Sexless relationship with young kids.

[Sexlessandconfused]

I'm desperate for some guidance/advice on this issue.

I'm a 32 year old woman with a 38 year old partner.
We've not had sex or any sexual contact since January which I initiated. Before that it was 6 months prior. Before that another 6 months etc. all at my initiation.

My Partner is a wonderful man and father. He's extremely hands on with our 2 toddlers (1 and 3) and does 50/50 housework. He goes above and beyond for us and loves being a dad. It's the centre of his heart. When I get up in the morning before work he's already got a coffee downstairs waiting for me and kids breakfast all ready with their clothes laid out before he shoots off for work. Just an example of how 'present' he is as a father.

Despite this I am very unfulfilled in this relationship and it all comes down to sex which feels shallow to say.

He's not bothered at all about sex. He talks about sex the same way a lot of my female friends do in regards to his libido. He has no interest. He agrees he's likely asexual and on the autistic spectrum.

It's not just the sex, but any physical touch. We sleep separate sides of the bed, don't hold hands, don't hug unless I initiate it. He says it just doesn't come naturally to him and it's not something he even thinks about but is happy to hug me back if I hug him or hold my hand if I grab him.

I am starving for physical affection. He knows this and will try really hard but then it peters off after a few days because it's not his natural way which I understand.

When we first met he was also like this but he was a very late bloomer and a virgin so I put it down to that.
I then got pregnant during lockdown and soon into the relationship and that kind of secured a long term relationship. I didn't want sex during pregnancy and he never initiated so it didn't bother me. After our baby was born I just focused on being a mum and then juggling work and new parenthood so didn't really focus on the underlying issue of nonphysical contact. I was so busy.
Then once I was settled I tried to really focus in on our physical side and put a lot of work in. He went along with it and put in effort his side but ultimately if I hadn't of pushed it, he'd have been happy to never have sex again I think.
During this period of us focusing on the physical side I got pregnant with baby 2. Again I was not bothered about sex during pregnancy and he didn't once initiate anything.

After baby 2 we were back in the trenches however I bounced back very quickly and was keen to have a physical relationship again. He tried whenever I initiated it but half the time had ED or would cum before we even did anything.

We have tried so far:

Testing testosterone - all fine.
Couples counselling - didn't get anywhere really
Sex therapy which he's still doing and been doing for 6 months now and to be honest there's 0 change.
Viagra - nothing apart from a headache.

I've asked him if he's gay and he insists he not and would happily say so if he was which I believe.
He just believes he has a very low sex drive.

When we do have sex it's not even decent of I'm honest. Its actually very bad. That's the honest truth. Due to the issues he has we can only have sex in 1 position of me on top which lasts 30 seconds. Foreplay is okay at best.

I have bought sexy lingerie and sent him pictures. He's responded with compliments but that's it. Never asked about it again and it remains back in the box.

Now other than the sex everything else is good. He's a fab dad and good partner.

I've said to him I want an open relationship or a separation several times. He's adamant he doesn't want either of those things and wants to fix it. But NOTHING has changed and I don't think it ever will. We've thrown everything at it as a team effort and nothing has changed.

It feels so ridiculous to throw away an otherwise great relationship and tiny children's stability all for sex.
But I'm only 32 years old and the thought of never having a fun sex life ever again is actually heartbreaking. If I was a lot older then I could live with it. But I'm still so young.

We also can't practically separate as we are so financially tied. Neither of us could afford to move out. We have hardly any equity in the house so wouldn't have deposits for 2 separate homes.
The rentals are ridiculously high and neither would be able to afford it on our salaries alone. Especially with nursery fees.
Plus neither of us would want to not see our kids everyday. Our oldest is disabled too so we both need to work as a team effort. We depend on eachother to get through the logistics of the day.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel a separation whilst cohabiting would be the only practical way forward. Separate bedrooms and live as companions/friends where I can get my physical needs met elsewhere. Its not ideal but would ensure needs are met and we get to keep the status quo. Nothing would actually change for anyone, if anything it would relieve us both. Him of the pressures of a physical relationship he has no interest in, and me of living a life without a physical relationship. All whilst keeping the family unit in tact. At least until the kids are older and more self sufficient and our financials change.

Any advice?

