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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could I get thim back or is too late?

67 replies

Getexback · 06/05/2025 10:02

My ex and I still live together but we are separated whilst we sort finances , sell the house etc and we also have an 8 year old child together. We are also married and are going to have to at some point file for divorce but we both have solicitors that are sorting out our finances.
We split last August, it was my decision to end it, I thought I had fallen out of love etc and I also had an emotional affair with someone at work.
Fast forward 9 months, he has been dating someone for 4 months , he stays at hers a couple of times a week. He also introduced his new partner to our daughter as she told me she had met her.
We sleep in separate rooms when he's here and we barely speak as it isn't very amicable.
I am having regrets about the split and would like to try again as we have been together a long time and have a child together and a lovely home. Is it too late to get him back or is he gone for good? Should I even try ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:33

Well I would be lying if I said it doesn't sting that he seems to have a girlfriend now

OP posts:

sandrevolutionary · 06/05/2025 12:33

How would he ever be able to trust that you wouldn't just do the same thing again and drop him once you've gotten over this wobble about things becoming real?

In his shoes, I doubt I would want to open myself up to that regardless of whether I'd genuinely "moved on" yet or not.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 06/05/2025 12:35

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:33

Well I would be lying if I said it doesn't sting that he seems to have a girlfriend now

And this is the truth of it. You are hurt he has found happiness, and you haven't. So you want permission from here to reconcile and try and destroy his new found happiness. You clearly have a need to be wanted in a very needy way, he stopped making you feel that, you had an affair because it gave you that, and now you are realising he doesn't need you at all and you have nothing and that makes you feel jealous.
Leave the poor guy alone and move on, but work on yourself first

Original poster

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:39

I didn't think he would be staying overnight at hers etc , while we are still living together he's not hiding the fact he's dating someone

OP posts:

sandrevolutionary · 06/05/2025 12:40

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:33

Well I would be lying if I said it doesn't sting that he seems to have a girlfriend now

Of course. Endings are painful.

But the regret you've expressed all seems to be about grief and fear of permanent change. None of it seems to be about him or your relationship with him?

Init4thecatz · 06/05/2025 12:40

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:30

He seemed to go on the dating apps quite quickly and met her 5 months after we split and now seems to be in a relationship, he introduced her to our daughter as his girlfriend apparently.
I'm a bit surprised that he's managed to meet someone so quickly to be honest , I thought he would have taken more time to be single.

You hurt him. You dumped him. People move on quicker when they're fueled by anger rather than depression (like when someone dies).

Also, bit rich saying he moved on quickly when you'd already moved on with an emotional affair.

Clearly his new girlfriend knew what she found.

Motnight · 06/05/2025 12:40

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:30

At least he waited until you split up. Silver lining and all that.

sandrevolutionary · 06/05/2025 12:42

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:39

I didn't think he would be staying overnight at hers etc , while we are still living together he's not hiding the fact he's dating someone

You had an affair and ended the relationship.

I don't think you're the injured party here.

Loopytiles · 06/05/2025 12:43

Reflect carefully on your motives and feelings. Should you seek reconciliation and he agreed it’d be hard and risky for you both and your DC, even more so if your main motives are jealousy and financial.

If you seek reconciliation and he refuses, and there isn’t a clear timeline for separating properly, it could get even more stressful for you in the house.

Whatever you decide, could you seek to improve dialogue day to day, for the sake of your DC?

Moveoverdarlin · 06/05/2025 12:47

Make sure you’re not doing this purely out of jealousy OP.

My little boy has toys he is no longer interested in and couldn’t give a toss about. The minute my daughter picks them up, he wants them back…

WildCats24 · 06/05/2025 12:48

Moveoverdarlin · 06/05/2025 12:47

Make sure you’re not doing this purely out of jealousy OP.

My little boy has toys he is no longer interested in and couldn’t give a toss about. The minute my daughter picks them up, he wants them back…

This

mumda · 06/05/2025 13:06

Getexback · 06/05/2025 11:02

Has he actually moved on then? He's only been with her 4 months. We have been together 15 years

Wrong attitude I think.
You broke it. You have to deal with the consequences.

You were happy to throw 15 years away so why should he give it any more value than you.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 06/05/2025 13:13

You didn't care how long you'd been together when you were still together, why are you surprised he's moved on now you're not? jeez at least he waited until you'd split

waterrat · 06/05/2025 13:16

Op - absoluteyl nobody here can say whether or not there is enough there to rekindle the relationship. You are co-parents so there is no harm in honestly and being open with him. Perhaps even some joint counselling - with the minimum aim of being less hostile/ getting on better as co parents?

