Separated but having to live together.

[tiredconfusedhungry]

Apologies if I miss any details, I’m trying not to waffle. 2 weeks ago I found out DH has been messaging a work colleague. Turns out they’ve been talking for just over a month, an emotional affair, they’ve kissed and had a secret date. DH showed me all the messages and I believe everything he’s told me.

We've been married over 10 years and have 2 DD’s. When we discussed all of the above it turns out DH has been unhappy for some time, should have told me months ago how he felt, didn’t, this then developed with colleague and now we find ourselves here.

Annoyingly, now we’ve been talking, he can see that we definitely could have worked on things and resolved things, but now given the cheating I am not prepared to. He has a busy stressful job, he is often away I have to put a lot of trust in him and there is no way I can do that now. Also, he wasn’t prepared to cut things off with colleague immediately (he wanted time to think) so that told me everything I needed to know really.

Onto my issue. We can’t sell the house right now (we wouldn’t get enough if anything out of it for each of us to buy) neither can we afford for one of us to rent.

So we are having to live here together until such time as that changes. Ours DD’s don’t know anything yet and we want to hold off telling them until we have to. And we have kept everything normal, DH is in the spare room but this isn’t unusual, he sometimes goes in there when his sciatica plays up. We are still talking, laughing, playing with the kids, eating together, days out as a family etc.

But I’m finding it hard. We are separated but nothing has really changed. I don’t even know how I feel. I’m not angry, I’m hurt, I’m sad and putting on a front is exhausting. My patience and tolerance for the kids wears thin quickly and I feel like I’m not being the best Mum to them right now.

DH has offered to stay at friends/work a few nights a week, but I feel this will only punish our kids who miss him so much when he goes away for work.

What do I do? What’s best for my kids or what’s best for me?

He seems very passive in all this. You suggested earlier in your post he wanted to reconcile and realised your relationship was salvageable but didn’t want to cut contact with the OW. But he’s not pursuing a relationship with her because it wouldn’t work. He’s accepted everything you have said without a fight.

It seems like any fight or motivation has left him. He’s just floating along not making any decisions. Is he depressed?

For only two weeks after finding out, you sound very sure of your decision to divorce. I understand why, what he has done is unacceptable and his lack of fight for the relationship would feel like the final nail in the coffin. But I’m just wondering if there is something else going on? Mental health is not an excuse for cheating but I would want to know the whole picture before any final decision (like telling the kids).

He checked out of the relationship and didn't bother to tell his wife! That's the point at which she stopped owing him any understanding or consideration. Regardless of whatever is going on with him mentally. Depression doesn't make a person cheat, that was a choice. He has hurt her emotionally and practically - he has completely tanked their children's security and family finances! Even if he turns out to be depressed, OP shouldn't feel like she has to see him through it or look after him or make decisions based on what's best for him, rather than herself. He still wants OW on the back burner, in case she turns out to be a better option for him - maybe he should go and live with her. If she wants to fuck around with a married man, she should have the whole sorry state of him! Let's see how long his budding romance lasts when she realises she might get him on a full time basis!

I think you are right to separate. I wouldn't rush to sell the house or give up an owned asset for the insecurity of renting. It's good you have a spare room and can organise separate spaces.
It would also be a good idea to get the finances properly divided up - I would advise you get legal input at this point, to ensure that whatever you agree is fair and doesn't leave you disadvantaged. There will be things like pensions to be divided.

Ahh I wrote a long reply and it got lost.

Yes I think he is depressed, probably having a breakdown and is burnt out by work. But again no excuse, I gave him plenty of opportunities to talk about it and make things easier, he just didn’t take them.

He has avoided counselling over the years, even though I think it would really help. He has started this now. He’s had one session and has said he wishes he did it years ago. He’s had several things happen in the past which he’s never dealt with (friends dying, problems with his siblings etc).

He says he’s been unhappy for months and didn’t see any other way forward but to separate. Then he obviously added the complication of the OW. I would have been open to a discussion right at the start about reconciliation, I’m not sure it would have worked though. I have to have complete trust in him. His job means he’s often disappearing at all hours, sometimes can’t call or text for hours. He has meetings here there and everywhere as part of his voluntary role, and a lot of them involve the OW, they work together. I can’t sit at home driving myself mad wondering if they are together. That’s going to take me a long time to get over.

Plus our initial conversations when I found out, he didn’t want to stop contact with her. I was being treated as one option, and that’s a shitty way to be treated.

No woman should try to fix a marriage where her husband won't make any effort to stop seeing/working with the ow.
You offered help and it was rejected - he needs to fix himself! Look after yourself and your children now.

So this happened to me years ago....my then husband was so depressed....I moved heaven and earth to get him help....he was drinking and talking about ending his life....but it was because he was full of guilt....Yes having a affair.....he was panicking...as he knew I would end our marriage. The other woman was my friend...and she had threatened to tell me everything....I found out of course....and yep he came home from work to find his clothes etc sitting in black bags outside x I have seen many post's on this site from people hurting when they find out ...that their partners are cheating...trust me... get Rid....once a cheat always a cheat....by the way xh also cheated on her...and everyone he then got involved with...even had other children...he told our two teenagers..at that time..I only want Mum....but she won't have me back...and cried 🙄 I've gone on to have a wonderful long time relationship....but he has his home...and I have mine...perfect 😘

Coming back to rant/vent.

He’s been away all week with work, honestly, it’s been lovely. Not having to see him, he’s phoned/video called the kids in the morning and evening. But apart from that I’ve had a proper break from him, no texting or calling unless it was essential or about the kids.

But he’s back tomorrow and already I can feel my mood going downhill. I’ve been so positive all week, I have been thinking of our (as in me and the kids) future. I think I’ve realised it’s not going to be the end of the world. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My counselling is going well, it’s really helping me to understand my feelings and not to feel guilty about the decisions I’ve made.

But now my issue is he’s coming back tomorrow. I really don’t want to see or talk to him, my feelings are so much clearer when he’s not around. As soon as we are back in close proximity I can’t help falling back into old habits/patterns. And the guilt I feel when I am honest with him it’s so daft. I’m still worried about hurting his feelings… when he gave zero fucks about mine 🙄

There is no way you should feel guilty about not wanting him around. He wanted out. He wasn’t happy. He wanted space. He wanted another woman. You literally want him to have what he told you he wanted. Maybe he’s changed his mind now the reality has set in but tough. You can’t go back from that.

I honestly think you should ask him to rent a room somewhere until the house is sold. He put you in this position, the discomfort of finding somewhere else to live should be his.

I know you’re right. Financially that isn’t an option, but he can stay at work when he’s working. He’s off for the whole of half term though so the next week will be tricky. But once he’s back at work he can stay there as much as possible.

I think reality hit him last weekend, before he went away. I don’t know what did it, but he was very emotional all weekend and he even said I think I will regret all of this in the future. I told him that it was too late for all of that, he’s made his bed.

You're one strong lady, at least with him being away you know you can cope on your own.
If possible, move closer to your family and get rl support.
As you said, he's made his bed, made shit decisions but none of it was your fault. He could have discussed how he was feeling, but no, he had an EA.
You're doing great.