It's time to let go and move on, but I don't quite know how to

[LettingGoOfThePast]

Ok, name change check. This is probably going to be long, so thank you for bearing with me - I just need to get this off my chest as I can't sleep. Right, where to start?

So, I haven't had the best life. Childhood SA. Low self-esteem. Abusive relationships. Bullying from people that should have had my back. Multiple debilitating phobias as a result. Late diagnosis of ADHD which finally made sense of everything that went before.

And so here I am now. I'm in my early 50s and in what I consider to be a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. We've been together for 7 years and are very happy together. We live apart and this has worked for us, giving us time together and time apart to do our own thing. We've talked about living together a few times but for various reasons it has never been the right time. But now, we have a window to do it. His mortgage has just been paid off and he wants to move. My mortgage fixed term is up for renewal. If we don't do it now, he will move anyway and I will be tied in to another mortgage for another term. So it makes sense to do it now, and it does feel like the right time.

But. When I split up with my ex I bought him out of where I live now. He put up a good fight to stop me buying him out. If I had lost I would have ended up renting a room in a house share and the loss of security scared the shit out of me. My home is my nest and my security.

But I don't know how to live with someone in a healthy way, my ex was so controlling - I couldn't even have a bath without him sitting on the toilet watching me! I don't know how to live a healthy joint life with my now partner! Both of our ex's have moved on and remarried but I feel stuck in the past, hanging on to my home and my independence like a life raft. And I am worried that my ADHD traits will start to annoy him. They annoy me!

I love him and I love his company but I also love my own space. He's an early bird and I'm a night owl. I posted on here when we got together about whether that could work and almost everyone said no! But I do think one of the reason this works is because we don't live together.

So, what to do now? There's no option to rent out our places and try renting together to see how it goes. We either both sell and move in together or he sells and moves and I stay where I am. Which will push him financially. But ultimately, I am scared that if I move in with him and sell my flat and things go wrong I am going to be back to where I was when I split up with my ex. It feels safer to not move on and just stay where I am. But that doesn't give our relationship a chance to move forward.

Sorry, I'm so tired but I hope this post makes sense. I'm going to try and get some sleep now and come back in the morning. I'd be grateful to hear your views.

Why can’t you rent? It might be a pain but isn’t that the lowest risk?

How does he feel about it? If your both happy to keep your own separate places then there's no problem with that, you don't HAVE to live together. It seems very triggering for you and may just not be the right time for you even though circumstantially it seems like the right time. You can change mortgages etc at any time so although it's a faff, its not now or never

I agree with pp. You don't have to live together. It sounds like you're getting in a real tizzy about it. Have you told your partner how you feel?
If you really want to live together could your partner live with you after he sells up , as a trial run? Then see what you want to do?

Why would you even consider it???

His finances are not your problem to solve.

God no. If it’s financially advantageous to him, she’d never get rid of him.

OP, it’s ok to be happy with status quo. Not all relationships need to involve living together.

It’s not your job to make his life easier.

Just stay how you are. I dont understand why you want that upheaval when what you have now works well

If you really wanted to see if you could live together, could you re-fix your mortgage for a limited term , he could rent out his place and move in with you to see how it goes ?
You would both have the security of knowing if it doesn’t work , you each have your own homes?

We either both sell and move in together or he sells and moves and I stay where I am. Which will push him financially.

So he can't actually afford to live on his own then? Be careful here.

Do not give up your security because if this relationship ends then you've lost your home.

Let out your home via a rental agency and rent a flat with your boyfriend. This way you have a home if this relationship breaks down.

I would say, don't live with anyone unless it's what you really, really want to do.

Tbh he could move and buy somewhere separately, and you could still spend more time together? He could move closer to you so that it's easy just to spend most of the week at one or the other of your houses?

No. You risk losing your security of your place. Don't do it. Plus the early bird night owl might grate.

I don't really get his side of things.

1. He's paid off his mortgage - sounds promising, like it should give him flexibility and means.

1. He wants to move - why? Is there somewhere specific he wants to move to? A different type of property he'd prefer? Does he just hate where he lives now?

1. Moving will be a financial stretch for him, unless he moves in with you. Why?

Personally, I think "living apart together" sounds perfect, and it also means you each have your own asset. And you keep your hard-won independence. You could still effectively live together much of the time.

He could buy a place he can afford alone, you remortgage yours and rent it out and move into his, it’s solely his, you just contribute to bills.

Or vice versa he moves into your place, contributes to bills and buys a ‘buy to let’.

So you each retain your property.

No. Don't do it. Keep your status quo.

What is the split of assets and do you work?

The way you’re doing it right now sounds great and just right for you. Living apart, together.

Hi,

The first thing, as other say, you don’t need to move in together. If the relationship is working as it is, then that is fine.

The second thing, you have had an experience (a controlling marriage) which means, I think, you have valid concerns about how you would navigate living with someone so that your boundaries and space were not compromised. I think you need to work this out - if it can be done and more importantly, whether you want to do it - before you commit to buying together.

