OLD first date help for oldie!

[PrincessGraceless]

Hello - after well over 30 years, I have a date next week.😳 Someone I have ‘met’ on a dating app. I have no idea how to play it eg how do I greet him. Wave, just say hi I’m ‘Grace’, shake his hand (noooo), kiss on the cheek. Sounds ridiculous I know! Never even spoken to him, just messaged on the app. I know people say FaceTime but for some reason I don’t want to - just going to give it a go. He probably won’t like me anyway. I’m not v attractive. But I don’t want it to be obvious to everyone in the pub that it’s a first date. Help please! Also if I should decide early on or even immediately that he’s not for me (before he declares same about me) - what’s the protocol? It’s a bit of a distance to drive to meet him (halfway), so I can’t just up and leave after 5 minutes citing something’s cropped up. Or maybe that’s what one does. Just any guidance really. Thank you!

It’s your call. Some people are ok with a walk but I think it’s low effort and tight.

For me an evening date means a pub/bar.

Meet him outside, that way you get the greeting out of the way in private.

Just try and see it that you are talking to a new person and you will have a nice time chatting and findng out about him, no matter what comes of it afterwards. Good luck!

To be fair it’s a coastal town and being 60+ (and he is older) I think I’m safe. I don’t know the town as not been in the area long so maybe I should find out the route and ensure has appropriate stops. This is so hard! I was just thinking a Diet Coke in a country pub!

Help! What should I reply and say? Bearing in mind that I’ve already agreed (but no meeting point yet).Someone upthread said it isn’t a date it was more a get to know you with a view to a date, so that’s what I’ve been thinking.

Why dont you just message back and say had a think and would prefer xyz?

Thanks @LemonLass It’s not easy as I’ve never been to this town before - if I had, I could say something like let’s do the walk from A to C and stop for coffee at B. Perhaps I just say something like been thinking that as I run around all day at work, perhaps a shortish walk with a refreshment stop half way would be good?

So wherever person suggested meeting originally (insert pub name), just say suits better?

Good luck, there's always a few duds and weirdos so just chill and post here if you're worried. It can feel embarrassing but really no-one knows who you are, just breathe.

I agree the walk idea sounds bad. I'd just politely ask him to change it. Your original idea of a quick Diet Coke in a pub is exactly right...if he insists on the walk idea, I'd cancel tbh.

Even if you don't fancy each other (very common) he should have the social skills to chat for 40 minutes over a drink.

For greeting, I normally give a quick hug and maybe a cheek kiss, as if I'm greeting an old friend.

For chatting, often it's nice to start off with very low key stuff..."how was your day?", "how was your journey up here?"...

There are definitely some people on online dating with very bad conversation skills so don't take it personally.

Don’t do walk and talk with a stranger. Much better to meet for a drink where there are other people around. You are allowed to say no to his suggestions. I had a first date after a long relationship and was terrified. We left it there for a few months but a few months later tried again and had fun. He was actually really helpful as he was a dating pro so I picked his brain a bit! Good luck and try and relax. I always went in thinking it will be fun if nothing else. I have actually been with my partner for a year and met online so it is possible!

Thank you! Taking it all in. Much appreciated. I’ll be back!

It’s your date as well as his so tell him that’s what you prefer. It’s not on him to make all the decisions.

If youd rather meet at a pub, tell him that’s.

Walk and talk is fine! No pressure, no alcohol, ideally mid day in a public safe space. That’s how my relationship started. Tell someone you trust where you are going. Good luck and keep an open mind!

OP said would be evening due to her working commitments. I dont understand why OP resisting just saying they would prefer original plan of a drink? Enjoy the date, OP x

@PrincessGraceless I don't really understand why you are going for an evening walk, in a town you don't know, with a person you don't know.

I am very cautious, but everything I have heard about online dating suggests that caution is good.

As a test, to see how he reacts to your “no” I would revert to the pub plan. If he insists or gets pissy about the to-ing and fro-ing it means he hasn’t considered your comfort and safety.

As the woman its 100% ok for you to call the shots on where you meet a stranger. Any man who doesn’t get that isnt paying attention.

And it makes not one jot of difference how old he is. He’s an unknown quantity and you need to park your people pleasing tendencies and find your assertiveness.

