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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know what to do

42 replies

Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 09:29

Need some help/advice, just don't know what to do or think. Am a regular and have rl friends on mn so have changed name for this.

Several years ago before we got married I discovered a few gay dating/porn sites on our computer that dh had been looking at. He said he was just curious and was never going to do anything about it.

This morning I needed to get a new address for our friends and I knew they had sent an email to dh. Checked his email and discovered that he has joined a gay dating website which is free unless you want to meet up, then you to pay a subscription. He has paid the subscription which I think can only mean one thing.

We don't spend much time together as his work involves a lot of travelling and I have to be able to trust him. At the moment I don't think I can and feel that I've lost all respect for him.

If it was only myself involved I don't think it would be so bad but have 2 very young dc's. They're watching cbeebies and i'm trying hard not to cry. Feel have been living a lie .

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 10:13

he's stupidly using a name that I knew about

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 10:26

you could reset his password on his other email account....

i have done this before...

themoon66 · 19/05/2008 10:27

You could ask to meet up with him using a bloke's name for yourself.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 10:43

have left him a message saying not to bother coming home this weekend but to spend it with someone from ....... and have forwarded the email from the website with a little message from me.
Thanks for all your advice, knew I could count on mn. must go and look after dc's now, baby just fallen off sofa.
Shite mum and shite wife obviously

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 19/05/2008 10:47

you are not shite. its not your fault.

wessexgirl · 19/05/2008 10:54

Please don't think it's about you not being good enough! I bet he views this as being completely disconnected from his life with you.

It's hard to give advice, not knowing HOW important this side of him is in his life - certainly it is horribly unfair and dishonest of him to keep it from you.

Don't make yourself feel responsible for it though! It really isn't your fault.

NotABanana · 19/05/2008 11:12

Hey, listen.

I used to be a nanny and I still have children who fell of beds, counters and changing mats.

What he has done has no bearing on what kind of wife you are. He is the shitbag who has hurt you.

Take a few minutes to have a cup of tea and something to eat.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 11:16

trying not to cry in front of dc's, they're too young to understand. really don't know if i want to come back home or not.

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Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 11:17

i'm a paediatric nurse

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Weegiemum · 19/05/2008 11:57

My dd1 was 10 weeks old when she fell out of bed in hospital!!!

You are not shite, you are just very, very shocked and very very hurt. Is there anyone in rl you can talk to about this to vent? Someone to listen as you talk it through? Could you get in touch with Relate or someone to talk to an impartial listener? Is there anyone on MN you could talk to?

Please don't think the worst of yourself. this isnt your fault !!! You are being very strong and very brave, but you have to remembe rthat. Though it affects you, its his issue.

I think you're dealing with it in a very sensible manner. If it was my dh I wouldn't want him home either!

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 15:19

Back again, have discovered several sites with messages, dating back a few years. Describes himself as Bi but married, at least he acknowledged that fact! He seems to have initiated several discussions, looking to meet up with others bi or gay.

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pixiepip · 19/05/2008 15:23

There are lots o married men who are gay. But who hide it.

You need to ask- do you want to continue being married if he is gay or bi?

He can talk to counsellors who are used to this situation- and you too.

On a practical note- if he has had gay sex- are you safe from STDs etc? Horrible thought- but youneed to ask and be practical.

Good luck.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 15:30

I was thinking the same about std's, since our dc2 was born have only been on minipill. Had status checked during last prregnancy so know I was ok then but don't know about now.

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pixiepip · 19/05/2008 16:23

Best to get it all checked- not nice, but necessary- even if you are both symptomless.

NotABanana · 19/05/2008 19:30

I would make him come home tbh.

NotABanana · 19/05/2008 19:30

I would make him come home tbh.

Original poster
Ineedadvice · 19/05/2008 19:49

We finally got to speak to one another at 5 and we talked for nearly 2 hours. He says he loves me and has never done anything other than look at pictures, that he is more bi-curious than bi. Although I did put it to him that on one of the forums he had asked if anyone was in same area and able to meet. He assures me that he has never met anyone. He has got more to lose than I do, which he realises. Going to chat to him now, thanks everyone for all your support and advice,

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