Separated but having to live together.

[tiredconfusedhungry]

Apologies if I miss any details, I’m trying not to waffle. 2 weeks ago I found out DH has been messaging a work colleague. Turns out they’ve been talking for just over a month, an emotional affair, they’ve kissed and had a secret date. DH showed me all the messages and I believe everything he’s told me.

We've been married over 10 years and have 2 DD’s. When we discussed all of the above it turns out DH has been unhappy for some time, should have told me months ago how he felt, didn’t, this then developed with colleague and now we find ourselves here.

Annoyingly, now we’ve been talking, he can see that we definitely could have worked on things and resolved things, but now given the cheating I am not prepared to. He has a busy stressful job, he is often away I have to put a lot of trust in him and there is no way I can do that now. Also, he wasn’t prepared to cut things off with colleague immediately (he wanted time to think) so that told me everything I needed to know really.

Onto my issue. We can’t sell the house right now (we wouldn’t get enough if anything out of it for each of us to buy) neither can we afford for one of us to rent.

So we are having to live here together until such time as that changes. Ours DD’s don’t know anything yet and we want to hold off telling them until we have to. And we have kept everything normal, DH is in the spare room but this isn’t unusual, he sometimes goes in there when his sciatica plays up. We are still talking, laughing, playing with the kids, eating together, days out as a family etc.

But I’m finding it hard. We are separated but nothing has really changed. I don’t even know how I feel. I’m not angry, I’m hurt, I’m sad and putting on a front is exhausting. My patience and tolerance for the kids wears thin quickly and I feel like I’m not being the best Mum to them right now.

DH has offered to stay at friends/work a few nights a week, but I feel this will only punish our kids who miss him so much when he goes away for work.

What do I do? What’s best for my kids or what’s best for me?

What a terrible shock.

But maybe your marriage is salvageable. Would you like that?

I did to start with. But right now I can’t trust him. His job involves him being on call, having to dash off with no notice to anywhere in the county. Often unable to call me. I have to trust he is where he says he is, doing what he says he’s doing.

He can’t cut off contact with colleague as they work together.

Plus he wasn’t willing to stop contact with her when I found out about it all and he said he didn’t know what he wanted. I’m not an ‘option’ to be decided upon. I should be your first choice! If I’m not then I don’t see how we can salvage anything.

‘Plus he wasn’t willing to stop contact with her when I found out about it all and he said he didn’t know what he wanted’

Was this before you talked and he realised the issues were fixable, if he hadn’t cheated? Would he cut contact etc and put you first now?

@BackwiththeBangso the night I asked him about it all, I said if we had any hope of sorting this all out, he needed to tell her that he needed to stop all non essential/work focussed contact. He said he would, then 2 days later said he couldn’t. Which is when I decided that we have no way forwards.

He has said he still doesn’t know what he wants, he doesn’t see them having a ‘proper’ relationship due to logistics (she also has young children) physical distance etc and he said before this EA started, he really felt like he needed time on his own. He isn’t sure did he still needs that.

From personal experience it only gets easier when you have told your children and can create a proper framework of how this works.
What is the reason for not telling tour children?

We didn't tell ours for 7 months as my ex was not happy with the separation and I was worried that he would contradict me when we told them and it's important to put up a united front to put them at ease. Those 7 months were really hard, once they knew we still did days out and even hsd a family holiday, but it also meant that we weren't pretending which when you are going through such emotional turmoil is an additional pressure you don't need.

@Freeflighti think because originally we didn’t know what was going on, so didn’t want to tell them one thing and then change it. But now we know we won’t be getting back together, we are hesitant because our eldest DD won’t take it well.

She is a sensitive little girl, she already struggles with anxiety around being away from me, even me going out for the evening causes problems. She won’t do sleepovers at her Grandparents, she’s having struggles with friends at school. We thought that waiting until the summer holidays might be better because she hasn’t got to worry about the school stuff, plus we can say to her look, we’ve been separated for 2 months already and it’s been fine, we will also have a better idea of what the future will look like to give her more information.

I’d take him up on his offer to spend a few nights away. It will be a nice break for you and the kids need to get used to the new arrangements. Kids are adaptable. Then maybe you could be out most of the evenings when he is home?

It will probably be tough until that point keeping up the pretence, and depending on her age, she might notice the subtle changes so be prepared for that.
But sounds like a sensible option and as long as you have a point where you know you can start the next stages it will make it that bit easier.

No lying, it's going to be a roller coaster, but you do come out the other side.

@tiredconfusedhungry i don’t have any advice but just wanted to say how brave and selfless you are in how you’re managing this to protect your family. I don’t have any family and I’m irrationally annoyed on your behalf that something so precious your DH couldn’t even be bothered to discuss potential problems with you and would rather just jump into something new and exciting rather than prioritise his own wife but especially his kids. And also really admire the stand you’re taking in assessing his behaviour objectively and deciding to go it alone despite the upheaval it will cause - I agree in the LT it will be worthwhile. I think he will regret his behaviour. Good luck navigating through this and I hope you have people to support you through this ♥️

Having read more of your posts, I think you’re making the right decision even thought it’s painful now, in the longer term this doesn’t sound like it would be sustainable and a fresh start would be better. This is a mess of his making, and I would lean on him to resolve it, It’ll be easier in the longer term for your DD if they’re getting used to him being away more frequently. I’m assuming you’re not thinking of 50/50 custody?