I would bet my house that this man is NOT the one. You don’t need to act a certain way to impress him or keep him on side.

You need to be yourself, request what you need, put your own feelings first and have a thick skin. OLD is brutal and there’s a high chance he will ghost you or cancel last minute.

Putting too much importance on this first meeting with a random man will likely end in disappointment, so prepare for that. If it happens that you get on well and want to meet again, great. But go in with the lowest of expectations.

Good luck!

Are you saying it is an hour to get to this place? Is he travelling the same distance?

An evening walk in a place you don't know isn't a good idea. Also you are not able to communicate in the same way as you would sitting down in a relaxed environment. Stick to your original plan, just say you've had a think and prefer the pub or even better a coffee shop. Like a pp says l hope he's travelling the same distance as you to meet. Matched effort is important!

Why do you assume you'll be safe and not at risk of getting your drink spiked just because the man is over 60? That's hopelessly naive.

Thank you all. I shall tread carefully!! Another older person I was talking to via the app, all safe friendly stuff, gardening and similar, has just messaged (on the app) to ask me to dinner and a ‘sleepover’ at a hotel. 😂 It’s very interesting this OLD stuff isn’t it!! So I am more aware than ever and I will be very very cautious.

I’m in my 50’s and some of the ahem offers I’ve had are eye openers.

A good friend had a date with a guy who seemed really nice until he walked her bank to her car and asked if they could get in the back seat so she could ‘unleash his beast’

I had a lovely date a couple of years ago and there was a mutual spark - he messaged me from train home to say he thought I was gorgeous and couldn’t wait to get home and - in his exact words - ‘knock one out thinking about your fantastic tits’

These men were pushing 60 ffs

Me and my single friends have a WhatsApp group sharing the best (worst) messages and date stories - it would make a great book 🤣🤣

That’s so interesting @TwistedWonder It’s all a bit sad really! I’m not stupid and am naturally cautious and on the one hand am trying to enjoy the spark of meeting someone and on the other hand being a bit 🤨. The bloke I’m meeting seems nice and I’ve checked him out but - ah, I’m prepared for a letdown one way or another. But his messages have made me smile during a challenging week. And he hasn’t suggested a sleepover - yet 😂

As a 60 yo man, I’m cringing when I read this….

I did actually agree to a walk meet in a different city in my last round of dating.

(I'm quite an experienced online dater and am happily seeing someone else from that round of dating...we met in a pub though!).

The problems were...

• it was hard with things like finding a toilet, finding the meet spot...wondering if there was anything open for coffee.

We ended up going to a church cafe where it felt a bit clichey and we really "stood out" as awkward outsiders amongst all the older people.

• The guy was very socially awkward....He seemed "nice" on messages and had great credentials, he had a significant public work profile and looked great in photos....

• But you could clearly see after meeting why he was single tbh.

He couldn't really hold a pleasant two way conversation over coffee....it was essentially me gabbling away. Even walking around it was me pointing at things and trying to start a conversation!

I suspect this is why he wanted an "activity" meet, as he finds it hard to connect with people and was hoping the shared activity would bond us. His previous meet suggestions had all been activities, too.

For dating or even friendship you need someone whose company you enjoy even in a very dull location.

We were in a beauty spot and he was just very draining, he was quiet, I'd say stuff and he would just slightly contradict me.

• There wasn't any set start or end to the meet. So he ended up tagging along after me, I had some other plans, but it felt rude to tell him to go away...

It was fine overall and not unsafe, but just felt really draining.

I wish I'd insisted on a Starbucks or Wetherspoons near the train station with a good flow of people, then finished a latte or drink and got on with our day.

The end of latte would have been the natural end to things.

I’ve read plenty of stories about a walk for a first date, I get the point about it being a zero cost, low pressure way of deciding if you want to meet up again (almost a pre-date?). But I agree with posters who point out the potential risks of wondering round with a stranger , and it being difficult to find a loo, weather issues, and the correct meeting place etc. so if it were me,I would always prefer a quick drink in a pub

Maintain your boundaries OP. Just smile and say "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me."

If he's keen, he'll suck it up. If he isn't, then you won't meet and you will have learnt that you have some control here.