Womens Aid said this isn't abuse but...

[ThatPlumPanda]

As the title states I'm unsure whether or not I'm in an abusive relationship or not. This is my first time posting so please bear with me.

Husband and I have been married for 5 years, we are both carers for dd aged 12 with a severe mental disability so this does cause a lot of stress. We also have a DS aged 1 and I have another aged 13.
My Husband decided 3 years ago he was no longer going to share a bed with me, stating he needed more space and began sleeping in the other room, has never slept in our bed again. He's never affectionate and i can't tell the last time he even gave me a hug. I've recently discovered however that he's signed up and pays for dating sites. When confronted he said he was just bored and stressed because of our home life and it wasn't serious. This is the 3rd time I've found him on those sites over the years. He's never apologetic, more just dismissive of it.
He only works 1 day a week stating that he must be home to help with DD because I "couldnt manage without him" even though I've told him I'd rather he helps with the bills (I pay them all. He pays for nothing in our home). Instead he gambles most of his paycheck on sports betting online.
I myself was born with a physically disability so no longer work. Universal credit and carers allowance for my daughter covers all of the bills. My husband Is very helpful in the house however and does equally help with the cooking, cleaning and caring responsibilities each day.

He loses his temper regularly and everyday I'm worried to what mood I'll wake up to. When he gets angry he slams doors, throws things around or will storm out of the house. This happens at least once a day and I often take the children into the other room with me to avoid his outbursts. I encourage him to go out with friends and he tells me no because he has no life because of us and all he is good for is helping out with children. I've never said this to him but he tells me this constantly.

The only reason we are together in my mind is because of the caring responsibilities. I cant imagine doing it as a single parent and neither can husband i think.

I finally plucked up the courage to call womens aid and tell them all of this however I was told it doesn't really sound like abuse as he isn't doing anything like being controlling or possessive over me or hurting me physically or trying to control my finances. The lady instead advised me to speak to my GP if I need extra support. But I want a second opinion, does this sound like abuse to any of you?

I think that throwing tantrums every day and throwing things around is abusive.

He also just generally sounds unpleasant, selfish and unhelpful. He's decided just to live off you? Why does he get to do that? And sleep in a separate room looking at dating sites? He sounds like a piss take.

He’s withdrawn physically and emotionally from your relationship, appears to be wanting to actively date others but is helpful around the house.

He’s not all bad, but that doesn’t mean he’s good enough for you. The dismissive attitude towards the dating sites is awful.

Could you manage if you split? I think it’s worth serious consideration.

He loses his temper regularly and everyday I'm worried to what mood I'll wake up to. When he gets angry he slams doors, throws things around or will storm out of the house

You are constantly walking on eggshells for fear of what he will do next. He is physically aggressive, throws things, slams doors and punishes you by giving you the silent treatment (aka walking out).

Why Womens Aid told you he isn't abusive I don't know. Because he definitely is.

@ThatPlumPanda

The thing you need to know deep down and accept as the truth is that any person can leave any relationship for any reason, or no reason at all.

So in the end it doesn't matter if it's abuse or not. His behaviour doesn't need a label. You don't like it and you're unhappy. You are entitled to a peaceful and calm life.

I know you're unsure about coping with DD. But it doesn't seem to me as if he's giving you all that much help anyway. And resentment weighs a tonne. You may actually find it easier to cope when he's not around. It will be all your way, your rules with no interference, no one lying around who should be helping.

Thank you again for your replies.

You are all right, label or not the relationship is over. I think I accepted that a long time ago hence why I stopped getting so upset by the things he does (the gambling and dating sites) because whether or not I confronted him about it or got upset, it never stopped or not for long anyway. The aggressive behaviour is what's horrible to deal with every day, not knowing what will upset him or being in something totally loveless. It's hard to love someone that is so disrespectful with their actions. And no, I don't want to have to live like this forever or want my children to think this is normal.

I'll make some steps to seek some legal advice on Monday to see where I can go from here. I appreciate you all

People who treat others badly and don't respect boundaries rarely put their hands up and go 'You got me! Yes I'm a bad partner'!!

It's in their interest to carry on minimising their behaviour as they want you to stay, but also want to keep doing what they're doing. They can't do that if they admit to being a shitty partner, can they? Then they might have to take responsibility and do something about it.

I'm afraid one of the difficult parts of leaving a bad relationship is that you won't necessarily have any consensus on it. A lot of the time, the person who is being disrespectful is the one that's actually having most of their needs met - it's you that's having to do without, so often that person is on their own, having to explain why the relationship is bad. This can be a lonely experience, as that person is normally our number 1 person to go to in times of difficult or stress, and the person who's trying to advocate for their needs is usually afraid they're making a big deal about nothing. That's totally understandable, but it can lead to someone staying in an unhealthy environment for a lot longer that they need to.

