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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mobile phone issue

28 replies

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 06/05/2025 04:03

I've been seeing someone for 4 months. All going well, getting along good, stayed at each others' places and all fine. No major red flags, only what I kind of perceived as a minor one, maybe not even.... after two months of dating, we slept together. We're not exactly physically compatible but decided to give it time... that's not the red flag though...... his Whatsapp pings almost every night around 11, then 11.30, then midnight.... then around 1 am. Every night without fail someone is messaging him really late. He's dead to the world and doesn't hear it.

I asked him about it and he was evasive, brushed off my concerns if you like. I decided to let it go and mind my business but to keep an eye on things. Last weekend we went on a short break and rented an Air BnB. On the last morning, I left him asleep upstairs and went down to make tea. When I brought it up, he was awake and looking at his phone, but when I walked in his face looked shocked and he turned the phone face down and pushed it under the covers. I said nothing, nipped back downstairs to get something and when I went back into the bedroom he was back on the phone. Not a problem but this time he looked so guilty and quickly pushed it back under the covers again. He seemed incredibly flustered.

I didn't bring it up until later on that day when I got back home as I was tired and upset. I texted him and asked him why he felt the need to push the phone under the duvet twice when I walked in, that it's odd behaviour and could he please explain it to reassure me in some way, as it was bringing up my older concerns about the late night messages... which by the way are STILL happening.

I have never snooped. I was tempted to but never did. A mature adult should, in theory, explain the odd behaviour and attempt to provide reassurance.
Instead, he has read my messages and completely ignored the question.

I know it's not looking good but I'd like to hear what people have to say about it.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 06/05/2025 05:33

Move on already, don’t waste your time speculating, whatever it is he doesn’t want to tell you.

Wholikesbreadandhoney · 06/05/2025 06:54

I think you handled this really well by being upfront and asking.

If his reaction is to ignore your question then you know all you need to know: that you'd be better off finishing the relationship now before you get any deeper involved with him.

GreyCarpet · 06/05/2025 07:09

I agree with pps.

Whatever it is he is doing, he really doesn't want you to know about it.

Everyone is entitled to privacy, of course, but being secretive and furtive is different and is indicative that he knows you wouldn't be happy if you knew what he was doing.

The problem is that, after 4 months, people often think that they can ignore stuff like this, work on their own insecurities, wait for the trust to develop. After all, its early days, you're still getting to know each other, no one owes each other anything particularly... and you like him otherwise...

The problems really come another 6, 12, 24 months+ down the line when the behaviour is still happening, you've started to lose confidence in yourself but you're more emotionally invested now and these things do feel like a problem but it's become harder to walk away. There are so many more of the 'good' memories to walk away from and, after all, you still only have the late night notifications and hiding the phone to go on and it feels harder to give up what could be a good relationship for these 'little' things when you have no actual 'proof'.

If you're not happy now, you've tried talking to him and got nowhere, and really don't want to he feeling like this and worse while you're in a relationship, I'd walk away.

Behaviours that cause concern in the early days rarely get better and often get worse.

And, if they were to get better, you'd always wonder and never know which would erode your trust in him anyway.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 06/05/2025 07:52

@ClimbCroaghPatrick Sorry to say he is messaging someone else, and didn't want you to see. It is that simple. He clearly isn't as committed to you as you are to him at this stage.

Deckings · 06/05/2025 08:09

Move on. Something is off.
Don't waste your time trying to figure it out.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 06/05/2025 08:17

@ClimbCroaghPatrick It is possible he was messaging his mates to say what a good / bad shag you were and was embarrassed by that - but then would you want someone like that either?

TwistedWonder · 06/05/2025 08:24

After only a few months if you’re already seeing this pattern of behaviour (plus the sexual incompatibility) in your shoes if just move on.

It’s a few weeks of your life - don’t waste months trying to fight your gut.