It’s going to be very hard to move on in this situation, and painful for you if he pursues this relationship while you’re living together. I’d want some ground rules in place about that,

I’d also be looking at any option for any housing you can - a rented room for him, a caravan in the garden, definitely take him up on shift work / staying at a mates so he’s around less and then perhaps a cheap Airbnb for the nights he’s ‘home’ so you do a bit of nesting,

I think you might start to feel the anger soon - and rightly so, I’m furious on your behalf at how easily he’s thrown his family away without addressing the issues. But you shouldn’t have to suffer any more than you would under these circumstances normally by being forced to live together.

My heart goes out to you @tiredconfusedhungry what a shock!! And then ontop of it u have no choice but to live together. Sending u hugs

Thanks @MoominMai I feel anything but brave.

@BackwiththeBangi think we are looking at 50/50. Although he’s been a dickhead of the highest order recently, he’s a good dad and our girls adore him. He’s really involved with all the day to day stuff so there would be no reason to argue other than I really don’t want to spend half of the week away from them. Dd is fine being left with DH it’s more if we both go out.

We have discussed ground rules, although he still maintains this isn’t a ‘relationship’. Not sure what else you’d call it though.

Maybe I do need to get him to stay out a few nights. He’s away for work soon for 4 days, after that might be a good time to start.

I'm not sure that many people that separate can afford to run two homes without help.

I think most of the time the dad leaves without the kids, working full time and houses himself - whether buying, renting, lodging with family etc anc pays maintenance, and the mother, having the children with her claims universal credit to top up her wages to what is needed to pay rent/childcare etc. That's my understanding of what is usual.

If you wait until you can both afford to buy/pay mortgages you might be stuck like this for a decade?

@Winter2020unfortunately for us we got a hefty second mortgage a few years ago to fund a renovation. At the time our house was valued at much more. Now our house is valued at £375k but once both mortgages are paid off it would leave us with about £15k each. We live in an expensive area in the SE, DH is tied to the area because of his job. I have more flexibility but wouldn’t want to move the girls out of their schools.

our outgoings are so high there is no money for him to rent anywhere, even a 1 bed flat here is £800 pm. I don’t qualify for much help either with a mortgage.

So it will be a very long road to saving up for two houses/mortgages?

I know finding somewhere to rent is very difficult but if you look up your local housing allowance you can see what your local authority is willing to pay. If you sold up you could use some of your 15k to secure a private rental and then claim universal credit to top up your income/help pay the rent. I believe the amount you receive would be reduced for savings over 6k.

https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/

I had to share a house with my ex and it was the absolute worse thing for my physical and mental health. Things were different as there were no kids and he was an abusive bully.

I suspect as time goes on things will get more difficult for you, your anger and/or resentment will grow and, as is already happening, this will leak into your parenting.

But I really, really think you need to put yourself first on this occasion and he should move out. In the long run it will help you heal and be a better and stronger parent.

It is so natural as a parent, to put your children’s happiness first. But your children will have to know eventually, this is a hurt you cannot avoid. But remember this is caused by your husband not you. It is his responsibility to mitigate the upset caused to his children by his previous actions.

I would also suggest if your husband stays in the marital home with you when the children know, they will just get more confused at his being around.

Due to the nature of my relationship, I was always making myself my lowest priority. I am now learning not to do this, but it is hard.

Do yourself and your children a favour, tell him to move out. If they miss him, it’s entirely up to him how much he sees them.

The thing is, the ideal situation would be living in separate wings of a huge house, so you could live separately but together for the DC. That's not going to happen. Things have to change.
There will be upheaval for the DC and for you. If you can't afford to live separately in the area you are in now, then one or both of you will have to move. DC may well have to move schools, and DH may have to change his job. The DC will have to get used to seeing less of one or both of you. That's what happens when parents separate.If you can co-parent amicably then that will help, but it is going to be hard for the DC whatever happens.
Doing it gradually may help, and might help you focus on what you actually want and build a plan going forwards.
So yes, H should start staying away more, and you can start living different lives, while you are in the same house. Presumably you are not still supporting him in terms of laundry etc. and not putting his preferences above yours. Maybe you can start agreeing that he will responsible for the DC on certain days, and you on the others, thus meaning you don't need to regularly have communal meals or spend much time together. On the days when he is responsible, take yourself out at least for a few hours.The DC will start getting used to be with each parent separately rather than together.
FWIW, I don't think he is a great dad if he could risk his children's stability and happiness like this. He clearly was not putting them first. He was not prepared to commit to the family and to you at several points along this sequence of events, and so I think you are doing the right thing by making the final decision , to put an end to the uncertainty ( which was doing no one any good).
It will take time to "uncouple" but it needs to be clear to everyone that is what you are doing.
Meanwhile, you can call me an old cynic, but I reckon that part of the reason H is offering to stay away is so that he can get cracking on the new relationship. You meanwhile may be left stoking the fire at home, taking on full responsibility for the kids, with less childcare available. So going forwards, think about whether you are prepared to ,or want to, go away sometimes yourself.
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@DelphiniumBluefuck, that is literally my entire brain in one post. Moving areas and jobs is not an option for DH, cant go into too much detail but his job is literally tied to where we currently live. Moving areas is an option for me and I’ve already said I will probably look to move about 20 miles way back to where my family are. Purely from a practical point of view.

