I hate my husband because he hates our son

[40weeksmummy]

Married 12 years, have 2 kids (7 and 3).
We had lots of issues in our marriage- he couldn't set up boundaries with his highly abusive, narcissistic mother, he gambled, he had an affair, etc.
He has trauma from his childhood which he doesn't admit. His mother married his "dad" when she was already couple of months pregnant from someone, he still doesn't know who is his father. He was "that" child- his mother hated him, she even dressed up him as a girl.
I spent lots of time, money and efforts to keep our marriage. It was super hard .
Everything looked better when our first son was born. We shared childcare ,etc. He was really helpful and I thought our life is getting better. Until...our second son was born.
My husband changed with day 1. I still have photos from hospital when he look to our eldest with disgusted and angry face. I'm pretty sure it's his childhood trauma. Spoke million times, even offered to pay counseling from my own savings. He HATES our eldest, but doesn't admit it. He is always angry at him, disappointed, saying "you're stupid",etc. My son has ADHD, it makes my husband very upset as he always thought his son is "healthy".
It's my sons birthday tomorrow, doing small party after school. My husband didn't take day off and took long shift tomorrow. Nothing new, he doesn't want to be involved in anything- school, appointments,etc.
I was doing some preparation for the party, my son came and said-"mummy, I don't want daddy at my party ".
It was a minute I realised I don't want see that men near me and I will ask for divorce. My sons deserved better. Me too.
Just need a handhold, no family in UK, but I'm ready, I can't live like this anymore. I can't expect my husband to take some actions (counseling) to save our marriage and relationship anymore.

I was reading your first post and was screaming “why aren’t you leaving this bastard” and then you said you were leaving and I was sooo happy and proud for you!
It takes courage to say enough is enough and now the planning begins. You can do it!
Sending love from across the Atlantic ❤️

This is what I was thinking. If the problem at the moment is that he is not present. What if the problem is that he looks after your son alone? It's such a tough balance

The only good thing is if he hates him so much he won't want contact with him when you leave. Keep a diary of everything he says, it will be ammunition for the family courts.

Thank you everyone!
We are originally from Eastern Europe, don't have British Passports and we're planning to move back anyway . There is no way he'll go through court procedures here. And divorce in Eastern Europe is very different, they always support mother. I wouldn't be surprised if he won't get any custody at all, never mind 50/50 .
Yes, my mum's inheritance will help us a lot, she is the person who offered me to buy us (me+kids) a flat. And I have family there, that would be a massive help, as I'm alone in UK.
My son became very close with his teacher (he's male) ,poor boy simply looking for fathers figure in his life. And teacher was really surprised that we have a dad living with us, he thought I'm a single mother. My husband NEVER visited school, parents evening, etc.
And yes, I took day off, will wake up my son with his favourite breakfast, do the party and will give all attention for him ❤️
My son was very excited about his birthday yesterday, he was talking about gifts he would like to receive (nothing fancy, slime, farm set, etc) and my husband said "stop talking nonsense, you won't get it all". HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK WHAT DID I BUY FOR OUR SON!
And I saved money and bought every single thing he wanted...

His father's a pig. I hope you can give your son a really special day and good luck to moving back home.

Wow OP how awful for your son, your husband sounds so mean. You are doing the right thing by leaving. ADHD can be hereditary and with your husband’s gambling and affair (can look like impulsive behavior) he could have it too. Which makes it even worse that he is treating your son so badly. In any case, well done for protecting your son. Even with your husband’s traumatic childhood, it would still have been his responsibility to get therapy and treatment so that he does not mistreat others. Not every person with ADHD and a traumatic childhood mistreats others.

@40weeksmummy you sound like a wonderful caring mum.

Thank goodness your boys have you.

Best of luck with the future, you have it well planned, your sons will remember that you put them first.

Yes, I'm pretty sure my husband has ADHD . Unfortunately, he'll never admit it. I strongly believe he understands that and he is very upset that his son has it too.
I did everything I can, I even had counseling for myself, to help me understand his behaviour. I feel like I shouldn't do anything else for him and concentrate on my kids and their wellbeing.
I think I reached the point where I'm feeling strong and confident enough...

@40weeksmummy - perfectly said: time to concentrate on your kids’ well-being. Sounds like your DH had an appalling childhood but instead of using the family that you have created as a healing opportunity, he’s inflicting what he suffered. It’s great that you’re getting away. Well done to you!

Sounds like one kid is the golden child and one is the scapegoat kid in your husbands eyes

Thr time for counselling was probably on the 5 years before you had dc. It does sound as though history is repeating itself, so definitely need to move away. But he is still his father and always will be, it's possible that their relationship could improve

Your escape plan sounds solid.

Get your poor son out of this nightmare and get yourself some support!

My dad always drops someone when he has someone new - when my older brother was born he apparently had no time for my mum, when I was born he started being aggressive towards my brother and so on. I see it with his pets too - he gets a new puppy and completely ignores the existing dog etc… He has had a lot of pets! My older brother used to hit me as a kid/teen and has pretty misogynist views but then he was rejected from the age of 2, shouted at, belittled etc… My mum left my dad when my brother was about 15 - she said she didn’t leave before because she thought kids need a father but he has done such huge damage to all of us and our relationship with each other. My brother had huge resentment and hatred for me until he got therapy in the last ten years - it is still strained talking to him - I don’t know if he takes medication but it’s like the spark is missing. My brother is actually incredibly smart (top of year in entrance exams) but flunked school - he went back as an adult and got a degree etc… but that rejection has done a number on him. Interestingly when I am around my dad and granddad it is an even worse dynamic - my granddad tells my dad he is a loser, unsuccessful etc… Each generation taking down the next.

You are doing the right thing in leaving. I would give Women’s Aid a call and try and avail of legal advice. I would make sure to get what you deserve in terms of half the marital assets and make sure that the timing and the way your mum gifts you money for an apartment doesn’t stop you getting your half of the marital assets. I am not a lawyer so someone else could advise you better but you might find keeping the apartment in your mum’s name until the divorce is finalised might be a good idea? It depends on the country you are getting divorced in and if family gifts would become part of the marital assets.

You are a good mother. I wish the best for you and your children 🙏💐