Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Flirty messages to another woman

30 replies

peanutbutterjelly6 · 05/05/2025 13:07

Hi I need someone to talk to. My bf (M 36) of three years has been sending flirty messages to another woman. We live together we have 2 sons from previous relationship and now have DD together who is 10 months. Before I get hate for checking his messages something felt off all weekend and I followed my gut and checked his snap.

He briefly mentioned her to me as we went on family holiday to Turkey and he said one of his friends messaged him talking bout how she has been there and places to visit. I thought nothing of it.

The messages were normal just general chit chat but yesterday he was working a night shift and asked for a picture she sent one of her nothing sexual, he commented saying she had a 'beautiful smile' and that it's nice to see her pictures from time to time as he hasn't seen her in person 'yet'.
He then said she looked tired and continued the conversation saying how would she be if she had a man (she's currently single i believe) and that after 2 mins of having sex she would be knocked out. Also that it won't take much to satisfy her...
No messages after that

I am absolutely devastated.. other than this he is a good man looks after us works hard hardly goes out etc... he had a bad experience with the mother of his first child and said if he had another he would have to be 💯 sure which we then had a baby.. I am homely woman I cook clean everything don't give him stress etc I am heartbroken why would he do this to me and for us to have another child if he wanted to go off and flirt with other women

When we first got together we set boundaries I did say if I saw anything like a flirty message he would be gone as the trust will be broken.

I haven't confronted him yet as I'm waiting for more evidence..

Please be kind to me I'm hurting....

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 05/05/2025 13:11

Very sorry this has happened.

You don’t need evidence, or to confront him. He’s shown he’s not trustworthy. You can just make a plan to leave, then do so.

What he said about his ex was a red flag.

You thinking you need to do loads of domestic work and ‘not give him trouble’ was a red flag.

Wholikesbreadandhoney · 05/05/2025 14:25

You say that at the beginning of your relationship you discussed boundaries and messaging other women was one of them.

So he is very deliberately breaking an explicit boundary .

He is not to be trusted.

I don't see how you can do anything other than end the relationship because if you don't he will have the green light to do exactly as he pleases with this or other women.

Horrible for you OP when you have your wee baby.

Original poster
peanutbutterjelly6 · 05/05/2025 17:40

Thank you I'm lucky in the fact we don't have a house together he's living with me I'm going to have it out with him once the children are in bed this has shattered my world

OP posts:
AgnesX · 05/05/2025 17:44

Slimy little toad. I'd be giving him a flea in his ear. If he tries to make out it wasn't a big deal he's showing you he really doesn't care and i'd be showing him the door

GiantSaucepan · 05/05/2025 19:59

What do you want to happen Op? Kicking him out when you’ve got a small baby is a big step. If you confront him, what outcome are you hoping for?

Be clear on this in your own mind as he’ll likely minimise or deny. If he’s anything less than totally remorseful, takes full accountability and offers whatever changes you require of him then you know he’s likely going to keep doing this.

smallsilvercloud · 05/05/2025 20:25

Sorry this has happened to you, I’m guessing similar happened to his ex that she wouldn’t tolerate from him.
Sadly you’ve found out who he really is, unfortunately some men Just aren’t satisfied however good of partner you are, they chase something new exciting for 5 minutes and still get bored.

Original poster
peanutbutterjelly6 · 05/05/2025 20:58

GiantSaucepan · 05/05/2025 19:59

What do you want to happen Op? Kicking him out when you’ve got a small baby is a big step. If you confront him, what outcome are you hoping for?

Be clear on this in your own mind as he’ll likely minimise or deny. If he’s anything less than totally remorseful, takes full accountability and offers whatever changes you require of him then you know he’s likely going to keep doing this.

It is a big step with a baby but equally I cant stay with him for the kids... the trust has broken

OP posts:
Heregoes234 · 05/05/2025 21:43

Hi OP I hope you’re okay this must be such a shock. I’ve been through similar it’s like an out of body experience and you think this can’t be the person you know who treats you well and comes home with a smile.

How are you doing now?

GiantSaucepan · 05/05/2025 21:50

peanutbutterjelly6 · 05/05/2025 20:58

It is a big step with a baby but equally I cant stay with him for the kids... the trust has broken

Show quote history

I hope you’re ok. Did you speak to him?

Coffeislife · 05/05/2025 22:03

Well done for having boundaries sending hugs

MsDDxx · 05/05/2025 22:33

I assume you mean “Snap Chat”.

Why would a grown man even have that app? It’s for teenagers. It’s so juvenile.

I don’t think these messages are too bad yet, but it looks like it might head that way. If you stay with him, make him grow up and delete that childish app.