It doesn't have to be 'abuser / not abuser' narrative.

Just ask yourself - is this loving behaviour? Is this how respectful, loving partners would behave towards each other? How would I advise another woman seeing that kind of thing in her marriage? Do I look forward to spending time with him? Is his presence in my life and in our house a net positive? How do I feel when he's not here?

I think he has checked out of the relationship but for some reason doesn’t want to be the one to split you up. Maybe it’s guilt, feels responsible for co-parenting, maybe thinks your blissfully unaware, who knows? But it’s clearly making him unhappy and unpleasant to be around, even though he probably has no insight. What do you think will happen if you have a conversation about separation?

We've had many a conversation about separation. He's never said its something he doesn't want. He just rells me that id struggle to cope without him and he "wouldnt want to leave me in the trenches". I definitely more suspect that he just doesnt want to have to pay his own bills. The house is solely in my name so I could ensure that he does leave but as I've said my worries about the caring responsibilities have always stopped me.

Tonight was my final straw though I feel after reading all of your replies, I'm very tired of this same vicious cycle. Another night where he's gotten angry enough to throw his phone all because older DS was trying to convince him to watch the football with him and he was getting annoyed with being asked. Then got angry at 1 year old DS for not wanting to put his pyjamas on and shouted at him. Then when I said I'd take over he refused (which he always does). I had to ask about 4 times before he simply just left him and walked off slamming doors and saying how much he hates this house. This is so unhealthy

Yeah, that’s no way to live @ThatPlumPanda

You deserve a better life than that.

I’m so glad you’ve reached your limit. Your poor children will likely be learning to placate people who pose a risk to them and will be having their self esteem destroyed by living with someone who makes their dislike of them so clear. By ending the relationship you give them a much better chance of them having positive mental health, self esteem and relationships now and as adults.

He is controlling your finances though by spending family money in gambling and making you use your money for all the bills! And you’re having to change your behaviour because of his moods. I’m really disappointed in Women’s Aid for telling you that.

When I knew that I had reached my breaking point with DH and I was done with it all - not so long ago so my emotions are still a bit like a rollercoaster, one of the things that bothered me leading up to it all and putting up with his behaviours for so long was not being able to manage on my own, without him.
I needed his help with day to day stuff and there was no way on earth I would do this alone. I was no spring chicken anymore, no energy, in pain, relied on him to shop and take me to medical appointments, simple chores like changing light bulbs or cutting the grass - all far beyond my capabilities.

Look at me now - killing it! I have so much more energy, motivation, enthusiasm, my muscles don't hurt, my head doesn't throb, I bought a lighter lawn mower and cut my own grass, I catch my own spiders and throw them out, I waylay the postman and get him to reach the lightbulb, I drive myself to medical appointments, I drive and do my own shopping or get a home delivery - there is nothing that he did that I cant do.
You will be surprised at what you can do - what you want to do - what you have renewed vigour and motivation for when the heavy weight around your shoulders has been removed.

He sounds deeply unpleasant but I agree with Women’s Aid that this isn’t ’abuse’.

That doesn’t mean you should stay with him though. It doesn’t have to be abuse to make you unhappy.

It sounds as if you were looking for 'permission' from Women's Aid to leave him . In lieu of that I think you have MNetters permission. It is a difficult decision to make though but you deserve so much better. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be happier once it's all over x

you can still split up, live separately and tag team care around your child.

I disagree with the professional advice you received. I really do. You live on eggshells awaiting his daily aggressive outburst where he shouts and throw things, and you and your children have to go into another room to get out of the way? That is abuse. No two ways about it. That's no way for a family to live. That's abusive to you and your children.
I'm disappointed that a DV service would tell you that's not abusive.
He doesn't control your money, but he does as he doesn't contribute to the family because he gambles.
If a friend told you this what would you say?

One of those situations where is certainly abusive in nature, but possibly not up to the threshold as defined in law or by certain organizations guidelines.

That was a shocking read op
I have 4 DC ,2 are disabled and will never live independently
I don't have the security of owning my own home and having my own money to pay the bills ,but even so in your situation I would find a way to leave .
That must be having a huge impact on your children,him behaving like that every day
He is financially draining you ,you are supporting a grown man ,while trying to bring up your children
How on earth has he managed to brain wash you in to thinking you need him.
You need to be strong for your children and get him out of that house and out of your life .
We also have care from social services,we get 9hours a week for my son .you could definitely ask for more hours once that man has gone

In which case, get your finances in order and consult with a solicitor know your legal position, and then have a conversation separate. You know you can cope as you have done. I suspect reality is he knows he wouldn’t be able to cope but deflecting onto you. Good luck

The house is in your name- in what way? Rented? Mortgage?

Because if you are married potentially half of it is his regardless.

You need legal advice, so gather the information about money so you are ready.

You may find yourself better off.