My retired husband is driving me bonkers

[sevilleorangemarmalade]

He retired a couple of years ago (he's now 65). I'm coming up to 60 and will be retiring (probably) next year.

We've lived in a very community-orientated small town/ large village for many years and when he retired he threw himself into local life and events. He was part of the VE Day planning committee for celebrations this past weekend, but he's also a school governor, he's on the gardening club committee (there are two community gardens here and more planned) and is also on the management committee of a charity in our local city. It probably adds up to a three-day week's work.

When he was working he was pretty good at separating work and home, but now his work is all voluntary and involves local people I know, he brings it back with him. Every evening, when I get home he wants to offload the latest drama onto me. The rows, the fall-outs, the fury at being expected to do the impossible, the in-fighting and back-stabbing: he's like a one-man soap opera plot. He's constantly on his phone messaging at all hours of the day and night. His committee mates are all up beyond midnight What's Apping each other. The gossip and manoeuvring are epic — and I don't care about any of it and hate it all. He seems to expect me to get as caught-up in it as he is, and I can't be bothered. I've never found this level of drama interesting or attractive. So many of the people he's 'working' with seem to be unhinged and he seems to enjoy it.

We've had several sit-down sessions where we've agreed boundaries: no phones at the dinner table, 10-minutes for him to tell me about the latest drama when I get home and then no more. I've started sleeping in a separate bedroom because he won't turn off his alerts and some of these committee folk ping each other through the night. He sticks to the rules for a few days, then I'll come home and get an hour of it, or he'll go out to one of the committee meetings and come home and want to discuss the situation and see what I think for hours afterwards. I'm sick of it all, beyond caring.

Anyone been in a similar position? How did you sort it out?

No direct experience but it sounds like you’ve inadvertently found yourself living in an episode of the Victor of Dibley.

It’s good he’s occupied but if he doesn’t think he’s overdoing it at the point you’ve moved out the bedroom I’m not sure how you’ll get through to him? Putting his phone on silent after 10pm might be a start!

I would carry on working for as long as I could personally! I couldn't be doing with that all day.

Give him the 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership to read

It sounds like an episode of Midsummer Murders but without the murder….yet!

“I've started sleeping in a separate bedroom because he won't turn off his alerts”

Sorry, and he didn’t think this was enough of a message from you? He’d rather engage in the drama with his new-found friends than keep his own wife happy? I’d be having strong words with him about your expectations around family life and what you are hoping for from retirement. I think it’s time to be taking him on a couple of holidays to get him away from this all-consuming toxic village environment - it all sounds horribly unhealthy. The only other thing you can do is to join a few of these committees yourself!

“READ THE STANDING ORDERS!” 🤣

(I'm sorry I couldn’t resist.)

This sounds like a nightmare - my heart goes out to you. I’d be trying my utmost to get him to take a step back and develop some calming hobbies instead. If that doesn’t work then an outright blanket ban on discussion. Hopefully he’ll burn himself out by Christmas. Good luck!

He has more than once asked me to read the Standing Orders/ check the minutes (of a meeting I didn't attend) and read the constitution of one of the groups — as if I'm his PA or something! And when I say this is his stuff and I don't want to be involved he gets really quite hurt and wants to know why I'm not interested. It's as if he thinks because he's involved, I am too.

Cor.
I quite like standing orders and constitutions.

It's probably because he doesn't do anything else. When I was out of work, all I ever talked about was horses because I spent every day helping out at the riding school. Didn't have money to do anything else so would trade a few hours work for lessons.

But it meant, I didn't see or talk to anyone else and ended up really invested in the soap drama between the liveries and the best way to extract willy beans!

He needs a few hobbies so he isn't around the same people all day every day and has different things to talk about.

Similar but not as bad, my DH ran the PTA while I worked full time and would offload everything on me. I drew very firm boundaries - e.g. I would bake for their events but do nothing else. However, it was a really positive group.

DH also joined a community garden project and the politics were epic. I reflected back all his feelings and eventually he realised it was making him miserable and he walked away. I didn't get involved in the substance, only how it was making him feel.

