I'm desperate for some guidance/advice on this issue.
I'm a 32 year old woman with a 38 year old partner.
We've not had sex or any sexual contact since January which I initiated. Before that it was 6 months prior. Before that another 6 months etc. all at my initiation.
My Partner is a wonderful man and father. He's extremely hands on with our 2 toddlers (1 and 3) and does 50/50 housework. He goes above and beyond for us and loves being a dad. It's the centre of his heart. When I get up in the morning before work he's already got a coffee downstairs waiting for me and kids breakfast all ready with their clothes laid out before he shoots off for work. Just an example of how 'present' he is as a father.
Despite this I am very unfulfilled in this relationship and it all comes down to sex which feels shallow to say.
He's not bothered at all about sex. He talks about sex the same way a lot of my female friends do in regards to his libido. He has no interest. He agrees he's likely asexual and on the autistic spectrum.
It's not just the sex, but any physical touch. We sleep separate sides of the bed, don't hold hands, don't hug unless I initiate it. He says it just doesn't come naturally to him and it's not something he even thinks about but is happy to hug me back if I hug him or hold my hand if I grab him.
I am starving for physical affection. He knows this and will try really hard but then it peters off after a few days because it's not his natural way which I understand.
When we first met he was also like this but he was a very late bloomer and a virgin so I put it down to that.
I then got pregnant during lockdown and soon into the relationship and that kind of secured a long term relationship. I didn't want sex during pregnancy and he never initiated so it didn't bother me. After our baby was born I just focused on being a mum and then juggling work and new parenthood so didn't really focus on the underlying issue of nonphysical contact. I was so busy.
Then once I was settled I tried to really focus in on our physical side and put a lot of work in. He went along with it and put in effort his side but ultimately if I hadn't of pushed it, he'd have been happy to never have sex again I think.
During this period of us focusing on the physical side I got pregnant with baby 2. Again I was not bothered about sex during pregnancy and he didn't once initiate anything.
After baby 2 we were back in the trenches however I bounced back very quickly and was keen to have a physical relationship again. He tried whenever I initiated it but half the time had ED or would cum before we even did anything.
We have tried so far:
Testing testosterone - all fine.
Couples counselling - didn't get anywhere really
Sex therapy which he's still doing and been doing for 6 months now and to be honest there's 0 change.
Viagra - nothing apart from a headache.
I've asked him if he's gay and he insists he not and would happily say so if he was which I believe.
He just believes he has a very low sex drive.
When we do have sex it's not even decent of I'm honest. Its actually very bad. That's the honest truth. Due to the issues he has we can only have sex in 1 position of me on top which lasts 30 seconds. Foreplay is okay at best.
I have bought sexy lingerie and sent him pictures. He's responded with compliments but that's it. Never asked about it again and it remains back in the box.
Now other than the sex everything else is good. He's a fab dad and good partner.
I've said to him I want an open relationship or a separation several times. He's adamant he doesn't want either of those things and wants to fix it. But NOTHING has changed and I don't think it ever will. We've thrown everything at it as a team effort and nothing has changed.
It feels so ridiculous to throw away an otherwise great relationship and tiny children's stability all for sex.
But I'm only 32 years old and the thought of never having a fun sex life ever again is actually heartbreaking. If I was a lot older then I could live with it. But I'm still so young.
We also can't practically separate as we are so financially tied. Neither of us could afford to move out. We have hardly any equity in the house so wouldn't have deposits for 2 separate homes.
The rentals are ridiculously high and neither would be able to afford it on our salaries alone. Especially with nursery fees.
Plus neither of us would want to not see our kids everyday. Our oldest is disabled too so we both need to work as a team effort. We depend on eachother to get through the logistics of the day.
I'm at a loss as to what to do. I feel a separation whilst cohabiting would be the only practical way forward. Separate bedrooms and live as companions/friends where I can get my physical needs met elsewhere. Its not ideal but would ensure needs are met and we get to keep the status quo. Nothing would actually change for anyone, if anything it would relieve us both. Him of the pressures of a physical relationship he has no interest in, and me of living a life without a physical relationship. All whilst keeping the family unit in tact. At least until the kids are older and more self sufficient and our financials change.
Any advice?