sometimes it won't escalate into what Women's Aid might categorise as abuse, but sometimes it does. You just have to ask yourself if you want to stay long enough to find out.

Instead he gambles most of his paycheck on sports betting online

He's a financial liability and that's a big problem in itself.

I'm more interested in why you're invested in seeing him as abusive. Do you feel like you need that in order to permit yourself to leave?

I think if you're walking on eggshells around him, worrying that he is going to lose his temper, shout, throw things etc then that is abusive. It's also extremely unhealthy for children to be growing up in this atmosphere. I think both you and the children would be better off if you separate. You need to get some legal advice.

I think it's quite scary to think about caring for your DD without his help but don't let that keep you in an awful relationship. There are other scenarios which could work - paid help, support through social services (respite) or shared care with your DH but living separately. Explore all your options.

That's a good question. I guess because to everyone else he seems like such a great man, he often tells me people commend him for being such a hands on father, especially when the circumstances are so difficult. So for me maybe I want to define it in some way in my mind. To make sense of it. I'm not sure...

It's definitely toxic and harmful to your children.

Thank you for your advice. I think deep down I know I could leave and manage somehow. It's just the unknown is scary.

I do get 6 hours of paid help from the LA a month which helps a miniscule and also pay for some more hours when I can afford to so already I have somewhat of a system outside of husband. You have reminded me that I wouldn't be completely starting from scratch in regards to that upon leaving

It's got nothing to do with 'threshold', abuse is abuse. An abuser wants to maintain power and control. It's a pattern of behaviour, although of course there can be one off incidents.

Throwing things and controlling the house because of your temper is abusive and I'm very surprised that a professional doesn't agree.

This might be helpful
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

He's a shitty husband but I don't think that he sounds abusive girl

leave him though! Aside from the home help, he's bringing nothing to your life and that's enough reason to leave x

This image is extremely helpful in thinking about different areas of abuse. I think you could argue that his behaviour is abusive because it falls in to the using intimidation section.