SaraSunny · 06/05/2025 22:35

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 06/05/2025 04:03

I've been seeing someone for 4 months. All going well, getting along good, stayed at each others' places and all fine. No major red flags, only what I kind of perceived as a minor one, maybe not even.... after two months of dating, we slept together. We're not exactly physically compatible but decided to give it time... that's not the red flag though...... his Whatsapp pings almost every night around 11, then 11.30, then midnight.... then around 1 am. Every night without fail someone is messaging him really late. He's dead to the world and doesn't hear it.

I asked him about it and he was evasive, brushed off my concerns if you like. I decided to let it go and mind my business but to keep an eye on things. Last weekend we went on a short break and rented an Air BnB. On the last morning, I left him asleep upstairs and went down to make tea. When I brought it up, he was awake and looking at his phone, but when I walked in his face looked shocked and he turned the phone face down and pushed it under the covers. I said nothing, nipped back downstairs to get something and when I went back into the bedroom he was back on the phone. Not a problem but this time he looked so guilty and quickly pushed it back under the covers again. He seemed incredibly flustered.

I didn't bring it up until later on that day when I got back home as I was tired and upset. I texted him and asked him why he felt the need to push the phone under the duvet twice when I walked in, that it's odd behaviour and could he please explain it to reassure me in some way, as it was bringing up my older concerns about the late night messages... which by the way are STILL happening.

I have never snooped. I was tempted to but never did. A mature adult should, in theory, explain the odd behaviour and attempt to provide reassurance.
Instead, he has read my messages and completely ignored the question.

I know it's not looking good but I'd like to hear what people have to say about it.

You have done the right thing to bring it up now.

If/when it happens again, ask him who is sending the messages? A direct question requiring a direct answer.

My only other thought is, if it is a cheating scenario, surely he would have his phone on silent?

DorothyStorm · 06/05/2025 22:39

TwistedWonder · 06/05/2025 08:24

After only a few months if you’re already seeing this pattern of behaviour (plus the sexual incompatibility) in your shoes if just move on.

It’s a few weeks of your life - don’t waste months trying to fight your gut.

This. End it

Coffeislife · 06/05/2025 23:04

Are they the exact same time every night?

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 13:50

Coffeislife · 06/05/2025 23:04

Are they the exact same time every night?

Yes, they seem to be. Although I haven't stayed over at his house every single night, the 2 or 3 nights a week, on average, that I have, they're around the same time.

I can't be 100% sure that they ARE messages, they could be notifications of something else, but the tone is the same as his Whatsapp messages, which has, of course, made me suspicious.

I've also noticed if I get up after him and he's in the kitchen or living room looking at his phone when I walk in, then he moves away from it and looks shifty.

OP posts:
ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 13:56

GarrynotsoGorilla · 06/05/2025 07:52

@ClimbCroaghPatrick Sorry to say he is messaging someone else, and didn't want you to see. It is that simple. He clearly isn't as committed to you as you are to him at this stage.

That's my first thought, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt to explain himself. Which I have, but he's ignored my plea for connection. The first time this happened and I raised my concerns, he didn't exactly reassure me and a part of me wanted to walk away, but it was even earlier days and I thought I'd give it the chance, go with the flow and allow him to show me who he really is.

The complete lack of contact from him tells me everything I need to know. Zero reassurance, attempt to explain it, attempt to acknowledge my concerns. A thumbs up actually to the bloody text when I said I think I'm done because I feel as if I can't trust you.. hiding the phone, the odd message times.... he has been given the opportunity to connect.

A thumbs up is all I got.

OP posts:
ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 14:00

GarrynotsoGorilla · 06/05/2025 08:17

@ClimbCroaghPatrick It is possible he was messaging his mates to say what a good / bad shag you were and was embarrassed by that - but then would you want someone like that either?

Well no I wouldn't want someone like that either, but if he was telling people how great it was, then that would be a whole lot better than the situation as it stands... or stood.

It never felt as if he was really interested in me sexually. A really good friend I have confided in thinks he's leading a double life and has some kind of kink. He's said stuff, semi-jokingly, about wanting to be beaten, but when I've gently asked him to tell me more, when we've been in bed together, he's clammed up. There are other indicators that he is sexually submissive actually. We didn't have sex at all. I was being very patient but he really wasn't all that bothered.

