A moment of reckoning

[LaPoulette]

I need some help with a moral dilemma.

If you had written a letter to explain why you have become reserved and guarded (to protect your emotionak well being), but then when examining your thoughts what you discovered was a lot deeper and it had the potential of causing irreparable destruction in relationships due to the nature of what is revealed, and it concerned intergenerational trauma and grief, would you still send the letter?

I have reached tipping point. But I know that the letter will cause deep grief to one person, because they will never see their wife in the same way again.

I have become scared of the letter itself. As if the letter had life of its own. It feels that some truths, now that are named, can't be buried anymore.

Would you keep absorbing this pain - maybe try to speak with a therapist - or send the letter, which will give a sense of release, and freedom and justice in the sense that it states a different narrative?

Sorry it is so vague. Thank you for any insights.
X

You are dealing with a lot here.

You are the person that matters here. Is the sending of the letter going to make things worse for you?
I think you need to see a good therapist… not just the first one you visit.

I don't think it can make things worse for me. There is already implicit distance. This will just make it explicit emotional exile from the family.

It is my husband's family. I do not want to hurt FIL. But I am not sure I can kee it all in, and keep the illusion of peace.

I also do think I need to see a therapist, irrespective of what I do with this letter as I am losing weight, because I can't est due to the stress.

What are you hoping for in sending your letter. Before you realised it's potential to cause collateral damage, did you just want to justify /explain yourself? Or are you looking for acknowledgement/apology? Are you wanting to shame a person or tell them off?

You don't need to explain or justify actions/behaviour you're taking to protect yourself. It tends to open the door to the other party wanting to discuss/explain/minimise/lie/justify whatever the problem(s) is. Often abusive people turn everything around and put the blame on you. Who will FIL believe? Are you going to be further hurt by people's reactions to your letter? The best way forward is simply to distance yourself without explanation.

You don't need to absorb pain from this person. Do you still see her? If you do, then stop. Does your DH know about the problem? Does he support you?

Certainly get some outside help to talk about the history of the situation. But my advice would be not to send the letter. Not because it will hurt FIL, but because it's going to end up hurting you

Do not send the letter.

I would not send the letter, and would find a good therapist to talk this over with, mainly because you said this;

''I know that the letter will cause deep grief to one person, because they will never see their wife in the same way again.''

It sounds like you want to confront someone with the truth about a loved one, but it so rarely goes the way you expect - you assume people will be so horrified they will support you.
But that just doesn't happen. They will make up all sorts of excuses to not cause an upset. They have lived with that person for years and its really unlikely they don't already know there are problems with that person, they just tiptoe around them. Confronting is a really good way to end up being the family scapegoat.

Find a therapist who understands the Karpman Drama Triangle, because if you feel you need to confront someone, you are probably cast in the role of Victim. You are asking the family to Rescue you from the Persecutor.
But thats not how the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer game is played and IMO thats why confronting fails. You think you will obtain justice and resolution for harm caused; and they just treat it as another round of the game. Which is doubly confusing and hurtful, and can add insult to injury.

Needing resolution from someone puts you in a vulnerable position. Its much better to put in some boundaries for yourself, and consequences for people who don't respect them. That's another thing you can discuss with a therapist.

@AnneKipankitoo @MoveYourSelfDearie

In the beginning, I wanted to explain why I had distanced myself, which is to protect myself from heartache.

I think I want to send the letter so that they have to be confronted by a different narrative. MIL views my husband as irredeemable. He had a nearly fatal accident as a teenager, from which he recovered. Not even this has brought lasting peace or acceptance. He is framed as difficult, which I can believe he was, but with time, he has really tried to mend the relationship. But she remains static. I want to forgive her, but she doeant to be forgiven or think that she needs forgiveness.

I think it's the sense of injustice, that has triggered this. Before, I was quite happy to just write a list of semi trivial slights that accumulated through time have hurt me. But then, I saw why I had distanced myself. And it is that I cannot witness the horror of someone being cast as the absolute villain, anymore.

I have kept it all in for a decade. And I cannot do it anymore

Crossed posted with @Thelnebriati
I think that what you say is the most likely scenario.
This person, the husband, is really really clever. The letter has factual incidents that can be verified. I think outwardly, he would never accept it. I do think inwardly, he will know. And this seems heartbreaking, that someone - who is kind, even if in some ways, have been an enabler through aspeasement (but so have I been to an extent) - will be the one being hurt.
I do not seek hurting. Or destruction. I would like reconciliation, but I know it is not possible. I think I seek justice. Or I need it. Maybe to absolve myself from not having acted before. Which I had not realised until now.

@Thelnebriati By virtue of my husband, I am already the family scapegoat. So no further damage there, I guess, as sad as it is.

@Thelnebriati is 100% right. Sending the letter is very unlikely to cause irreperable harm to your FIL. Rather, it will further cast you as the bad guy. You say that incidents can be verified, but the reality is that a) it's unlikely anyone will be interested in doign that and b) assuming your MIL is a toxic and abusive person based on what you've said, a key factor to keep in mind is this personality type's ability to twist reality.

So, if you are finding this really hard, seek therapy for yourself. Talk through the contents of the letter with a trained psychologist, ideally one who has some experience in dealing with abusive/toxic/manipulative/narcissistic situations.

Becauase right now, what you want are consequences for your MIL and an acknowledgement that YOU are right. That will NOT happen. What you need to work towards is acceptance that you can do nothing about this situation and that you can distance yourself and accept that they will never understand while protecting your own emotional and mental health.

