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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Housework and CRAP DH. Sorry - i know its been done but im at the end of my tether..

44 replies

pooter · 19/05/2008 13:47

When i met my husband i knew he was undomesticated - more feral really, he had been to boarding school and waited on hand and foot by his mum, who no doubt felt guilty at sending him away (she also is a bit of a slave to hid dad too, who does bugger all - but thats a different rant...)Despite trying my hardest to reason with him and talk about why he doesnt bother to do anything around the house he is not getting any better.

He works long hours in london and has a commute, so the agreement is that i do all childcare and housework during the week, but it is shared 50:50 at weekends. Is it buggery. I asked him to get the washing out of the machine and hang it up, but he left it in the basket, hidden, so i discovered a stinky pile of mouldering clothes a few days later. I rewashed them and asked him to hang them up - he has hung them so crapply that they have started to smell again as they were all folded and didnt dry properly.

He leaves his toenail clippings on the floor despite the fact that DS will come along and eat them if i dont get there first. Wet towels and dirty clothes strewn everywhere. He doesnt even do the traditionally 'male'jobs like cutting the grass (im very allergic) and diy.

Its getting so that i am taking it personally - like he doesnt respect me and doesnt care that he is making more work for me and making our home a disgrace. Is the fact that he earns a decent amount of money and i am a SAHM enough to make me his house elf?? I get so angry with him i want to HIT him and run away with DS.AAAAAgggghhhhhhhh.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 19/05/2008 13:51

Does he iron his own shirts?

I assume that kind of thing is done at the weekends? Why not make that his job. then if no shirts for mondey - his problem.

pooter · 19/05/2008 13:54

What do you think??? No he doesnt. Yes thats a good idea.

What annoys me so much is that he obviously doesnt care about how his crapness affects the family. I will have to think about other things that will only affect him...

OP posts:
TattooedGrrrl · 19/05/2008 13:56

Make it clear you are unhappy, and things must change. If they don't, stop washing HIS clothes, stop buying foods HE likes, leave his clippings and wet towels on his pillow etc etc until he realises you are serious.

talilac · 19/05/2008 14:01

Get a cleaner. His slovenliness won't stop making you angry, but when you're not the one cleaning up after him you won't feel angry all the time. Then you can tackle the remainder of the problem more rationally. Ie - give him jobs that don't affect everyone else, like washing and ironing his own clothes.

If he protests, present him with a bill for your time. Going rates are: £8-9 an hour for childcare (more out of hours), £7 an hour for housework. Ironing £2 a shirt. Gardening and DIY probably £10-£20 an hour. If nothing else it will give you a starting point for discussion on whether the burden he's placing on you is a fair one!

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:01

I have had this discussion with him SOOO many times. He agrees hes selfish and will change, then nothing happens. I think you are right TG, i have to take action that will affect him.

I dont share a bed with him at the mo - cosleeping with ds instead, so i could make his room a no go area. If his clothes are still on the floor of his room - thats where they stay type of thing.

Why doesnt he just pull his weight??
THanks for replying by the way - i know this isnt as serious as some of the posts on here, but i honestly think it might end up driving me away from him if things dont change.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 19/05/2008 14:05

My dh is generally quite good but has gotten sloppy over the years. He is also in the spare room at the moment as DS is still waking alot in the night.

I got sick of his clothes being dumped and cups left everywhere so I just started dumping them all on the spare room floor and letting it all pile up, then I closed the door and ignored it. He did eventually get the message.

Cappuccino · 19/05/2008 14:06

many, many years ago, when both dh and I were working f/t, I got angry that he didn't do enough

so I stopped doing his washing

I reckoned it was done as a favour to him and it was the only job that didn't hack me off, as he has a higher tolerance for mess than I have

he didn't notice for a while and then started going 'I used to have a lot more clothes' it was very funny

I recommend it

he is reformed character now tonight he will be washing the floors

also if he does jobs wrong, show him how. treat him like utter idiot. think of jobs that only utter idiots can do and give him those

mind you i don't get how he could have 'hung the laundry wrong' - is that even possible? was it on the line? is it possible you're being a tiny bit precious about it being done 'your way'?

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:07

OOhh, good plan CT. Shame i tidied his room this morning! Will put a stop to that immediately..

OP posts:
cmotdibbler · 19/05/2008 14:09

Get him to agree a list of jobs that are his. Write them down and stick to the fridge. If necessary detail what is involved. Then just refer to it, so rather than nagging you can just point out that he agreed to the list and it seems to be lacking. If really necessary, if he has a Blackberry or similar, you can send him meeting requests to do things and it will remind him of them.