And you are right, he’s not a ‘great dad’. The majority of his guilt over this situation has been around what this will do to our kids. I meant he’s not a useless dad, he can and does look after them, doesn’t need lists or endless instruction etc. but I agree, he hasn’t put them first in any of this.

I have also thought that by him not being here it also makes it easier for him to see/speak to her, but I don’t really give a fuck any more. He was doing that behind my back anyway, so he can do what he wants now.

I have still been sticking his washing on with ours, cooking enough for 4 people still, he has said he’s fine to sort it himself. I thought I was being a bit petty by separating this too, but I don’t think it is. We will need to sit down and work ‘days’ out. His job makes it harder because he’s on call at least 5 nights a week, which means I can’t really go anywhere, as he can’t leave the kids if he gets called out. But we’ll look at solutions.

What will his plan be when the ink is dry on the divorce papers? What will he do when he has contact time and he gets called in? Presumably you won’t be driving in to stay at his new home, just in case he gets called in? Whatever he will be doing to sort out his OWN childcare on his OWN contact days will be what he should start doing NOW.

And yes, he does need to start washing his own pants and making his own meals. He lost that privilege when he decided to fuck about.

Right now he’s still getting what he wants. You look after his children and his domestic needs while he continues a relationship with the OW.

You won’t be able to move on and create a meaningful life under these circumstances. I would rather have a lodger in the spare room and have him lodge somewhere else. He can then spend days with the kids on his days while you take up a hobby, see friends, date??

Im sure when the reality of the situation sinks in he will be begging to come back. Not that you will want him then but shafting his family for a woman he has no future with is ridiculous. He should have moved heaven and earth to rectify his life changing mistake but it’s almost as though he doesn’t view it as a mistake?

@CowTownno he’ll be giving up the ‘on call’ part of his job once we sell and move into separate places. But while we are still living here we need that extra income to cover essentials.

@OchreRaveni have no doubt he’s making a huge mistake. But that’s for him to work out on his own. I won’t be here when he realises.

Well I would be very interested to know what this job is, that has him working 5 nights a week, that he can’t possibly change or move away from. Is the only job of its kind that exists? Is there a reason way why he can’t make a career change if it benefits his children? The job can’t be tied to the house if you are free to sell it. But he can drop the inconvenient parts once you have separated, because at that stage he won’t need to earn so much money?? Does he realise that he will still be financially responsible for the DC, or is he expecting that you will cover everything?
This sounds to me like there are choices, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge them, because they would mean big changes that he doesn’t want to make. Unless you are married to the King or something, I can’t imagine what sort of job this could be.
The more you tell us, the more I think he needs to move out ASAP. You can get a lodger in to cover the extra babysitting you will need to have a life yourself.
Would it be possible to rent the house out , and then rent somewhere yourself so you can start moving on rather than waiting for the house to sell?

How's he going to manage 50:50 if he's on call 5 nights a week ?

He needs to be putting plans / changes in place now if 50:50 is to be a realistic option.

As things stand, he's still getting his meals cooked, his clothes washed and his kids cared for plus he gets to see the OW. Why should he want change ?- he has it all. The words cake and eat it springs to mind. Time to start making his future a reality.

I didn’t want to put too much info, but he’s a firefighter. He has 2 contracts, so his ‘standard’ one is 3 sometimes 4, 24 hour shifts a week. Days at the station, nights at home on call. This he will carry on with, but it means he can’t live more than 5 mins away.

He also has a retained contract, which he usually does another 2 nights a week. This he will drop eventually, possibly before we move into separate places but we haven’t had a chance to look into it in much detail yet. I only found out about all of this 2 weeks ago.

He could put in for a transfer, but it wouldn’t help really, most of them are on a different type of shift pattern and would mean a big pay cut.

Hes happy to make changes, but the situation we’re in at the moment is that due to our outgoings being so high (big mortgage and a lot of debt) we can’t afford for him to take a pay cut right now.

When we do eventually sell, the debt will all be paid off, but if we sell now we would be left with nothing pretty much to start over with. He’s well aware of how it will be once we are living separately and his financial obligations regarding the kids. But once the house is sold and our outgoings are much smaller, he will only be on call 3/4 nights a week. Which would allow him to have them 50:50.

We’ve talked tonight and sorted out what will and won’t be happening now which feels a lot clearer.