Could I get thim back or is too late?

[Getexback]

My ex and I still live together but we are separated whilst we sort finances , sell the house etc and we also have an 8 year old child together. We are also married and are going to have to at some point file for divorce but we both have solicitors that are sorting out our finances.
We split last August, it was my decision to end it, I thought I had fallen out of love etc and I also had an emotional affair with someone at work.
Fast forward 9 months, he has been dating someone for 4 months , he stays at hers a couple of times a week. He also introduced his new partner to our daughter as she told me she had met her.
We sleep in separate rooms when he's here and we barely speak as it isn't very amicable.
I am having regrets about the split and would like to try again as we have been together a long time and have a child together and a lovely home. Is it too late to get him back or is he gone for good? Should I even try ?

It’s not that quick if the relationship was already dead in the water. How long has it been since you fell out of love and had the affair? That could be a whole lot of extra time he’s had to move forward with his life.

I'm a bit surprised that he's managed to meet someone so quickly to be honest , I thought he would have taken more time to be single.

Gently, you were hoping that you can go and go whatever you want and he’d sit there single and waiting for you whilst you figured out what you want.

You only want him because someone else does and you’re thinking he must be a good catch.

If he wasn’t dating anyone then you wouldn’t feel this way.

You had an emotional affair and ended the relationship.
He’s now finally found some happiness and you want to ruin it just because you can’t bare to see him with anyone else.

If you cared about him at all, you would leave him alone to be happy.

What have you got to lose. Had my ex reached out in a similar stage I would have worked on things, although I know now that it would just have been for the kids, lifestyle etc and not love for her.

I would make sure you both have some time alone (no kids or distractions) and say to him that you know it's a surprise but you think you have made a mistake. You do want to make a go of it and are sorry. You know that x,y,z was the reason you wanted to split but feel that can be worked on. Acknowledge this is a bolt from the blue and that you will leave him alone to digest and for him to let you know when he is ready to say, thanks but too late, lets split, or to discuss in more detail.

if you say nothing now you will forever be thinking what if and you will struggle to move on. I would say that he may have moved and and she may be ' better ' than you, or he may have done this on rebound etc...

I think the chances are slim, maybe only 20% chance of success but thats still better than 0% as it stands.

we barely speak as it isn't very amicable.

....

I am having regrets about the split and would like to try again

🤯

He’s entitled to move on as are you.

The only thing I’d have an issue with is the time frame within he’s introduced her and the fact he’s done it whilst he still lives in the same home.

It probably would have been better to wait in the moves out unless he’s planning on moving in with the girlfriend.

Why should he be hiding the fact he’s dating? He’s not doing anything wrong; he’s doing it all right - he’s doing it honestly and out in the open. And he doesn’t have it to hide it; he’s not in a relationship with you.

you seem very self centred, every decision you've made is about yourself and your needs but your surprised he's moved on and sleeps over while your still there?
At this point what he does is none of your business.
Leave him alone and let him be happy, put someone else's feelings first for once.

I'm torn on this tbh op. Truthfully you're coming off quite narcissistic in your posts - you've ended the relationship, you've had an affair and now he has moved on you're begrudging him having opened himself up to dating and the fact he's actually found someone.

I take it your emotional affair went nowhere?

I think at the end of the day, you only get one life so if you think you'll regret not doing it then you need to tell him how you're feeling. But op if you're going to do that, you need to be absolutely 100% sure that you are fully committed and all in. It would be deeply unfair to put him through all you have so far and then to potentially ruin his new relationship for nothing if you're just going to look for greener grass further down the line. So only do this if you are certain this isn't coming from jealousy/loneliness and you are all in no matter what.

OP is this really what you want?
Or is this an ego thing seeing he has moved on "quickly.

You list only practical things for the reasons of you wanting to remain in the marriage, yet no mention of your DH ex qualities, and that you miss him. That is telling. Also, having an emotional affair, he is unlikely to ever trust you again, also because you ended it. Going back is a huge risk for him.

If you do go back it will never be the same relationship but a new one. Is he likely to entertain the idea?

Also, you cut your losses with him, he find someone else, now you see he is happy again and want to attempt to sabotage that for him as well.

What is it you can offer him now that you could not before?
Why should he consider it?
If you are completely honest with yourself on the reasons, picture yourself sitting him down and have that honest conversation with him, about how you feel about him, because it has to be the reason, him, not the house or the DC, or how long you two were together or the financial impact.

The reason he has moved on so quickly is because you discarded of your marriage, opted out, emotionally invested in someone else, who may not be in the picture anymore, so now your focus is fear of going solo, regret and panic.

Not good enough reasons to go back, work on you and the reasons you felt your marriage was no longer it for you.

You haven't been together for 15 years. You WERE together for 15 years, then you dumped him.

This. I'll never understand people who chase after sex, destroying people's lives all around them and their own in the process.

Ok, going to be a lot more candid than my brief earlier post.

My husband and I separated after a long period of mutual unhappiness, where neither of us had the skills to unpick what was going on but neither really wanted to end the marriage. He moved out and met someone else. A year or so later he came back and asked if we could try again. We had both had solo counselling by that point. So we dated and lived apart for another year. When I explored with him about his other relationship (because, yes I was jealous and hurt by how quickly it felt he had moved on) his position has always been that she was just someone who was 'nice to him for the moment'. From his perspective, it was never serious. I don't know her version, never met her, never will, but she did not take it well him deciding that his 20 year marriage was worth another shot. He had fairly quickly realised that the idea of starting a new relationship was a lot more appealing than the reality, but needed to go through that process for himself.

We never got as far as agreeing to a divorce and he never introduced his 'new partner' to our kids. But my experience does inform my view that it may be possible to reconcile. However, it has to be because you both want it, not just because of jealousy. Which most of your responses indicate this is about - a sense that someone else wants what you didn't. And that is not enough. You need to love him, flaws and all, not the currently romanticised idea of him because reconciliation after separation is not for the faint hearted. It has to be a complete reset. If he agreed to it, you have to accept that he has had another relationship that you have zero right to ask about because it was not an affair. Unlike yours, which was.

As I said earlier, work on yourself. Get yourself some counselling and find out who you are and what you want from life on your own. Explore your own flaws and what led you to have an affair.

If you still love him and can see a future together, of course you should try. He will either be up for it, or he won’t. Ask him if you can talk, start with a full apology and take it from there.

If, however, as your OP suggests, you are only missing the home and family you used to have, think very carefully about whether to ask him. The relationship is ultimately doomed if you don’t love him and he deserves the chance to find someone who does.

Why did you end things in the first place?

But you’ve said nothing positive. You’ve made it clear that you are not amicable and don’t really talk. There is no relationship.

This.

Could you be experiencing remorse for the relationship you once had?

You say it's not very amicable, yet you want to try again?

You split up for a reason and he has now moved on.

Could this be jealousy that he now has a new Partner?