He needs another hobby but I can imagine any other hobby that involves other people will turn out the same way.

Perhaps hiking, gardening, fishing, something on his own to get him out in nature and calm down?

He sounds like and obsessive type of person, has he always been like this or is it heightened now because he has more time on his hands?

You have to keep maintaining boundaries, sounds exhausting if it doesn't last very long. Perhaps he needs more consequences?

Is he doing his share of cooking, housework etc? Actually cooking night be a good hobby for him to get into, at least you get nice meals out of it!

Apart from how boring it is - it sounds mean and unpleasant as a way to run local groups?

I have recently become slightly unhinged myself while running a voluntary group and can see how it happens! I am also working less because I have to do caring responsibilities and realise I could fall into a strange obsessive trip.

Have you talked to him about the principles of local community work ie that you really dislike the back stabbing/ unpleasant attidude? Has he always been like this?

How about a new shared hobby, away from the villagers. He might have more time now VE Day is over. A night class to learn something new to you both together? Choir? Definitely impose phones on silent after 10pm.

I rememebr a thread where a retired ‘important’ husband also threw himself into charity work then expected his busy working wife to be his PA. It was quite epic, poor woman was at the end of her tether and I can’t recall how it ended.

but I also got deep into running the PTA and it does get a bit all consuming.

no advice except maybe having a piece A4 card with ‘BORING’ written on it for when he starts up.

I can't tell you how pleased I am to hear of another community garden project that has politics that would rival the Borgias for backstabbing and shenanigans. It's gardening in the community: it's not supposed to bring out the Machiavelli in everyone, but it does.

I presume all the laid back, cheery, amiable folk of the town have nothing to do with any of these events.

That women got murdered in north london over allotment politics

Sounds like he has retired too early and has more energy than he knows what to do with. Also perhaps that he’s struggling with the change of status/self-image that comes with retirement- whatsapping at midnight etc reassures him that he is still very busy and important, despite the fact that anyone objective could see that it’s really not that urgent. (i remember seeing the same trait among my SAHM friends- the amount of fuss and drama around running a bake sale 😭) And of course he’s dealing with people who are in exactly the Same boat as him so they’re all confirming to each other that this is the way to proceed.

I think you need to be really firm. The fact you’ve moved out of the bedroom and he still hasn’t stopped makes me think this is quite deep seated.

Put headphones on.
And have a 10pm rule about group chats.

Volunteering can be politics central - a toxic combination of passion with bored frustrated retirees. (Speaking as a passionate bored frustrated retiree).

But your DH does take the biscuit - it's like something from a 70s sitcom.

Has he always been so self-centred?

The greater good!

All sounds a bit Hot Fuzz and this is exactly the reason I never want to live in a village, grew up in a tiny town so not quite a village but F me everyone knew everyone.

You should shag the local Vicar and see how long it takes to hit one of the whats app groups.

In all honesty he needs to switch off alerts.

I do voluntary work but it’s in a town, one doesn’t have. A group and the other has maybe 20 Msg a week with stuff like the rota on so it is necessary.

Out of interest are you confined to talking about your work for 10 mins a day ? What do you talk about if you are each only allowed 10 mins of your time?

Tbh this is why I'm frightened of retiring despite getting very drained with FT work these days. When ds was small I volunteered a fair bit and managed to steer clear of most of the fallouts, but they were less because most people had young or youngish kids so limited time for drama. Every time I think about retiring I imagine this kind of scenario and decide thar getting paid to be stressed is better.

I agree with the pp who suggests it's about identity and wanting to feel needed still. When I imagine volunteering I think of a low-hours unpaid version of my own job, but tbh anyone ill be volunteering to see won't need me much so I doubt it will work. But it sounds like he's trying to recreate some kind of corporate role? Is that what he did before?

I'd suggest he gets a pt paid job tbh.

Don’t let him join the parish council

OMG he's Martin from Ever Decreasing Circles! God help you. 🤣😂🤣😂

He can keep himself busy with your divorce paperwork if he keeps this up!