MsDogLady · 06/05/2025 02:23

When we first got together we set boundaries I did say if I saw anything like a flirty message he would be gone as the trust will be broken.

@peanutbutterjelly6, you really must follow through on your agreed boundary and send him away for now. Otherwise he will understand that your words mean nothing.

Why do you need ‘more evidence’? He has already gone beyond flirting. There’s been an escalation— friendly messages —> asking for photos —> compliments —> inappropriate questioning about how she’d be with a man —> introducing sexual remarks. He is acting like a single man and is pursuing this OW. He is flattered by her attention.

Address this pronto, @peanutbutterjelly6. Tell him this is unacceptable and show him the door while you investigate your options. He knew the score yet chose to cross a line with this OW. He needs to experience what losing you feels like.

Original poster
peanutbutterjelly6 · 06/05/2025 09:55

Thank you all for your advice and kind words really means alot... I didn't speak to him last night as my head was pounding and I just needed to sleep on it and calm down as I was shocked and upset yesterday.. I don't wanna go in all guns blazing.

I am going to confront him tonight.

Update i checked his phone again and the OW didn't act on his messages she just responded saying 'funny guy" and continued chatting about work. She's clearly not interested. My mind is going crazy thinking had she acted upon those messages where would it have led to? I am so embrassed she knows he is with me and we have a baby she must be thinking he's such a dick..

It's so hard how could he do this to our little family I couldn't sleep last night and I was crying

OP posts:
OchreRaven · 06/05/2025 12:53

I’m so sorry. Good that she didn’t respond to his sexual remarks but doesn’t change his behaviour. In fact she could have a case for sexual harassment which could get him fired. He’s not only destroying your trust but he’s potentially putting your finances in jeopardy. And for what? An ego boost? A bit of attention and the possibility of getting some sex on the side?

The reality is if you let this slide it will give him the green light to do it again. Why is he doing this now while you’re pregnant? Because he thinks he has you locked down and he can do what he likes. It’s disgusting. You deserve so much better.

LivelyMintViper · 06/05/2025 16:59

In addition to betraying you , and putting his job at risk , he has really made a fool of himself
How embarrassing

Anyonefoundmysparesock · 06/05/2025 17:08

Op it is no about what you provide for him in order to keep him happy. Its about his character in general and has zero to do with who you are and what you do.

He decided to open that channel of communication and is clearly fishing for something. And again, it has nothing to do with you whatsoever. So snap out of that thinking frame. Imagine being that poor woman though receiving messages like that, she probably feels a bit creeped out, and most likely does not know about you.

I am inclined to know what truth there is to his ex giving him hard time with something. They all say this to reel in a woman claiming to be Mr honest and a good egg etc, when in fact they do this kind of stuff.

Confronting him is not going to do you any favors as he has been in this scenario before with his ex and knows how to play this game. He will project this onto you. He is not nice to you at all because when your back is turned he does stuff like this. All his integrity I would be questioning now in all honesty.

Someone2025 · 06/05/2025 17:31

peanutbutterjelly6 · 05/05/2025 13:07

Hi I need someone to talk to. My bf (M 36) of three years has been sending flirty messages to another woman. We live together we have 2 sons from previous relationship and now have DD together who is 10 months. Before I get hate for checking his messages something felt off all weekend and I followed my gut and checked his snap.

He briefly mentioned her to me as we went on family holiday to Turkey and he said one of his friends messaged him talking bout how she has been there and places to visit. I thought nothing of it.

The messages were normal just general chit chat but yesterday he was working a night shift and asked for a picture she sent one of her nothing sexual, he commented saying she had a 'beautiful smile' and that it's nice to see her pictures from time to time as he hasn't seen her in person 'yet'.
He then said she looked tired and continued the conversation saying how would she be if she had a man (she's currently single i believe) and that after 2 mins of having sex she would be knocked out. Also that it won't take much to satisfy her...
No messages after that

I am absolutely devastated.. other than this he is a good man looks after us works hard hardly goes out etc... he had a bad experience with the mother of his first child and said if he had another he would have to be 💯 sure which we then had a baby.. I am homely woman I cook clean everything don't give him stress etc I am heartbroken why would he do this to me and for us to have another child if he wanted to go off and flirt with other women

When we first got together we set boundaries I did say if I saw anything like a flirty message he would be gone as the trust will be broken.

I haven't confronted him yet as I'm waiting for more evidence..

Please be kind to me I'm hurting....

He then said she looked tired and continued the conversation saying how would she be if she had a man (she's currently single i believe) and that after 2 mins of having sex she would be knocked out. Also that it won't take much to satisfy her...

