Housework and CRAP DH. Sorry - i know its been done but im at the end of my tether..

[pooter]

When i met my husband i knew he was undomesticated - more feral really, he had been to boarding school and waited on hand and foot by his mum, who no doubt felt guilty at sending him away (she also is a bit of a slave to hid dad too, who does bugger all - but thats a different rant...)Despite trying my hardest to reason with him and talk about why he doesnt bother to do anything around the house he is not getting any better.

He works long hours in london and has a commute, so the agreement is that i do all childcare and housework during the week, but it is shared 50:50 at weekends. Is it buggery. I asked him to get the washing out of the machine and hang it up, but he left it in the basket, hidden, so i discovered a stinky pile of mouldering clothes a few days later. I rewashed them and asked him to hang them up - he has hung them so crapply that they have started to smell again as they were all folded and didnt dry properly.

He leaves his toenail clippings on the floor despite the fact that DS will come along and eat them if i dont get there first. Wet towels and dirty clothes strewn everywhere. He doesnt even do the traditionally 'male'jobs like cutting the grass (im very allergic) and diy.

Its getting so that i am taking it personally - like he doesnt respect me and doesnt care that he is making more work for me and making our home a disgrace. Is the fact that he earns a decent amount of money and i am a SAHM enough to make me his house elf?? I get so angry with him i want to HIT him and run away with DS.AAAAAgggghhhhhhhh.

theres always cooking and cleaning up after meals which i always do (he has only ever cooked cheese on toast)

Bloody boarding schools. theyve turned him into a hapless nerd. He actually asked me how to boil an egg when we first got together - and wasnt joking!

Oh Pooter you poor thing, I agree with all the others that you just stop doing his stuff. I would remind him at the weekend to wash his shirts/trousers/underwear etc and then remind him he has to iron them.

Make it VERY clear that you will NOT be doing it for him. And please don't crack.

Keep his bedroom door shut so you don't see the mess.

I am very very lucky that I have a dh who despite having a mother who did really look after him domestically she also taught him to do it all.

So although I am a sahm he helps loads, no complaning! I have 2 sons who I want to grow up knowing that housework isn't "women's work" as my lovely FIL will say!!!!!

My ds1 is 5 in a few weeks and he has chores already, he takes his breakfast stuff into the kitchen and for dinner he sets the table. Ds2 who is 2 today copies him and takes his stuff to the kitchen too.

If his room is messy how is he ever going to get his children to tidy theirs? We lead by example.

What job does he do? I don't expect he was born with the skills to do spreadsheets, merchant banking or whatever. Or that his mum taught him how to do it. Somebody showed him the first time and then he was expected to get on with it to a satisfactory standard after that. Anyone can learn to do basic housework, it's not difficult but it is boring and so lots of people make out that they are just inept....well not in my household!

Stop dealing with your husband's smelly washing and he has to deal with the consequences. If he has to wear smelly clotehs to work he will soon learn how to do it properly.

A serious talk is in order.

Ahh, fizzy, your ds sounds brill!

My little bro (30) is great at doing the housework and anything else that needs doing. I suppose im used to the men in my life (dad and bro) both taking responsibility for their home and family, and cant understand why my husband doesnt want to contribute in this way.

My ds is certainly going to grow up being able to look after himself! I do worry about what kind of example re 'womans work' i am setting for him though.

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No, Pooter, I didn't. One of the many reasons he is now XH.

if he leaves wet clothes to dry so that they smell (and know exactly what you mean, BTW), separate out his from everyone else's, wash everyone else's and put his away. He'll soon get the message when he pull out stinky shirt after stinky shirt... !

DS used to make out washing/putting away was my 'job'. Told him my job was looking after DS1 and to feck off! after a few arguments and me refusing to back down he did actually admit it wasn't my job.

You're looking after your kids - that's a FT job in my book.

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Sorry Annie. I dont want that to happen to me and DH, and most of the time we are ok, but somethimes his thoughtlessness makes me want to commit acts of unspeakable violence upon him. but i wont. Calm down pooter. its only a sock....

sufi, im about to to that now - back in the washer with mine and ds's stuff (for the third time fgs!) and in dhs wardrobe hehehe - or should i just leave them on teh dryer and not put them away...yep, i'll try that. Am feeling sneakily evil!!

my DP does stuff-all too.

But he pays for a cleaner 4 hours a week.

Everyone is happy.

If dp's work trousers don't find their way into the linen basket, they remain unwashed ready for Monday morning

Any clothes that aren't put away after wearing or put in the linen basket are chucked in a pile in a corner of the bedroom, where I don't have them constantly in my face. Ditto paperwork, mail, shoes etc

Whoever cooks, the other one clears away after

I do most of the housework but do work p/t too

Dp does all DIY stuff

If told what to do, he will do it (I work weekends sometimes)

I am his Lover, not his Mother

Pooter I am sorry you are having to deal with this! I think all the advice you have had so far is right on the money. You are doing THE MOST important job EVER you are raising your (and his) son. That is an elevated position in my books which does not include slavery! Me and DH do everything equally - if anything he does more than me though I do almost all the childcare. I actually think I need to start doing more so DG does a little less but thats besides the point.

Be strong! Get him to be a bit more self sufficient! I agree just do what you need to for you and DS and let him learn his lesson!

good for you Pooter, stick to yer guns! Sneaky is good...

Its all well and good paying for a cleaner. that will not help the issue here, just lessen it.

How will getting a cleaner make the dumped-on-bathroom-floor-towels/clothes move themselves? Wet towels on the carpet I could not put up with...and why should you?

He sounds like someone who does not do it because he knows you will/he is just a dirty lazy git. What would he be like in his own place if he was single? If you know that, theres your answer.

Oh and the toenail cutting on the carpet, sorry but would have to divorce

Agree with foxy.

I'm not sure why you are investing so much time and energy trying to get him to do things such as laundry and ironing that you can just pay someone £10 an hour to do.

Yes the matters of basic personal hygiene such as picking up own toenail clippings should be addressed ( although this is a habit that my fairly domesticated DH seems to have as well), and I think its fair enough to expect him to do things to put clothes in a laundry basket and stack and unstack the dishwasher. But, at the risk of being somewhat unpopular here, if it were me I'd rather he spent his weekends with his DS than catching up on domestic chores that could have been done during the week and not necessarily by you.

Anyone want to bet that if I type the word...

XENIA

that she'll come along? This is the point at which we need the bit about outsourcing the shit jobs neither of you want to do

Which I agree with, btw. Have just found a new cleaner after a period of about two months of dirty-messy-house after our other one did a flounce and it just makes things soooo much easier and reduces the stress between us. I can recommend it...

I kinda knew how much I did around this house, but it hit home this weekend.

I mowed the lawn, did 4 loads of washing, cooked numerous meals, ironed said washing, put washing away. Cleaned bathroom, cleaned other 2 toilets, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher many times, hoovered, tidied up, went shopping (with 2 small boys), made beds, washed kitchen floor, cleaned kitchen twice. This as well as looking after 2 small boys, one teenager and one teenage german exchange student...oh and one DH! And I was forced...yes forced to go swimming with them all yesterday

DS1 and DH do know that if school/work stuff isn't in the wash by Saturday morning it doesn't get done for Monday.

DH pretends to be busy, but in reality it takes him 50 times longer to do something than I do. Last weekend it took him all day to fit a child seat to the back of his bike Oh and he can't hang up washing for toffee.

However he does like a tidy drawer/cupboard and will spend ages sorting a kitchen cupboard when there was nothing wrong with it in the first place!

Tell him mto eat his toenails. My DH does! Yuk!