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:10

oh my god - cappuchino - It IS possible for laundry to be hung wrongly!! It was inside on the clothes maiden, and he had just upturned the basket on top of it! They werent hung up at all- just a pile of wet clothes ona wire frame! Seriously - if clothes dont dry and start to go mouldy - he has not done it correctly!! I am not precious - just dont want stinky mouldering clothes.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 19/05/2008 14:11

oh sorry yes that is wrong

I have seen grown women rehang stuff though because it wasn't right

ConnorTraceptive · 19/05/2008 14:11

Yep, do it. I also stopped cleaning, hoovering in there nor did I change his bedding.

Don't get me wrong my DH works very hard and does plenty around the house so I don't expect him to do cleaning as such but I also don't expect him to make my job harder by being sloppy if get what I mean?

Lets face it, it doesn't take a second to put clothes in the dirty basket does it and If your coming downstairs in the morning to the kitchen bring your F-ing cups with you!!

talilac · 19/05/2008 14:12

I disagree, it definitely is possible to hang laundry wrong.. Frinstance, if you've got a clothes airer and a woolly jumper, would you hang it over the pointy stick bit of the airer so the wool goes all out of shape? No you would not. DH on the other hand, would. Its a matter of forethought. I have it, and in this particular area he does not.

tigana · 19/05/2008 14:12

IME, men will often do a 'chore' incorrectly order to avoid being asked to do it again. Now, I don't know if this is a deliberate act or a subsoncscious one...
And also ime, women fall for this and do the "...tsk, if you want a job doing properly..." routine.

Like Capp says, give him an idiots job with instructions and do not fall for the rubbish job he does of it the 1st time. Grit your teeeth.

I stored up all DHs dirty socks and boxers that I picked up from the bedroom floor ( right next to the laundry basket ...naturally) and put them under his side of the duvet. That got the message across. For a while anyway.

littlewoman · 19/05/2008 14:12

I have this trouble with my children, for goodness sake. A man ought to be able to take care of himself. And I agree, I also take it very personally. I do things for them because they need my help, and I love them. Work is love in action. It should be reciprocated, otherwise you're just a blooming mug, is how I feel, and that's why I'm on antidepressants ggrrrr.

So, anyway, less about me. You have my total sympathy, pooter.

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:12

Have tried the list. I made a chart - printed it out in colour, got him to sign it!! He just doesnt care. You should have seen his rented house before he moved in with me - i only went there once then refused to go back. I have to say i am not at all houseproud, but i do the washing up, pick up post from the floor (he had a years worth of junk mail on the floor) and dispose of pizza boxes, etc - im a bit messy, but at least its clean mess.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 19/05/2008 14:13

Cappuccino - of course it's possible to hang laundry wrong. You just dump them over the line straight from the basket, pick up the ones that fall off and drape them over the top. They take days to dry and come out all crumply.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/05/2008 14:13

Oops, lots of x-posts!

Cappuccino · 19/05/2008 14:15

oh and if he doesn't mow the lawn get yourself a gardener

get a really fit one with his shirt off

Anniegetyourgun · 19/05/2008 14:16

Oh and Tigana - if I put dirty clothes on XH's side of the bed, he slept on them.

pooter · 19/05/2008 14:18

Thats exactly it TC, i agree that as i am not out at work, i should do the childcare and housework, but he should not make my job harder! I too am on ADs littlewoman - and about to ask for a higher dose....

Well, you have all given me good ideas, and im not being unreasonable to expect an adult to take a little responsibilty for himself am i?

Thankyou for your advice - i will try it out. If all fails i will make all his meals from tofu.

OP posts:
pooter · 19/05/2008 14:19

so annie - did you ever get him to pull his weight?

lol at the sleeping on clothes comment - if i put a load of clean clothes on his bed, he shifts them onto the floor and goes to sleep.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 19/05/2008 14:19

mind you I don't do any housework at weekends and wouldn't expect dh to

apart from loading dishwasher/ hanging up one load of washing what is there to do?

ConnorTraceptive · 19/05/2008 14:20

Also I think I did myself a huge favour by biting my tongue the whole time and I didn't utter a word as I watched him put his clothes in the washing machine.

littlewoman · 19/05/2008 14:20

pmsl at the tofu idea. What a brilliantly original solution

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