What to do with DH?

[Lillylight]

Married less than 10 years and still trying to figure it all out.
DH can be amazing but he has a sport obsession which is way beyond fanatical. He is super defensive about it so any conversations in and around his sport obsession are red rag to a bull.
I suggested we go away for the bank holiday weekend for a little break which would mean him not playing his sport on Saturday. Just suggested! This has blown up and resulted in him not talking to me and leaving me to go stay at a friend’s for a few days as he is so angry and hurt and needs space.
It’s all just so ridiculous. Any helpful suggestions welcome!

Sounds as though he’s married to his sport rather than you as you are clearly coming a rather poor second.
Are you prepared to put up with such dreadful behaviour?
Hopefully not.

I'm guessing that he's 'sensitive' a lot and often needs 'space.' He's using it as an excuse to get away and to stop you challenging his self absorbed behaviour. Is it golf?

Basically then playing his sport is more important to him than you are.

I used to support a football team where one of the supporters was well known - actually known in football circles nationally - for never having missed a match for goodness knows how many years . His marriage broke up because of it because his wife eventually had enough. And interestingly, though we had quite a few supporters who werequite fanatical attenders, the general view about him privately was that he was mad to sacrifice his personal life for the team.

I honestly think if this is the way your H behaves at the suggestion he puts you and your relationship before his hobby then you should be having serious discussions about the future together.
Because his reaction is totally ott if your suggestion to miss a week's playing is a one off .

My parents divorced because of this. Every single weekend for most of the year was taken up with cricket, football etc. You've got to be able to have a conversation about it before it gets to breaking point.

Yes it’s hard to counter any of your points. His reaction is ridiculous and yes I suggested he misses the occasionally game for family/friend events or so we can enjoy a long weekend together. We’re talking 1-3 games out of 24 which to me seems reasonable.

It’s having the conversation that appears to be the non starter. Even the start of such a conversation causes a huge reaction.

Fuck that shit!

From the way he is responding it could be addiction.

I lived with a man for whom working out was an addiction so it's quite possible for your DH to be addicted to this particular sport. My house mate did overcome it and still exercised to a lesser degree but it might be worth looking at sport/exercise addiction to see if that fits your situation.

The extreme reaction is to train you not to challenge him or incur the wrath. Its purpose is to allow him to do what he wants, when he wants without you interfering. I’d be willing to bet he’s like this about more than just his sport. I would be telling him that he either agrees to have a calm and adult discussion about it from now on or he can go somewhere and do his sport permanently. Do not allow him to disrespect you like this or to manipulate you emotionally.

I do agree that his behaviour is a way of getting what he wants. I also get threaten with divorce which tiresome.

What if you said okay?

Does he really want to be with you? Is he pushing you away?

I’m sorry to hear about your parents; it seems such a shame that a relationship was lost of over a game! I’m happy for my DH to play sport and I’m glad he’s got a hobby but that’s all it is a hobby and we fit hobbies in around life don’t we?! It’s not just the sport it’s the ‘after sport’ carry on which makes it a whole day event.

I wouldn't have the patience for that! What a twat he is.

I think it’s a case of having his cake and eating it!

It is twatish behaviour that’s for sure!

I totally agree that his reaction to you even daring to suggest he miss his sport once is extremely childish and frankly pathetic. He wants to ensure you never ask again. I can also guess that even if he ever does agree to miss it, he will be moody with you at whatever event you've dared to drag him to. He really doesn't respect you at all.

Was he even old enough to get married?? Sounds like a moody teenager.

This isn't about sport, it's about his attitude to your relationship. He's keeping you in your place.

I couldn't be with someone who behaved like that. You need to leave.

This is wise.

Honestly the sport is one thing (marriage is about compromise and his sport seems to come above all else for him), and his reaction is another problem. It's no way to live honestly and he won't change; even if by some miracle he decided to prioritise you for once he'd still do this when he was sulking.

"do agree that his behaviour is a way of getting what he wants. I also get threaten with divorce which tiresome."

You can't have an adult conversation with a child who throws a tantrum when challenged.
Next time take him up on his offer of divorce. Only problem with that is it also requires adult conversations.

He's blowing up to avoid discussion because he knows it's unreasonable of him. Has he always been like this about it? It's difficult to know what you can do because unless you're prepared to leave him you can't give an ultimatum, but I don't see what else would show him you're serious.

A fucking toddler tantrum over his hobby? Ew.
Unless he is a professional and this is his livelihood then this is absolutely unacceptable behaviour from him.

This is so deeply unattractive I'd completely lose any desire for DH if he got angry with me for daring to suggest a weekend away. He sounds like a complete tosser tbh.

I would tell him to stay at his mate’s. So unattractive.