My partner (42M) and myself (44F) have been together almost two years. We never really had a dating period. We are from different cultures and he told me that in France there is no dating, that a relationship is assumed to be exclusive after a few dates and a kiss (please confirm if anyone can knows first hand), so we didn't get to know each other well first. We had been exchanging messages for a few months and I liked him, so I was okay with being exclusive. At first he really rushed things. Everything from sex to asking me to meet his daughter. He was wanting me to meet all of his friends and told me that he was really excited about me. I said I wanted to know him longer first before meeting his daughter (she is 18). I have never dated anyone with kids and have none myself, and I did not want to date anyone that had drama with their ex etc. I made this clear before we met and he told me they were amicable and there was none. We had also discussed topics like marriage etc which he was not sure on but did say he wanted a life partner and that it was an option if his partner really wanted it.
Two months in, we were at my families Christmas and his child went to the hospital because she had taken a few pills and the school was worried about her mental health/suicide safety. We live long distance and I offered to pay for the uber to get there since it was a 2 hour trip and I wasn't comfortable attending. He showed his dissatisfaction and my people pleasing self drove him all the way and sat in the hospital parking lot while him and the mother fought in the hospital and we found out she was fine but was upset her boyfriend broke up with her. I was not happy with myself for missing my family Christmas and at this point I didn't feel like I knew what I was getting into. That was when I found out there was a lot of drama and that they did not get along at all. Apparently these types of things were a common occurrence. It was a lot for me and I wasn't sure I wanted to commit to a relationship that had these issues. I panicked and broke up with him after this. I then regretted it and apologized profusely and he said he would see a counsellor to deal with some of the issues that were going on since it was really affecting him. There are some drug/alcohol issues as well with the teen. He never did see a counsellor and similar issues kept arising and he kept asking me to support. When I did give advice he would say I don't have children so I don't understand, but then be unhappy if I didn't want to participate.
Since we are long distance he only sees me a few days a month. He didn't want me going to his place since his child was uncomfortable with him having a girlfriend and similar issues like this (it would take too many words to explain all of the issues), but he was only coming to see me every 4-6 weeks. He missed my birthday as well (which I moved to accommodate the days off with his kid twice) since they were having more issues at home. I felt like he wasn't listening or doing the things he said he promised and I broke up with him and have been ambivalent about the relationship as a result. I told him I wanted to get to know his daughter better at this point so that I would know if we got along etc. since he told me she made his last relationship difficult.
He did finally agree after these arguments to let me know her a bit more and come to his home to see him. He said he forgave the fights we had before and wanted to continue in the relationship. I felt better once I got to know her a little and felt I could finally commit to the relationship. I was hot and cold and wanted to take it slower. In the beginning he asked me about moving in together and was talking about things way into the future. I told him that I didn't want to rush things and to me living together should be taken as seriously as being married as we both have assets, homes etc. He said that he felt I shot him down and I explained it was just too soon (two months into a relationship).
After getting to know his 18 year old a bit better and things seemed to settle down there, things were smooth for about 6 months and I was feeling more comfortable with things. I have to resign my mortgage soon. I was thinking of selling and I thought, well since we are long distance I would make the move for the better of the relationship to be closer to where he is. Since he had asked many times (even a few weeks ago), I thought he would be excited about this. I have other reasons for wanting to move as well, not just him. When I told him, his response was "well that is a lot of pressure for me..."
I was very upset and said this is what you have been pushing for since we met. He said that he was really in love with me in the beginning and I broke it when I had cold feet and broke up with him those times. He said he put up walls to protect himself and is not sure if he is in love. He also told me he wasn't too serious about the stuff he said about moving in etc, and that is a lie. If it was a joke then he was lying before. This was something that came up many times for him. Basically he is acting like everything that happened in the beginning didn't happen, right down to him pressuring me to meet his daughter.
I asked why he continued in a relationship for 6 more months if he was not in love. He said that he feels happy when he is with me, he is happy in the relationship, he is very attracted to me, he feels more comfortable having sex with me than anyone before, he misses me when I am gone, cares very much about me and I am his best friend. I am confused because to me that is love. He said it is different for everyone and in France they do not say that easily. If anyone knows that, please chime in. Well he has said it to me many times... he also said he is worried if we break up it will be a mistake and he thinks the relationship has potential.
He also told me that he wants a long term relationship (common law etc) but has worries about marriage because of his parents relationship. In Canada where we are, common law is essentially the same. He still wants to continue a relationship with me and even move in together but says he needs to take his time to let his walls down again and see if it is love. He does not want to just date, be friends with benefits, or see other people. He was mad at me for even suggesting it. I don't know how I feel about this, since I think we should know how we feel about each other by now. I also think feelings ebb and flow, but you should probably have a good idea of how you feel in general. I told him we need to go and think about this. I really don't like how he pushed in the beginning and now is acting like it never happened and he is the one that wants to take it slow. I feel like this is a deception, it feels disingenuous to me but I also feel like he is justified in feeling unsure about the relationship as I was unsure in the beginning. When we are together we have an amazing time, he is very caring and good to me except for this. He always wants to know what I am up to, how I am, what I am doing. He seems genuinely interested in me and takes good care of me when we are together. It seems like we only fight when we are apart and I am upset and overthinking the long distance, but him saying he doesn't know if it is love is really a shock to me.