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 07/05/2025 14:07

I think the thumbs up says it all. Block him and move on, happy in the knowledge that you’ve dodged a bullet. As shitty as it feels, he’s just shown you how he’s going to react when you assert a boundary, and you deserve better.

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 14:25

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/05/2025 14:07

I think the thumbs up says it all. Block him and move on, happy in the knowledge that you’ve dodged a bullet. As shitty as it feels, he’s just shown you how he’s going to react when you assert a boundary, and you deserve better.

Yes, thanks. My friend said total lack of compassion, non-existent communications skills... well, withholding, because he knows if I see whatever it is, I'll be off.... and that is what has happened anyway.

Totally dismissive.

This is going to sound rather sad and possibly a bit bonkers, but I've been "recreating" his hand movements with the phone, what he did exactly, just to reassure myself that I was right to bring it up. I mean, of course I was right to bring up a concern, but that tiny sliver of doubt was there that I might have overreacted. But I personally can't see why anyone would push their phone under the covers for any reason other than a bad one. I got into bed and was doing the same thing with my phone and nooooo.....

OP posts:
LauraNever · 07/05/2025 15:15

After 4 months my partner would have been straight over to my house to discuss my concerns if I said I was finishing the relationship. That your guy just gives a thumbs up is dismal. You deserve so much more. There is so much more out there. And a good sex life will be part of it! Not waiting for 4 months!

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/05/2025 15:29

You have definitely not overreacted 💐

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 15:31

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/05/2025 15:29

You have definitely not overreacted 💐

Thank you!!!

OP posts:
ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 15:32

LauraNever · 07/05/2025 15:15

After 4 months my partner would have been straight over to my house to discuss my concerns if I said I was finishing the relationship. That your guy just gives a thumbs up is dismal. You deserve so much more. There is so much more out there. And a good sex life will be part of it! Not waiting for 4 months!

Thaaaaank you!

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 07/05/2025 15:39

What exactly are you so desperate to hold onto here? You’ve said you’re not sexually compatible and you have a gut feeling he’s up to something untrustworthy.

Bin him off and move on.

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 15:41

DaisyChain505 · 07/05/2025 15:39

What exactly are you so desperate to hold onto here? You’ve said you’re not sexually compatible and you have a gut feeling he’s up to something untrustworthy.

Bin him off and move on.

I'm not trying to hold on. I'm trying to understand and have my understanding, decision and actions validated by others. I've already ended it.

OP posts:
ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 15:42

I guess I don't just put people in the bin, as it were. I tend to be much more kind and considerate than that and weigh things up first.

OP posts:
GarrynotsoGorilla · 07/05/2025 16:50

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 14:00

Well no I wouldn't want someone like that either, but if he was telling people how great it was, then that would be a whole lot better than the situation as it stands... or stood.

It never felt as if he was really interested in me sexually. A really good friend I have confided in thinks he's leading a double life and has some kind of kink. He's said stuff, semi-jokingly, about wanting to be beaten, but when I've gently asked him to tell me more, when we've been in bed together, he's clammed up. There are other indicators that he is sexually submissive actually. We didn't have sex at all. I was being very patient but he really wasn't all that bothered.

Given his lack of sexual interest in you do you think he may have been struggling with his sexuality? And that the relationship with you was him trying to normalise himself? Or like you suggested submissive and wanting you to take full control. The former feels more likely to me. Do you think he may have been a virgin and unable to discuss that and struggling with that? Either way you are better rid of his lack of consideration for your feelings.

Mrsmouse71 · 07/05/2025 22:01

So after 4 months the sex isn’t great and he’s not being transparent about messages??

Bittenonce · 07/05/2025 22:31

ClimbCroaghPatrick · 07/05/2025 15:41

I'm not trying to hold on. I'm trying to understand and have my understanding, decision and actions validated by others. I've already ended it.

Good call. If he can’t be open with you, there’s no future. Consider your response validated 100%