My retired husband is driving me bonkers

[sevilleorangemarmalade]

He retired a couple of years ago (he's now 65). I'm coming up to 60 and will be retiring (probably) next year.

We've lived in a very community-orientated small town/ large village for many years and when he retired he threw himself into local life and events. He was part of the VE Day planning committee for celebrations this past weekend, but he's also a school governor, he's on the gardening club committee (there are two community gardens here and more planned) and is also on the management committee of a charity in our local city. It probably adds up to a three-day week's work.

When he was working he was pretty good at separating work and home, but now his work is all voluntary and involves local people I know, he brings it back with him. Every evening, when I get home he wants to offload the latest drama onto me. The rows, the fall-outs, the fury at being expected to do the impossible, the in-fighting and back-stabbing: he's like a one-man soap opera plot. He's constantly on his phone messaging at all hours of the day and night. His committee mates are all up beyond midnight What's Apping each other. The gossip and manoeuvring are epic — and I don't care about any of it and hate it all. He seems to expect me to get as caught-up in it as he is, and I can't be bothered. I've never found this level of drama interesting or attractive. So many of the people he's 'working' with seem to be unhinged and he seems to enjoy it.

We've had several sit-down sessions where we've agreed boundaries: no phones at the dinner table, 10-minutes for him to tell me about the latest drama when I get home and then no more. I've started sleeping in a separate bedroom because he won't turn off his alerts and some of these committee folk ping each other through the night. He sticks to the rules for a few days, then I'll come home and get an hour of it, or he'll go out to one of the committee meetings and come home and want to discuss the situation and see what I think for hours afterwards. I'm sick of it all, beyond caring.

Anyone been in a similar position? How did you sort it out?

Were the Martins running the show before your DH volunteered?

I was predicting this over the VE Day event. It looked at times as if there were going to be two separate events — a kind of VE Day war.

@sevilleorangemarmalade

Fake joining the WI, spend the meeting times browsing the shops or sitting in the park reading and people watching.

Then come home and bore him to tears with tales of fake in-fighting and minute dissection of recipes and which is the better one for XYZ. Then regale him with tales of buttercream and ask him his opinion on which flavours best compliment various cakes. Then argue with him about it. Then start in on knitting patterns and the various types of wool and which suits which pattern best. Ask his opinions, then argue about that, too.

He'll soon learn to keep himself to himself.

PS I know the WI is much more than baking & knitting and supports many worthy causes. TBH, if there was one where I am, I'd join it.

I'm sorry but your op is hilarious

😂

Don't know if they were running the show, but they are very fixed in their ways. DH is probably more like Paul, the next door neighbour, who offers suggestions but is put in his place by people 20 years older than him who've always done it this way.

Over the weekend he got into trouble for suggesting he organise a mail merge and send out 200 emails quickly and easily. The woman who's been doing it for years sends individual emails to everyone on a list, copying and pasting their address in individually. She does it this way because several years ago someone sent a mass email and didn't BCC it. It takes her several days. She wouldn't even allow DH to show her how to do it and was most affronted that he thought he knew something she didn't.

'his committee mates are all up beyond midnight Whatsapping each other'

😆

Have you tried reflecting your previous agreements back to him -aftwr he has overrun the agreed 10 minutes or has his phone at the table or whatever, say "You agreed you wouldn't do this" then just look at him silently.

If he tries to make an exception, say "it won't work if you make exceptions. Noones life is in danger and you agreed I don't have to hear about it."

At the moment he is absolutely high on, and addicted to the drama. And as pps say, the impression of his importance this is giving him.

Hopefully one day someone will go too far with him and hell stomp off in a huff anf get sick of the whole wretched business (ask me how I know! 😂)

But it sounds like at the moment you are being too tolerant of his rants. Yes I expect you would be interested if he was a lot more judicious in what he shared. But this sounds intolerable, and what is.really intolerable is that he us allowing his impulse to offload completely to override his knowledge that you hate it.

And that makes him either a pig or a sad addict. Is there any way you can get him to see it that way?

Oh this sounds so familiar!

Me? On committees? Been there, done that, got ignored, resigned.😂

With a 9-5 everyone's there because they have to be, and that's the time you have to work out what you're doing and do it. Plus, there are clear hierarchies and essentially you need to do what your boss says!

With volunteer roles you're often working around people with day jobs hence the late-night messaging and adhoc discussions... and everyone trying to lead or do their own thing... I know how all- consuming it can be so you have my sympathy!

Don’t retire next year! Anyway 60 is young to retire - I am planning on working well past my 60’s when I get there!

Sympathies. My DH is involved with some local clubs and loves to moan about the members constantly and similarly gets annoyed if I am not always sympathetic even if I have heard the same moans many times over. I am also retired but luckily my hobbies don’t involve lots of committee meetings. I listen for about 10 minutes then tell him he has a choice to give up. It is not his job as they are voluntary organisations and quite frankly it is irritating to hear the same moans time after time. He doesn’t have phone alerts through the night though. I think some men when they retire think their wives are their secretaries. I soon disabused my husband if that when he asked me to do minutes and I told him in no uncertain terms that would not be happening. I did enough of those at work.

I'm laughing here. Sorry but I have something like this going on. DH has seasonal groups hobbies we go from the spring summer one to the autumn winter one. Then there's the all year round one. My DH doesn't do the committee stuff but does get sucked into the bitching politics. I tend to say mmm and uh-huh a lot. It's all batshit..

All I'll say @sevilleorangemarmalade is be glad that when you retire you won't be in eachother pockets all day. You'll be encouraging him to enjoy himself.

Yep. Op needs to find herself a ‘Paul’ to have fun with while Martin shouts at his spreadsheets.

Oh goodness .. I can relate. I am not retired but I am in a book club where I must be the youngest person by 15 years and the only working person.. my god the amount of e mails I get from the conveyor .. several a week… she’s absolutely lovely but is clear her retired life is completely different !

Sounds like the Archers to me.Unfortunately ,I'm not retired yet but I'd imagine there's a process of adaptation which he has to go through.

Gosh that sounds awful! Have you asked him how he stands it? Do you criticise it? What happens if you give a dismissive "oh for goodness sake you all sound as bad as one another" or "I actually don't care". Suggest he gets paid work. Can you go away on holiday to escape and talk to him about it?