A moment of reckoning

[LaPoulette]

I need some help with a moral dilemma.

If you had written a letter to explain why you have become reserved and guarded (to protect your emotionak well being), but then when examining your thoughts what you discovered was a lot deeper and it had the potential of causing irreparable destruction in relationships due to the nature of what is revealed, and it concerned intergenerational trauma and grief, would you still send the letter?

I have reached tipping point. But I know that the letter will cause deep grief to one person, because they will never see their wife in the same way again.

I have become scared of the letter itself. As if the letter had life of its own. It feels that some truths, now that are named, can't be buried anymore.

Would you keep absorbing this pain - maybe try to speak with a therapist - or send the letter, which will give a sense of release, and freedom and justice in the sense that it states a different narrative?

Sorry it is so vague. Thank you for any insights.
X

@AnneKipankitoo very true. I think my family just longs for peace and certainty. Thank you for replying.

Yes I have found peace.

it was my FIL.

we (dh and I) went Lc afterwards.

I am now divorced and never see him anymore.
apparently he has admitted to (now ex) dh that he has anxiety issues.

From my experience:

Get a good therrapist

The “innocent party” is probably not as innocent as all that - although those around often try to keep one parent redeemed.

case A: the “innocent” one left on a few occasions but always returned
case B: (I have more sympathy as times were different) somehow he managed to hire a neighbour to look after the kids after she tried to drown one

A really innocent parent leaves and does everything possible to protect the children.

a letter might do you good, but is unlikely to do any good for your DH.

@MollyButton I am so sorry. I have only suffered emotional abuse from MIL. A friend of mine called it "the way she terrorised you when you had just had a baby". My friend's description of the situation, made think long and hard.

She was physically violent towards my DH when he was little, and as a teenager, he would have anger outbursts, so has ever since been cast as the hurtful party. He has had a lot of therapy. He is ok now - at least on a day to day basis.

Stricking, biting and hitting are horrible and unjustifiable. Somehow, trying to drown a child feels like a deeper wave of pain. I am so sorry.

As you say, it feels difficult to understand how the other parent can tolerate this. But then FIL was away working, constantly.
I think I am sad. Really sad for the little boy who was not loved. And feel angry, because I can't change it.

@Octavia64 I am happy to hear you are well now.
It gives me hope.

@LaPoulette I completely understand that you cannot fathom other (abusive) people not thinking rationally, like you or I do.

Someone on here once gave a great analogy and I hope I don't butcher it, but here goes:

If a venomous snake bit you... would you chase it around to ask it 'why'? (or would you go and seek medical help?)

If the snake could answer you, it would say, why not? I'm a snake.

That is how abusive people think. They are who they are and they do not think any different.

The problem we have is chasing that abusive person (snake) and asking why? You will not get a sensible answer.

The only sensible thing you can do is running in the opposite direction and getting help (therapist).

Can you just severely limit your contact with them / go no contact

I think I would do this and see a therapist than send the letter but obviously I don’t know the full circumstances, alternatively hold off on sending the letter and talk it through with a therapist first

The two cases were not me but people I was close to/observed closely.
there are a lot of toxic families around - just look for the “Stately Homes” thread here.
Or Tolstoys quote about unhappy families.

I would suggest cutting contact with your children:
a) it is not good for them to observe their father being treated like this
b) the IL could use them as “flying monkeys” in the future.

You need to create distance and find healthy ways to put it behind you. Writing letters is just feeding into the drama. In fact, the only people I know who have written these types of letters are consciously or unconsciously trying to cause drama. It shit stirs and nothing more. Either confront the person face to face/ over the phone if absolutely necessary or write down your feelings and then burn the letter/ go see a counsellor.
Do you really want this person to have everything you’ve said (in the height of emotion) written down as hard evidence to use as ammunition against you?
Why can’t your dh fight his own battles?

@OhLucinda I had not thought about it in terms of drama, but this is a very good point. I had thought about it in terms of ending the erasure of how my family feels .
Phoning would be pointless. Not a chance I could get a word in!

If you believe your FIL is not actually to blame, and your Dh believes that sending the letter will upset him... why would you do it?

And I agree with @OhLucinda it's just feeding the drama.

What does your DH think of you sending them something so personal (and critical of MIL) to them?

It sounds like writing the letter has been illuminating for you. Treat it as a piece of expressive writing that helped you process things. I wouldn't send it to the in-laws though as it will likely inflame rather than resolve anything.

I would send a very much abbreviated letter (if at all). Something along the lines of I want to live and raise my family in a peaceful environment, surrounded by examples of healthy relationships. I feel that close contact with the extended family is at odds with that aim and so have purposely distanced myself/ ourselves. I hope we can maintain a cordial relationship for the benefit of the grandchildren (for as long as this is in their best interests).

It sounds like maybe you want to hurt them because they have hurt you. It’s understandable but bear in mind, people that thrive on negative emotions will not be hurt by this. They will probably be secretly delighted to get such a letter. They will either see it as proof that you are a vindictive person and they are the victim or they will simply see it as an opportunity to argue.
ime, once things are in writing, there’s no going back on it. It will get dragged out at every opportunity.

I understand why you would want to send a letter but you cannot get in between members of anothers family, this is your husbands fight not yours.

If you and your DH want to back away from his family, that's fine, but I've seen no end of heartache that could have been avoided if the two people who needed to talk, talked rather than a thrid person getting in and having their say.

Therapy for you both sounds like a great idea, it's a bugger dealing with family crap.

@MattCauthon
I think, because I sm tired of her controlling the narrative.
I think that is why.

You won’t change them. Your letter won’t make them self reflect. They have made their choices about how they want to parent and how they want to deal with the fall out from it. The letter will achieve absolutely nothing apart from help them form a narrative about how they are victims of outrageous lies about them.

Drop the rope. Accept that this is who they are and the world is full of injustice.

And enablers like your FIL totally know what’s going on and they get something for themselves out of the dysfunctional dynamic

You need to drop the rope.
Stop engaging with it, also this is your husband's childhood trauma not yours, you sound like you are unnecessarily involving yourself. It's his family and he has said not to send it for his father's sake, surely you respect that even if you don't agree with the reasoning?

Honestly, the more you post, the more I feel strongly that you need to seek some therapy. You are trying to take control. You want to teach her a lesson. YOu want her to be punished. All are completely understandable. None will work. So you need to work on a different goal - which is to let her bat shit behaviour not affect you, assert your own boundaries, and feel confident in your own decisions and actions.

@MattCauthon
Thank you, to you and everyone. I think that you are all correct. Thank you for giving me some clarity.

Don’t send the letter. It will be a waste of time in that it won’t make a difference. It will probably cause you harm for sending it.
What is your relationship like with your DH? That’s the most important thing here.
And you both clearly need some help dealing with these issues. A good therapist will certainly be such a positive step. Honestly, when you learn to step away from this stuff, and concentrate on the here and now and what’s happening in your own life, you dial down the past.
If the MIL is an abusive narcissist this letter will be challenge fuel for her, it will feed her. Her husband already knows who and what she is. You could publish your letter on the side of the Houses of Parliament and it will bring neither closure nor justice.
What will help is distance from these awful people. Stop being a hostage to their past actions. And while your husband had been treated terribly as a child, it is his job to get help with that now.
If this is making you ill, posting that letter will add to that. You will make yourself sick waiting for a response.
Write another one, one you know you will never post. Go to town throw in ALL of the swear words. And file it away.
By holding you emotional hostage like this, Beryl is licking her chops knowing she still has power and Norman buries his head in the sand, but sticks with her.
The best revenge is a life well lived.