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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

42 replies

Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:29

Need some help/advice, just don't know what to do or think. Am a regular and have rl friends on mn so have changed name for this.

Several years ago before we got married I discovered a few gay dating/porn sites on our computer that dh had been looking at. He said he was just curious and was never going to do anything about it.

This morning I needed to get a new address for our friends and I knew they had sent an email to dh. Checked his email and discovered that he has joined a gay dating website which is free unless you want to meet up, then you to pay a subscription. He has paid the subscription which I think can only mean one thing.

We don't spend much time together as his work involves a lot of travelling and I have to be able to trust him. At the moment I don't think I can and feel that I've lost all respect for him.

If it was only myself involved I don't think it would be so bad but have 2 very young dc's. They're watching cbeebies and i'm trying hard not to cry. Feel have been living a lie .

OP posts:
getmeouttahere · 19/05/2008 09:32

Ooohh dear. You poor thing.

You have to speak to him.

Something is happening that could get out of control. Get the babies looked after for a few hours (if you can) and MAKE him talk you.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:33

He flew back to work last night and can't get through on his mobile

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 09:35

Sorry you found that

I think you both need a heart to heart, preferably alone. He obviously has an interest in men - you need to work out together how much of an interest it is, and if it will break you both up.

Maybe he paid the sub to see more or get someones contact details or something, dont automatcally assume he has met someone or done anything.

Would it split you up if he was bisexual and just fantasised, and remained faithful to you?

scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 09:35

i would wait to talk to him face to face - you need to SEE his first reactions.

fym · 19/05/2008 09:36

oh my! no advice but (((((hugs)))))

This is hard as it really isn't your fault.... he may only just be realising he should 'come out' himself

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:36

i don't know if i could stay with him. thought he was happy with me and our dc's. we're obviously not enough for him

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 09:37

its not that you and your children are not enough, its that he has a curiousity (sp?) in something that you cannot fulfill for him(you are not a man). Its not you or anything you have or havent done, at all.

He needs to be more open about his sexuality with you and where he is at.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:37

he's not coming back home until friday eve so will have to wait to talk to him. serves me right for wanting to get an address

OP posts:
Weegiemum · 19/05/2008 09:40

Doesn't serve you right for anything. You haven't done anything wrong.

(( )) No advice, but thinking of you.

ggglimpopo · 19/05/2008 09:40

It is a good thing that he is not coming back till friday - it gives you time to decide what you want/what you are going to do/say.

I think you need to talk to a disinterested third party before you see him - a counsellor or relate or something, to help you think thing s through.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:43

that's what I was thinking too, with him not coming back until friday, I will have some breathing space.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 09:46

its not your fault, hope you do get some breathing space.

Can you not see more info in email or on the site?

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:48

have been to site and it is just what I thought, a dating website

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:49

email was thanking him for renewing his subscription

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 09:49

no messages logged on it though? just thought it may help you find out more what he has been up to so you can work out things a bit more before friday.

OMDB · 19/05/2008 09:50

You need to talk to him, openly and honestly, and without loosing it, and give him a chance to explain.

Don't feel that you deserved this or you are living a lie. It's not your fault your DH has been dishonest with you.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:50

haven't checked the website as scared of what I might find out

OP posts:
OMDB · 19/05/2008 09:52

Check it, it might put your mind to rest. Perhaps he is just curious and flirts without actually doing anytihng.

If you are more clear on what has and hasn't happened it will be easier to talk to him on friday about it.

Freckle · 19/05/2008 09:52

If he's renewing his subscription, it sounds as though this has been going on for some considerable time.

I do think you need to speak to him face to face about it. Could you arrange for the dcs to go to grandparents over the weekend or something? So that you can talk without fear of interruption.

scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 09:55

i know you will be scared, but it will be the truth. Would him flirting with men be terrible for you?

NotABanana · 19/05/2008 09:59

It doesn't serve you right! You should be able to look in your DH's emails without worry.

My instinct is to copy and paste and send what you have found via your email address so he knows you have found it.

Assuming it turns out your husband wants to be with someone else, try and find someone to talk this through with and make some plans for what you want to do.

You could decide to stay with him and both of you have other partners.

You could decide to stay with him and accept he will see other people.

You could make him choose between you and something/someone else.

You could make him leave full stop.

I am so sorry and sad for you that this has happened. Seems so much of it about at the moment.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 10:00

have tried to get on to site but he's not using his usual email address to sign on with but i do know what his user name is. you don't need to pay a subscription to chat/flirt on line only for their "special" services. so the fact he is paying means he is doing more than that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 10:02

have to decided to join myself with a new email account. I have to know

OP posts:
Carnival · 19/05/2008 10:07

Thinking about you.

((hugs))

Sorry, not much help. I think the others are right, you need to think what would be the best outcome for you & for your kids once you get over the initial shock.

My knee jerk reaction would be to check the account, too. But, you may find details that you don't want swimming about in your head, rather than put your mind at rest. You might be better to wait and ask him what is going on.

CountessDracula · 19/05/2008 10:08

I think that's a good idea
you need to know what you are dealing with here.

How will you find him? Presumably he is not using his real name