It's time to let go and move on, but I don't quite know how to

[LettingGoOfThePast]

Ok, name change check. This is probably going to be long, so thank you for bearing with me - I just need to get this off my chest as I can't sleep. Right, where to start?

So, I haven't had the best life. Childhood SA. Low self-esteem. Abusive relationships. Bullying from people that should have had my back. Multiple debilitating phobias as a result. Late diagnosis of ADHD which finally made sense of everything that went before.

And so here I am now. I'm in my early 50s and in what I consider to be a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. We've been together for 7 years and are very happy together. We live apart and this has worked for us, giving us time together and time apart to do our own thing. We've talked about living together a few times but for various reasons it has never been the right time. But now, we have a window to do it. His mortgage has just been paid off and he wants to move. My mortgage fixed term is up for renewal. If we don't do it now, he will move anyway and I will be tied in to another mortgage for another term. So it makes sense to do it now, and it does feel like the right time.

But. When I split up with my ex I bought him out of where I live now. He put up a good fight to stop me buying him out. If I had lost I would have ended up renting a room in a house share and the loss of security scared the shit out of me. My home is my nest and my security.

But I don't know how to live with someone in a healthy way, my ex was so controlling - I couldn't even have a bath without him sitting on the toilet watching me! I don't know how to live a healthy joint life with my now partner! Both of our ex's have moved on and remarried but I feel stuck in the past, hanging on to my home and my independence like a life raft. And I am worried that my ADHD traits will start to annoy him. They annoy me!

I love him and I love his company but I also love my own space. He's an early bird and I'm a night owl. I posted on here when we got together about whether that could work and almost everyone said no! But I do think one of the reason this works is because we don't live together.

So, what to do now? There's no option to rent out our places and try renting together to see how it goes. We either both sell and move in together or he sells and moves and I stay where I am. Which will push him financially. But ultimately, I am scared that if I move in with him and sell my flat and things go wrong I am going to be back to where I was when I split up with my ex. It feels safer to not move on and just stay where I am. But that doesn't give our relationship a chance to move forward.

Sorry, I'm so tired but I hope this post makes sense. I'm going to try and get some sleep now and come back in the morning. I'd be grateful to hear your views.

I hope my update makes more sense of the situation. I am not very good at explaining myself!

Don’t risk your security. You really don’t need to live together and he doesn’t need to live in a house he can’t afford by himself.

Okay, having read your update and bearing in mind everything I already said:

I think it depends what you want from your life. If you would like to share a life with someone that involves living together and you can envisage being in this house with your partner in ten, twenty years time, then yes, I would say sit down and discuss how you will make it work whilst ringfencing the assets you bring to the partnership. Invest the time and money in taking legal advice and discussing with your partner what your concerns are and how you are both going to address them. I think this could involve disaggregating what are fears brought from the past and what are concerns about how you will both manage living together. And then re-visit the question of whether you want to do it.

I hold on to the hope that there are many people who are not controlling and abusive and it is possible to find a good partnership, whilst recognising this involves an element of risk and basically trust of the other person to recognise your boundaries and needs, as you do theirs. Some people don’t want for whatever reason to have relationships which involve living together and that is also fine.

If you are not sure, and you need longer to work out your doubts, then take that time, because as I understand it; there is little practical difference whether you make the decision now, in six months, a year or two years. And it is also okay to say that you have changed your mind about the suggestion.

I also think if this is a decent person, he will understand the need to be sure about what is a significant move, and this time to ensure you are both happy you are doing the right thing will also benefit him.

If he is so well off why is a property ‘out of his budget’?

i don’t think your misgivings are just to do with your costly experience with your ex, it’s good sense to prioritise your personal financial and housing security. Going ‘all in’ with him without an arrangement before that with much lower cost/risk wouldn’t be sensible.

@Talulahalula - thank you. Both of your posts have been very rational and I appreciate your thoughts.

@Dozer - I didn't say he was well off but he is a lot better off than me! It's all relative.

Anyway, we haven't discussed it this weekend - Saturday was too busy and today we went on a relaxing day trip which was much needed! I feel reassured that it's ok to want to keep my space though, and thanks to everyone who posted. Even if I did explain the situation badly to start off with!