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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to do with DH?

33 replies

Lillylight · 05/05/2025 18:52

Married less than 10 years and still trying to figure it all out.
DH can be amazing but he has a sport obsession which is way beyond fanatical. He is super defensive about it so any conversations in and around his sport obsession are red rag to a bull.
I suggested we go away for the bank holiday weekend for a little break which would mean him not playing his sport on Saturday. Just suggested! This has blown up and resulted in him not talking to me and leaving me to go stay at a friend’s for a few days as he is so angry and hurt and needs space.
It’s all just so ridiculous. Any helpful suggestions welcome!

OP posts:
AlertCat · 05/05/2025 20:36

I suggested we go away for the bank holiday weekend for a little break which would mean him not playing his sport on Saturday. Just suggested! This has blown up and resulted in him not talking to me and leaving me to go stay at a friend’s for a few days as he is so angry and hurt and needs space.

So what you want is never as important as what he wants? It’s so unimportant that you deserve to be ostracised for merely suggesting that you would like something different?

I’m not sure I’d be putting up with this. I’m also wondering where else in life and in your relationship he shows up in this way?

fruitypancake · 05/05/2025 20:44

He is being very selfish - that is the bottom line . He needs to compromise.

TheHistorian · 05/05/2025 20:58

This gives me the shivers. My ex-husband was obsessed with his sport. First it was cricket, all weekend, every weekend April to October including all Bank Holidays plus the midweek practice, committee meetings. Also used most of his annual leave playing during the week. Winter was indoor nets and umpteen meetings. His excuse was he'd been playing since he was 14 and it was unfair of me to expect him to stop, total guilt trip. We couldn't go on holiday during the summer, even got married out of season abroad. I felt trapped.

Roll on a child and I stupidly thought things would change. Nope, guilted me big time. Went on tour when she was two months old. Eventually I had enough and threatened divorce. He gave up Sundays and the cricket eventually died, probably due to his age.

So he switched to golf and despite me threatening divorce it ramped up again. He had a secret arrangement with my mother. Took our daughter round there on Sundays and disappeared to play. I also suspect he was having trips abroad. He worked away three days a week. He would turn up looking very tanned.

The marriage died a death. He was so absent that he was like a lodger not a husband although I can remember him drunkenly telling me one night how happy and fulfilled he felt and if he could only give me some of his fulfillment. I wanted to punch him.

I went to therapy where I realised he was actually dismissive avoidant. He was using his sport and job to avoid both me and our child. I am so glad I got out. Anyone who puts his hobby ahead of his wife and child deserves to be alone. Never again.

I suggest you seriously consider whether you want to be second fiddle to a hobby. I wasted the best years of my life hanging around waiting for him.

Lost20211 · 05/05/2025 20:58

Fuck me. If my husband regularly threatened divorce, I think I would take him up on it.

MyIvyGrows · 05/05/2025 21:00

Is it cricket? My sister is a cricket widow (or goes and serves sandwiches at the match like it’s the 1920s) and I don’t know how she has put up with it for 30 years

BellissimoGecko · 05/05/2025 21:14

TipsyJoker · 05/05/2025 19:15

The extreme reaction is to train you not to challenge him or incur the wrath. Its purpose is to allow him to do what he wants, when he wants without you interfering. I’d be willing to bet he’s like this about more than just his sport. I would be telling him that he either agrees to have a calm and adult discussion about it from now on or he can go somewhere and do his sport permanently. Do not allow him to disrespect you like this or to manipulate you emotionally.

Edited

This.

he is being completely U.

Do you get similar time off for anything you want to do?

he is prioritising himself over you every. Single. Time.

Don’t have a dc with him!

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2025 21:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mine loves his hobbies. When DD was small, he got up at the crack of dawn or stayed up late. It never took away from time with us.

OP’s DH is a twat. They aren’t all twats. I would never have married a fanatic though, you know what you chose.

BountifulPantry · 05/05/2025 21:48

Hobbies are fine I cannot understand why people take things to the extreme though.

Man at work with 3 under 5 and is training for an ultra-marathon. Why pal. Why.

He will be “blindsided” by a divorce next year no doubt. Who could have seen that coming?!

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