I hate my husband because he hates our son

[40weeksmummy]

Married 12 years, have 2 kids (7 and 3).
We had lots of issues in our marriage- he couldn't set up boundaries with his highly abusive, narcissistic mother, he gambled, he had an affair, etc.
He has trauma from his childhood which he doesn't admit. His mother married his "dad" when she was already couple of months pregnant from someone, he still doesn't know who is his father. He was "that" child- his mother hated him, she even dressed up him as a girl.
I spent lots of time, money and efforts to keep our marriage. It was super hard .
Everything looked better when our first son was born. We shared childcare ,etc. He was really helpful and I thought our life is getting better. Until...our second son was born.
My husband changed with day 1. I still have photos from hospital when he look to our eldest with disgusted and angry face. I'm pretty sure it's his childhood trauma. Spoke million times, even offered to pay counseling from my own savings. He HATES our eldest, but doesn't admit it. He is always angry at him, disappointed, saying "you're stupid",etc. My son has ADHD, it makes my husband very upset as he always thought his son is "healthy".
It's my sons birthday tomorrow, doing small party after school. My husband didn't take day off and took long shift tomorrow. Nothing new, he doesn't want to be involved in anything- school, appointments,etc.
I was doing some preparation for the party, my son came and said-"mummy, I don't want daddy at my party ".
It was a minute I realised I don't want see that men near me and I will ask for divorce. My sons deserved better. Me too.
Just need a handhold, no family in UK, but I'm ready, I can't live like this anymore. I can't expect my husband to take some actions (counseling) to save our marriage and relationship anymore.

You have made the right decision. Congratulations.
what’s the next step? What can you do to get ready?

You are 100% doing the right thing. You would be failing your son to stay with your husband. No child deserves to grow up in a household where one of their parents actively dislikes them. It's so damaging and the trauma will be passed down to your poor son. This marriage isn't worth saving. Your priority needs to be your children. Hold on to this anger and hate that you feel for your husband and use it to maintain your resolve and strength and leave him. However hard it is to go it alone, it's nowhere near as hard as what your son is having to live with. You can do this! Stay strong, leave and show your son the power of your love.

My god. Your poor son. You've done the right thing. 💪 Protect your son from this awful man.

I can't expect my husband to take some actions (counseling) to save our marriage and relationship anymore.

Even if he did, why would you want him to? You are by far making the best decision. Get your dear kids away from him.

Good god, you and the kids have put up with so much. You are doing the right thing, you all need to move on

First, I need to increase my hours to get some financial stability. Second, my mum got some inheritance, still lots of paperwork to do, but I hope we'll have a flat in the next few months so can move back with kids.
Thank you everyone!

Well done for choosing correctly.
Your son deserves to live in a house where is loved and not put down.
Please don’t make excuses for your husband’s treatment of your son.
Counselling only helps if the persons wants to change and he is clearly ok with putting his child through the same misery he went through.

Move on with your children and don’t look back

Yes, you and your sons deserve better. To stay would perpetuate the harm and will ruin your little boys whole lives

Definitely the right decision. Once you're away from him I'd suggest prioritising counselling for both boys ASAP as there is a lot of damage from their father to be mitigated.

Be very, very careful. Do not assume he will not go for 50/50 custody. Controlling men often do - even if they have previously seemed disinterested in the kids. If he goes for it there’s a strong chance he’ll get it, then you can’t protect your son for 50% of his life. Your son’s too young for his wishes to be taken into consideration in court.

take it from someone who is living this hell right now, you need legal advice and a water tight plan - or you risk ending up in a much worse situation.

That's so sad. Kids are hard work but they need to know they have their parents' love and support more than anything. I think you do need to leave your DH and give your DS the best birthday to let him know he is loved and appreciated.

Your poor son. He deserves a really good father and I hope later you meet someone who can do that for him. You're absolutely making the right decision.

You are a brilliant mum.

And, ADHD can be a good thing if you have people around you who get it, and who help you channel your specific interests.

My ex was the same . He was constantly critical of our son and thought I spoilt him. Our son was waiting for an assessment for ADHD for years due Covid . Eventually my ex attacked him after drinking and on the advice of the police I had to move him out at age 17. A friend took him in whilst I could find us some accommodation but it felt like he was being punished . We got somewhere to live and rebuilt our life but I feel so guilty I didn’t get my son out before. Please get your sons out of the situation.

So sorry you had to hear that OP. Your poor son. Clearly that was the moment the penny dropped and you realised this cannot go on with that pathetic excuse for a father of his. You are doing the right thing love.

You're doing the right thing OP. And thinking it through in a sensible way too. Your son is lucky to have you.

Well done to you.

As someone who grew up in a similar enviroment, I can tell you the lifelong damage is awful. You're doing the right thing.

Are you planning to move back near to your family?

How very sad for all of you, but especially your son.
Time to go. Or hopefully he will go as it would be less disruption for the boys.
There's lots and lots of advice on here on how to get the ball rolling . Good luck 🤞

Well done on making this choice @40weeksmummy

Good decision, wishing you all the best.

Good you’ve got an escape plan. Do some reading on your own boundaries and self esteem to try and work out how you tolerated this for so long. You need to be strong now.

I’m so glad you’ve chosen to protect your son OP. I know it’s not always easy but ultimately it’s the right thing to do, your husband has no redeeming qualities. A lot of us with childhood trauma struggle with becoming parents but we try to fox it not take it out on our children.

I wish you and your children the best, go for it, your son doesn’t deserve to be made to feel this way x