He said all that to a woman he hasn’t even met!……what a fool, 🤮 and she isn’t even interested

He’s not afraid to be forward with woman so even though she seems not interested he will keep trying until he eventually finds someone who he can have an affair with….he seems quite desperate

Original poster
peanutbutterjelly6 · 09/05/2025 09:15

Just an update on the situation .
So I confronted him, and he admitted he crossed the line and shouldn't have spoken to her in that way and said he disrespected me and he's sorry.

He's adamant about the fact that they are just friends and he has known her for 'years'. He's also adamant about the fact that he wasn't trying it on with her and because she's an old friend they have funny 'banter'. He says he shouldn't have crossed the line. He's not interested in her he loves me.

We had a long discussion and said he won't disrespect me again

I guess we are trying to make go of things, but part of me wants to believe him, but I also feel there's more to it, and because I've caught him, he's saying he's not interested in her that wasn't his intention and she's just a friend

I've just got this funny feeling I can't shake off the more I think about those messages. I feel like a fool but I don't know I guess I just gotta see if I can move on from this or not .

OP posts:
Original poster
peanutbutterjelly6 · 09/05/2025 09:17

Oh and to add i did check his snap chat again and certain chats with friends you can change how long the message stays there for.. so after our conversation he changed their conversation feed to delete 'immediately' ???? I don't even know what to think....

OP posts:
GiantSaucepan · 09/05/2025 09:48

peanutbutterjelly6 · 09/05/2025 09:15

Just an update on the situation .
So I confronted him, and he admitted he crossed the line and shouldn't have spoken to her in that way and said he disrespected me and he's sorry.

He's adamant about the fact that they are just friends and he has known her for 'years'. He's also adamant about the fact that he wasn't trying it on with her and because she's an old friend they have funny 'banter'. He says he shouldn't have crossed the line. He's not interested in her he loves me.

We had a long discussion and said he won't disrespect me again

I guess we are trying to make go of things, but part of me wants to believe him, but I also feel there's more to it, and because I've caught him, he's saying he's not interested in her that wasn't his intention and she's just a friend

I've just got this funny feeling I can't shake off the more I think about those messages. I feel like a fool but I don't know I guess I just gotta see if I can move on from this or not .

What’s he doing to make amends and rebuild trust? Blocked her? Deleted his Snapchat account? Told her they can’t be friends? Given you full access to all his devices, bank accounts and passwords?

OchreRaven · 09/05/2025 09:56

peanutbutterjelly6 · 09/05/2025 09:17

Oh and to add i did check his snap chat again and certain chats with friends you can change how long the message stays there for.. so after our conversation he changed their conversation feed to delete 'immediately' ???? I don't even know what to think....

I’m sorry but no. He doesn’t get another chance to do this to you. He’s admitting to being in the wrong because you found proof so now he is trying to delete any future evidence. Is this a man who is truly sorry and realises his stupid ‘banter’ almost cost him his relationship?

You need to tell him that this action alone showed he did not have good intentions. Ask him to leave and only allow him back when he comes to you with the actions he will take to rectify this I.e. cutting contact, blocking, giving you full access to his devices and deleting snap chat. Don’t ask him to do these things, he needs to tell you that is what he wants to make things right. He’s lost the trust so it’s his job to build it back.

If you let this go you will come to regret it. Either he is worthy and will work hard to rebuild trust or he won’t. If he won’t you are better off without him.

sameshizz · 09/05/2025 09:58

he needs to cut her off completely . No half measures or he isn’t serious about making things work with you .

Gogo509 · 09/05/2025 10:05

This is an awful act of betrayal. The pain is terrible. My advice from personal experience is to get rid and move on. You might not want to and obviously the choice is yours.

Someone2025 · 09/05/2025 10:44

peanutbutterjelly6 · 09/05/2025 09:15

Just an update on the situation .
So I confronted him, and he admitted he crossed the line and shouldn't have spoken to her in that way and said he disrespected me and he's sorry.

He's adamant about the fact that they are just friends and he has known her for 'years'. He's also adamant about the fact that he wasn't trying it on with her and because she's an old friend they have funny 'banter'. He says he shouldn't have crossed the line. He's not interested in her he loves me.

We had a long discussion and said he won't disrespect me again

I guess we are trying to make go of things, but part of me wants to believe him, but I also feel there's more to it, and because I've caught him, he's saying he's not interested in her that wasn't his intention and she's just a friend

I've just got this funny feeling I can't shake off the more I think about those messages. I feel like a fool but I don't know I guess I just gotta see if I can move on from this or not .

There is nothing going on because she isn’t interested, if she had been interested it would be a very different story, IMO he had every intention in trying to cheat

thoughtsthoughtsthoughts · 09/05/2025 10:47

Saw your update properly. I think he will do it again even though right now he regrets being caught. When the coast is clear he'll flirt again. All men flirt.