''In the beginning, I wanted to explain why I had distanced myself,''

You seem to have a lot of self awareness, and if you can bear to examine your own reactions you can learn a lot about the situation and how to manage it more to your own advantage.
If you find yourself in the position of needing to explain yourself then look up DARVO (where the abuser denies any wrongdoing) and JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain (which is how they make the scapegoat feel they should react.)

You do not need to justify yourself or explain your actions because you have not done anything wrong.

@MattCauthon
So the consensus seems to be to seek therapy.
Does everyone really believe that these types of people - who sort of rationalize their abuse and reconfigure it as "honesty" or "doing what's right" - do really not have a conscience and even if they are confronted with hard truths they won't feel any guilt or remorse or need to self-reflect? (Whilst not showing outwardly, of course)

I fully expect the letter to cause outward fury. But I think I would hope some internal questioning at being "shown a mirror" for lack of a better word.

If they do have that reaction they are so used to protecting their false self image they will redirect any negative emotions on to the person that triggered them.

They tend to split everything and everyone into 'good' and 'bad'. They cannot accept any mixture of negative traits in themselves, and they cannot be seen to be associated with anything less than perfect; its why they have a scapegoat and a golden child. The children aren't really all good and all bad, they are a normal mix of traits. Its projection.

Does everyone really believe that these types of people - who sort of rationalize their abuse and reconfigure it as "honesty" or "doing what's right" - do really not have a conscience and even if they are confronted with hard truths they won't feel any guilt or remorse or need to self-reflect? (Whilst not showing outwardly, of course)

Yes, that's absolutely what I believe. In fact, it's what I know. They will either be able to twist themselves in knots to justify things OR they will simply have a different narrative. I can give you 100 examples but really, just spend some time on here and read the stories from person after person about their abusive partner/ex/parent/sibling.

That's what makes dealing with them so difficult. They literally don't think like normal people and the sooner you realise that, the better off you will be.

Okay, I'll give you a couple of examples

Women on here last week - her ex insists on staying in her house, and that she sleeps on a camper bed while he sleeps in her bed... so that he can "see" the children.

exBIL has told SIL and their DC that is 100% her fault that they are not a family anymore because there is no reason why he couldn't stay in her home and continue to live with them, even after they broke up.

Another woman on MN had a thread running for months because her ex (they'd been divorced for 10 years at this point) was sending her solicitor's letters in which he was threatening her with all kinds of legal action unless she a) returned her engagement ring and b) reimbursed him for the cost of "storing" their shared DC's toys and c) paid her "share" of the petrol from a trip they'd taken while they were still married.

Endless mothers and mothers in law on here who say incredibly cruel, mean, vicious things to their children and their partners but, who on being challenged, claim the person is "over sensitive" or "it was just a joke".

ExBIL is still angry because we do not invite him to family events. He has been divorced from SIL for more than 3 years and, in fact, he only bothers to see his OWN children once every few months. But if he so much as gets wind of a family BBQ, a birthday celebration... all hell breaks loose.

None of these are rational responses. And challenging any of these people is pointless.

@Thelnebriati @MattCauthon

This is truly heartbreaking. They do have more children: my husband once phrased it like this: "If the three brothers were plants, I would be killed like a weed, my middle brother would be left alone in the corner of the garden, and a greenhouse would be built for my younger brother".

The other two brothers are nice people. With the good traits, and their flaws.

I just find it so difficult to understand that people can be like this. I can understand that they project themselves like this, but I can't imagine, that maybe, before falling asleep, they might be tossing and turning, because the guilt does not let them sleep.

I am so sorry if anyone else here also has experienced this. It is a very lonely place.

@MattCauthon

So sad. I am not religious. But I do think that we do have some sort of soul or spirit. And I can't imagine my spirit being able to rest if someone told me I had hurt them like that.
All the stories you recount are also sad.
Maybe you are right. And I am being delusional.

At least I nonlonger feel guilty if I do send it, as it seems that no suffering will be caused, other than to me.

If it's any consolation, the golden child is as damaged by the behaviour as the scapegoat.

I still wouldn't send the letter. It will just cause chaos. Rather just seek your own help and, if it seems like th ebest option - you and DH should go no contact.

Funnily enough, my in-laws are deeply religious. Invoking Jesus and the bible. What tragic irony.

I recommend you create a short ritual to burn the letter.
Include candles, incense, music, singing, prayers, poems, meditation, whatever you want to do that feels right for you.

As you burn it, imagine yourself letting go of all your "needs": for justice, reconciliation, truth, revenge, honesty, explanation, everything you 'need' in this situation.
Just let it all go, as the paper goes up in smoke, the smoke and heat rising take away all your needs and feelings.

(Print it out if it is currently just digital).

Then practice keeping the whole situation out of your mind - don't let yourself dwell on thoughts.

Don’t send the letter.

in a similar situation I did.

the person concerned did not examine themselves and accept the facts.

they retreated further into their narrative that they were a good person and misunderstood.

never underestimate the capacity of humans for self deception.

@Octavia64 I am so sorry this happened to you. Can I ask you a question? (Obviosly, if you feel you can) Do you think you have managed to find peace? I have been struggling for a decade.
I moved countries to be far away from them and still from the distance, they manage to continue. I have ketp the ties for my children- as they are (on the whole) lovely to them, despite some recent indicents.

When writing, I realised that my MIL middle name is Clytemnestra. You could not make it up!

Don’t send the letter. It will just feed the drama and give them another stick to beat you both with.

My husband seems convinced that the letter would affect his dad. Do people thibk this is because he longs for validation or for a sense of being seen?

(Given that the public consensus seems to be that sending it will only cause drama)

No one can guess what another person will think.