No advice I'm sorry but I am your partner in my relationship. I have zero sex drive and I don't even think about initiating physical contact with my partner because its just not my way. I have told my partner I'm willing to have an open relationship because I truly do understand that I am depriving them of a regular sex life. Your partner should at least be open to a discussion on the subject. It's only fair. I think if yous establish a set of rules regarding your other relations then it could work. Me and my DP have discussed, only having 1 external partner at a time. Not allowing it to last more than 6 months in the risk of falling in love. Being completely open and honest about any growing feelings for them or diminishing feelings for partner. Still be 100% partners with each other, no separation at all. Just to name a few. I think if yous work great together as life partners then separation isn't the way to go.

I could not be in this relationship. Sex and intimacy are very important to me. It's hard though when there's children involved but if its making you miserable it's something to think about. I can't see it getting better. You can't make him be sexual and intimate if he's not that type of person.

Thread titles that would not not work if OP was a man.

I agree with the previous post, I honestly think you've tried everything! The two comments that got me are that you got pregnant and that secured a long term relationship... would it have happened if not? Do you love him, or is he just a good candidate?

Plus the fact that you suggested to open up the relationship... is that because you just don't feel it for him, or simply out of despair?

I think it's really only three options... 'self gratification', tolerate (abstinence), or leave.

I'm curious if he actually watches porn. From what you've said, he doesn't, but it might illustrate a 'direction' for his desires that you're missing that he might not have told you about?

Open up the relationship maybe? Or split up.

Open relationship.

Oh God, I could have written this about my ex. We got together when he was 27 and a virgin. Things were OK in the beginning with new relationship energy and me cutting him some slack for inexperience but it just never, ever improved. He was never affectionate, never really emotionally supportive. I loved him so much in the beginning and I was so young that I didn't realize what a problem it would be going forward. We had 3 kids despite also a lot of ED issues. Don't know how I managed it! We separated about 12 years ago and he is still a good friend. For us, he moved out and in lieu of him continuing the mortgage, I didn't pursue CS. He could then just about afford to rent somewhere even though it has been tight for him financially for a long time. We have always maintained our family unit throughout it all.

'It feels so ridiculous to throw away an otherwise great relationship and tiny children's stability all for sex.'

You wouldn't be throwing it away for sex. It isn't just sex, it is intimacy the connection and the closeness. We are supposed to fancy our partners and vice versa and if we don't it sadly will be an unfulfilling relationship.

Does he masturbate?

I would guess something turns him on he is just ashamed or wants to keep it to himself.

Snoop on his history see if he is looking at cams or porn. If not then at 32 you are too young to be in this platonic relationship.

He'll still be a great dad if you leave him, life is too short to live like this imo.

He might not masturbate or watch porn. Low libido is what it is. Women suffer from it as well, and not all of them are looking at porn and/or masturbating either.🙄

He might not but it's something to ask him about.

He can't have his cake and eat it too ..he isn't honestly capable or willing to provide you with the intimacy you need so he's unfair stopping you from going elsewhere for intimacy. I'd find someone on the side or another outlet for those needs.

Most of what you have written resonates with me. As @dontcomeatme i am your husband in my relationship. I would not care if I never had sex again. I’m in my thirties but older than you and I also have two children. My husband is amazing. He does a lot of the hard work as a husband and father. He’s present and does everything for our happiness. Still I have no physical attraction anymore. My husband and I have everything in our relationship. Intellectual conversation, can make each other laugh, we enjoy each others company , essentially the 99% but the 1% has become a huge issue in our relationship.
No advise but just came to say there are probably a lot of these situations out there.
Hope you and your husband find a solution that works for both of you.

I think it’s fair to say it won’t get better. You are flogging a dead horse in that respect.

it’s tough from what you describe particularly with a child that has additional needs and from the financial perspective.

There are no easy answers. I am in my 50’s and single and I don’t desire sex now. It doesn’t interest me at all so I just stay single. At your age it’s a bit different and the resentment will build and build.

Could you just have sex with someone else without knowing them or developing feelings? That side of it wouldn’t be for me as I need to get to know a person well before attraction builds. (Years ago anyway !) everyone is different though.

This sounds really hard. I am in a similar (ish) situation with my dh in that I would like sex much more often. He also doesn’t communicate well when it comes to sex and lacks the fun element that I’ve enjoyed with other partners like sexy texts and things like that. Like your dh he suffers from WD issues and takes Viagra which means sex is always scheduled and never really spontaneous.