ItGhoul · 06/05/2025 13:21

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:39

I didn't think he would be staying overnight at hers etc , while we are still living together he's not hiding the fact he's dating someone

Why on earth would you expect him to hide it? You ended the relationship. He's picked himself up and moved on.

It's embarrassingly obvious that you only want him back because you're pissed off that he's seeing someone else, which you have no right to be because, I repeat, you ended the relationship.

Leave him be and let him live his life.

WildflowerConstellations · 06/05/2025 13:22

I think you need to look in depth at your feelings and be really clear with yourself on

why you had the affair
why you asked for a divorce
what are your motivations for pursuing him now
why you think it would work this time when it didn't previously.

Basically, I think it would be lovely if you could make this work. However, it would be extremely awful if you did get him back and then go "oh yeah this is why i wasn't happy - I don't want him after all".

BitOutOfPractice · 06/05/2025 13:22

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:39

I didn't think he would be staying overnight at hers etc , while we are still living together he's not hiding the fact he's dating someone

Why would he hide it? You are separated.

Wolfiefan · 06/05/2025 13:23

Just sounds like you’re jealous he’s moved on. None of what you say sounds like you actually love him. Don’t fuck about him and your poor kid. Move on.

Someone2025 · 06/05/2025 13:27

Getexback · 06/05/2025 12:39

I didn't think he would be staying overnight at hers etc , while we are still living together he's not hiding the fact he's dating someone

Why should he hide it, you ended it and he is getting on with his life

Are you jealous that he has met someone so quickly and you are still single, are you thinking of jeprodisring his new relationship for that reason

Im sure he wouldn’t have introduced her to your daughter unless it was serious so let him be and get on with your life

BangersAndGnash · 06/05/2025 13:41

I don't think we can say without hearing his account and feelings.

Was your marriage fixable / love re-kindle-able had you not had the emotional affair?

Were you hoping that that affair would lead to something?

Did he want to try and fix things when you ended it?

It may be that he has moved in quickly to distract him from the pain and to have someone on his side. Men do often seek a new woman very quickly.

My parents split up after a long and painful affair by one of them. Then a year later, the one who had the affair came rushing back after an accident, having realised with shock where their priorities actually lay. They had 30 further happy years together.

You would need to be very sure in your own mind that he is not your insurance policy. And that this is not prompted by seeing him with someone else. Or just that you are daunted by the finance and practicalities.

If you feel very sure that you would never do this to him again, or feel trapped if you persuaded him back, then what do you have to lose by trying?

WayneEyre · 06/05/2025 13:48

He doesn't need to hide it. He's not bringing her back or flaunting the relationship out of spite. Sorry but you don't have to like it as long as he's civil about DC. I would think very carefully, even have some counselling before considering trying to reconcile.

I'm not saying don't consider trying under any circs but I'm not sure about your angle which seems to be 'i didn't think he was serious about moving on from me'. You seem to be making him.the bad guy and he isn't really. He's allowed a personal life. If he was bringing her home overnight that would be different but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

How do you actually feel about him? What's changed?

TimeForTeaAndToast · 06/05/2025 13:49

I think you should tell him how you feel. He may well say no, but you won't know unless you ask him. His new relationship is pretty new and loads of rebound relationships don't work out.

BobbyBiscuits · 06/05/2025 13:55

I think you're just seeing him with someone else and deciding you want the rose tinted version of your relationship back.
It's not that easy. You left him.

How would you feel if your partner said they'd 'fallen out of love', chucked you, then as soon as you're getting your life together they fully change their mind? It would be a headfuck and you'd be an idiot to go back to them.

MoominMai · 06/05/2025 13:55

@Getexback In answer to your Q, no I don’t think you should try.

You gave reasons for wanting him back as having been together previously a long time, having a kid and a lovely home. But nothing about actually loving him!

Imagine if he was still single, would you be having these feelings then also?

Regardless, you shouldn’t try and create drama now. You made the choice and now should abide by it.

treesandsun · 06/05/2025 14:09

I don't necessarily think it is too late to get back together particularly if you're still living together in the same house. However what's changed other than the fact that he's now got a new girlfriend? If he didn't have a new girlfriend, would you still be thinking that you want try again? Your child will have gone through a lot :splitting up, him getting a new girlfriend, unless you're 1000% sure I wouldn't even dream about more changes that will impact on your child. Everything you say you want now was available to you before what now makes it distractive when previously you were attracted to somebody else?

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