I had a controlling marriage and as someone who now recognises many ADHD traits in myself and wonders about the need for a diagnosis, I wonder if I was attracted at the start to the sense of order (which I could not keep up with). I think this because I recently had a short relationship (for want of a better word) with someone who was not controlling but extremely routine-oriented. This was different in so far as we were both clear that it was not something which would progress to living together or anything but when reflecting on it, one thing I realised was how different we were in terms of organisation on every level. I do think this matters in day to day life because it is also part of my personality in some ways, I just like to be able to go off and do things when I want (edited to add, in fact I just liked much more to be out and about doing things I think because I can’t sit still 😆). This latter experience really made me reflect on this so I am not sure you should dismiss your concerns here (I mean when you say your ADHD traits might grate; I would see it more as what you need to be comfortable not only that you might annoy your partner).

From my perspective, you are not stuck in the past, holding onto your house like a life raft. Firstly, it took me twelve years to say yes to a date which led to the short relationship above. So these things take time to process. But secondly, your house is your security. It is your space. It is where you can be entirely yourself with no fear of judgement or control by someone else. I think if you have any doubts about giving that up, and it sounds like you do have doubts, then don’t do it. You certainly should not do it because moving will stretch your partner financially. There are surely other ways of resolving that issue in a way which works for both of you.

I’d give it a trial run and move into his place for a couple of weeks. See how that feels. Then have a honest conversation together on whether you both feel it could work long term x

I think you need to keep hold of your home but try and find a solution such as him buying a flat and renting it out and living with you and contributing to bills etc.

Dont buy a home with someone you have never lived with and have serious doubts you would be compatible with. Especially when you enjoy your own space. You will feel trapped and it will impact your relationship.

Is he pushing to move in together because of his finances? Absolutely don't move because of convenience or his financial needs

I would try and live together in a commitment free situation for about 2 years. You each rent out your respective properties for that duration whilst you see if you like living together. It may cost each of you a bit more than you'd like but that will be nothing compared to you buying a property jointly and then finding after the fact that either one of you hates it. I completely understand you viewing your property as a life raft: that is exactly what it is, now and in the future. Do not put it at risk until you are absolutely sure you and this man are a dead cert and even then make sure your investment is protected in case things go tits up (ie divorce, death etc) Please use a solicitor to guide you. Your needs will change over the years and you cannot afford to risk the capital you have in your current property.

Why do you need to move in together for your relationship to move forwards?

My Mum and her second husband never lived together, even once they married. They both had their own houses, and every week they'd spend a few nights at hers, a few nights at his, and a few nights apart.

They each had their own spaces, decorated the way they wanted, with the security of knowing they weren't going to lose that if they split. Yeah, it was a bit more expensive day to day than living together but not huge amounts.

They were blissfully happy for the 10 years they were married, and the only time the arrangement changed was in the last few months of my Mums life when he needed to be at hers more out of neccessity.

You don’t seem to want to move in with him, so don’t. It doesn’t seem worth the risk as you only seem to want to do it so that the relationship can “move on” rather than because you WANT to live with him.

No reason why you can’t have a great relationship and live apart.

Why would it push him financially? You are both financially independent and if he wants to make choices that push his finances to the limit that it up to him! Not your responsibility whatsoever, so definitely don’t let that be a factor, you’re not there to give him extra funding.

Is he moving a long way away? You make it sound like if he moves and you don’t that it means you’ll be over?

@LettingGoOfThePast yes OP be very careful indeed. I was in a similar dilemma not so long ago. Both in our early 50s and DP wanted to go PT, is both sell up and move to a more desirable part of the country. I just didn’t understand why he didn’t just go PT now and he also refused to consider renting. My property that I’ve worked hard for is a large detached already in a desirable area and his (no offence to anyone) but is in more of a deprived are and very small.

My gut seemed to be I was sort of a stepping stone to help him achieve his ideal life and given I have no family/friend network it was just too much of a risk and along with some other brewing red flags, I knocked it on the head.

I think if he really loves you he will understand your concerns and compromise by selling up, you renewing your mortgage and him living with you contributing to non mortgage bills and testing whether you’re actually compatible as 24/7 housemates. If not, just let him go as you’ll only be always scared in the background if you do as he wants.

Thank you all for your responses. I have read them and am processing your comments, they have been very helpful. And apologies for not coming back sooner, it was a busy day!
So - to clarify - he is not pushing me into moving in together, and it's not to help him out financially. He is MUCH better off financially than I am. He wants to move out of his (larger) flat into a house but can't find anything within his budget so I suggested that I sell up and we move in together. It was my suggestion, then I got cold feet, hence the post. My idea. My thought process was that maybe I'm clinging on to my flat and security and that at some point I should look forwards instead of backwards. I can't actually contribute that much tbf as I still have a mortgage to pay off if I sell, but it would make a difference and then we could both live in a house mortgage free. And I do love him and see our future together and maybe now is a good time to make that leap. But then I panicked about where I've been in the past and posted a brain dump. Hence my question about letting go and moving on. That was my point really even if it didn't come across well! I feel like I am stuck at the point where I had to fight my ex for the roof over my head. Can I (or should I) let go of what he put me through and trust that things will work out?