However we do manage to have sex at least once a month which is more than your dh. And despite the compromise on my part, I can see he does try.

I massively suspect your dh doesn’t want to have sex because he is deeply embarrassed about his ED and other performance issues. It’s a really touchy subject for men and he is clearly burying his head in the sand. That doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to deprive you of something you need and something that really is quite normal in a marriage. I can tell by the tone of your post that you feel utterly defeated and it’s horrible. But to be frank, unless he puts in some effort and you can come to a compromise that you’re both happy with this won’t get better. You won’t miraculously stop wanting sex and feeling shit. He won’t miraculously turn into some sex god overnight. You are incompatible. It could be improved maybe but only if he puts some work in and truly understands how awful this is for you.

Failing that I would stay until the dc are a bit older and then look at your options. It’s really sad to have to live like this when you desperately want a physical relationship.

Horrible situation physical contact is so important even if it’s just an affection, I stayed with a complete idiot of a partner for 30 years. Yes he was into sex but only for his own gratification and mostly with other people not me I didn’t know at the time I craved intimacy and sex while with him , Prior to meeting him. I’d always had a really healthy exciting sex life and loads of intimacy. I decided to put up with him for the sake of the children looking back now should’ve left him years ago ,
it’s a difficult one , I even suggested an open relationship, which got shut down completely.
different situation to yours but years of lack of
any kind of intimacy has a huge total on you as a human I wish I’d thought more about it and not just put my children first
You’re so young

Yep. And masturbating is completely different to having sex with another person too. No physical effort required, no worrying about them as well. If you’ve got a very low libido then occasionally you might feel like having a very quick wank but you wouldn’t want to actually have sex. It’s a bit like fancying a stretch and someone telling you to go run a marathon.

I'm in a similar position to you OP, but early 40's. Haven't had sex or hardly any intimacy since we conceived our youngest, who is nearly 3! We're on the verge of separating, as don't think I would find an open marriage fulfilling. I'm waiting until the kids are a bit older and our financial situation better though...hoping I'll be able to buy him out. It's miserable, but leaving now feels like it would leave all of us in an even worse situation.

I would be saying to him that you’d like to work on intimacy rather than trying to achieve full blown sex and work from there. So get him to set reminders for himself on his phone that you need a hug/kiss/handhold, etc. Try and get some time alone together to go out for dinner, go on dates and enjoy each others company as adults and not just parents. Build on emotional intimacy and physical touch first. Then, concentrate on foreplay. Show him what you like. Get toys if you have to. Ask him to get involved in that. Take the pressure off him completely to perform sexually. If his ED is psychological, maybe he needs to focus on other ways he can satisfy you. If he doesn’t want to do these things, which is his right and he shouldn’t do anything he doesn’t want to, then you need to work out how to separate if you can’t make it work. It’s sad but maybe you can be great friends and coparents for the children despite no longer being together.

Yep the old "i dont want you but i dont want anyone else to have you"

Op have you actually had proper chats about this? Has he told you why he’s so disinterested in sex? I honestly felt so rejected and unattractive when my dh seemed to go off sex. I blamed myself and thought there must be something wrong with me. It did take a long time and me getting quite upset before he opened up about his own issues. He never told me about taking viagra, I found a packet one day. Men are really embarrassed and emasculated by this sort of stuff.

If he’d be frank and open with you about his reasons then it might be a start in fixing things and coming to a compromise.

A lot of autistic men just aren’t interested in sex.

OP he's never been good in the sack or been physical with you and he's not going to change. Stop sending him to therapy and accept him for who he is.

He sounds asexual and simply doesn't crave touch. I completely understand your frustration but not why you kept having kids with him.

You're going to have to accept a relationship devoid of intimacy but with a great dad and partner or parent separately.

Or he's always been true to himself, hasn't hid his low.libido, and doesn't see it as a reason he should have to accept non-monogamy when the OP knew who he was.

Would you say a woman who refuses an open relationship for a husband who wants more sex is being similarly selfish and entitled?

How is it non monogamy when you are only sleeping with one person?

Men can get away with burying their heads in the sand and refusing to talk to their partners about these issues because they know their female partner will find it harder to speak up about her own desires because there is still a taboo re, women and their sexual needs. Women are still viewed as not liking sex as much as men. You only have to see the social media comments when a woman goes on a show like This Morning to talk about sex.

Because most people are in relationships which assume romantic AND sexual monogamy.