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Original poster

Am I being a fool, or overthinking

33 replies

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 05/05/2025 09:37

So, I have entered the world of online dating and finding it all a bit if a minefield. I was in a controlling relationship and remained alone for 5 years following the breakup, to rebuild myself and my life after being left with no money/job. It has taken me a long time to do this and I felt I was then ready to meet someone. My friends set me up with their friend and i thought things were good, but he was an avoidant and dumped me by text after 14 mths together, so back to square one.
I waited 9 mths to be sure I was over that, but truly I had been ready to meet someone before he came along and I didn't want to give up on that. I have children, but the youngest is with her dad alt weekends and the older ones have their own plans and I spend a lot of time alone. I am attractive, have a good job, studying for a masters and I am a good person ... I'm trying to say that I am not a terrible catch, but I am finding it all really hard.

I had been on a few one off dates and not gelled with anyone. Then, I met this guy, he was good looking, really funny and we got on great, he seemed really into me. We went on 4 dates in 2 weeks and he was very consistent with texts etc. Fast forward to the last date, i asked him when he was free, he came but I felt he wasn't as into it and he didn't kiss me when he left. He carried on texting and sending me photos of things as before, but didn't arrange any dates. I asked him if he was free next weekend and he said no, he is going for a day trip with some friends, that's cool... But he didn't then say, I can do these other days though. I left it and didn't get any texts for over 24 hrs, but he was online plenty in that time and into early hrs. So, yesterday eve I gave him the out and said if he doesn't want to date anymore i would prefer to know, rather than a slow fade. He replied immediately and said he does want to see me but wants to get to know me slowly, doesn't want to hurt me or mess me around and he doesn't want to get hurt either. I was surprised by this and quite pleased to hear, as I really like him. I replied and agreed that i felt the same and would like to continue seeing him but I felt he hadn't been keen to arrange dates. He read it but didn't reply and again was online in the early hrs. Gut tells me that he is probably seeing people and is keeping me on the back burner, do I wait and see if he is just keeping me as a place holder or what... I know people say that you should date multiple people, but I'm old school and that feels wrong and i know I'd be gutted to see him on another date. My friends are all happily married and have never done OLD and they think I am overthinking it, but I have no idea if it is that, or I am being a fool. Sorry it is such a long post, I feel quite ridiculous asking for advice in my 40s,but I genuinely don't know who to ask and I also really like this guy but don't want to be taken advantage of

OP posts:
HeatedBlanketAllYear · 05/05/2025 09:52

I’m in a similar situation and it’s a minefield.
It sounds like he’s pulling back and keeping you as an option while he checks out other people. If f he was really interested in progressing then you’d know, and he’s not.
Keep your options open and see who else is out there. Sounds like he’s doing a slow ghost and at some point you’ll stop hearing from him altogether. Best of luck!

MarkingBad · 05/05/2025 09:55

I agree with pp he's keeping his options open, he's not on the same page as you. What you want to do about that is up to you.

Wishimaywishimight · 05/05/2025 09:58

Don't allow him to be the pperson that makes all the decisions - take back control! He has clearly cooled off but is happy to keep you dangling.

Communitywebbing · 05/05/2025 09:58

It doesn’t sound promising OP, sorry. Dating is a minefield these days.

Bridestone · 05/05/2025 10:00

Wishimaywishimight · 05/05/2025 09:58

Don't allow him to be the pperson that makes all the decisions - take back control! He has clearly cooled off but is happy to keep you dangling.

Yes. Focus on you. Ask yourself ‘Is this working for me?’

PashaMinaMio · 05/05/2025 10:02

It’s called “monkey branching.” Look it up on Google.

He’s hedging his bets, seeing other women but leaving the door open with you as a fall back.

What to do? Dump him. He’s wasting your time.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/05/2025 10:05

Your gut is right. Be careful about holding on to people because of loneliness. You said the first one was avoidant but you carried on for over a year.

If this one didn't kiss you and hasn't arranged any other dates, I'd move on.

Original poster
Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 05/05/2025 10:18

MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/05/2025 10:05

Your gut is right. Be careful about holding on to people because of loneliness. You said the first one was avoidant but you carried on for over a year.

If this one didn't kiss you and hasn't arranged any other dates, I'd move on.

I'm not lonely, I enjoy my own company. I would just like to share some of my time with someone whose company I enjoy. We have kissed on every other date, just the last one we didn't.. to be fair, he was in a huge amount of pain. You are right though, to not arrange another date though is what is ringing alarm bells.

I directly asked him if he wanted to stop dating, as he seemed to have backed off, so he had the perfect opportunity to get out, so why not take it.
With regards to my last partner, he would go away a lot, so I didn't really see that he was just running away. I took 10 mths to introduce him to my kids as he asked to meet them. I was trying to do things slowly, so I didn't really become aware of the avoidant behaviour until quite far in. I am just ready to meet someone now and just want to find a good man, who wants to spend time with me and I don't have to question motives. It seems the norm for people to date multiple people now and then decide who ticks the boxes, but I find that devalues people 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 05/05/2025 10:19

Wishimaywishimight · 05/05/2025 09:58

Don't allow him to be the pperson that makes all the decisions - take back control! He has clearly cooled off but is happy to keep you dangling.

It is so annoying as i asked him directly if he has lost interest. He could have said yes i am not feeling it, sorry. Why can't people just be honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 05/05/2025 10:28

Hi, I’m not ghosting you at all. Been busy with my girls and now mum. If I didn’t want to know you I’d just say.
I’m getting to know you, I’m not sure if you’re right for me or if I’m right for you. Don’t want to hurt you or be hurt myself. I just take a little longer these days
I’m trying to take my time getting to know you more rather than jumping straight back into a more meaningful relationship and then it not work. (Again)! I’d like to see you again but I’m just saying I’m not sure where this will go that’s all. Just don’t want to muck you about or be seen to be mucking you about.

Hope this reads well x
This was his reply to me asking if he was giving me the slow ghost/fade and i asked if he could just be open if he didn't want to continue dating. It sounded like a genuine reply but then he still didn't arrange a date 😂😂

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 05/05/2025 10:42

I'm old school too but I think unless people are actually sleeping together then it shouldn't be a problem to date several people for a short time if it's still early stages of getting to know each other.

MarkingBad · 05/05/2025 11:24

OP it's the actions that count.

S0j0urn4r · 05/05/2025 12:22

I think you're getting too invested in OLD. It should be a bit of fun not hours of navel gazing. Maybe stop it for a few months? Find other fun stuff to do and you'll probably wind up wondering why you even bothered.

SantasLargerHelper · 05/05/2025 12:35

I'd multi date as well tbh, this guy just does not seem that keen.

Get back on the apps, get some interesting dates lined up and keep him on the back burner as he is doing to you.

Treat it lightly for now. Enjoy.

waterrat · 05/05/2025 12:42

He is messing you around. Please don't waste anymore time on him.

You are now basically begging for his time and attention

He didn't outright end it as you are his fallback option.

Block him now . Honestly you will be so pleased in a few weeks that you didn't waste ant more energy on this

waterrat · 05/05/2025 12:44

Also you don't need to multi date and you don't (and shouldn't) need to keep this guy in your life

Set exactly the boundaries you want. Be honest if yoi are looking for commitment and just believe you are worth it

I suspect from what you have written here that you have an anxious attachment style and are drawn to men who behave in a hot and cold style.

I suggest therapy !! It's what stopped the pattern for me and let me see I was being overly drawn to men who were hot and cold /emotionally sending mixed signals or avoidant

ShapedLikeAPastry · 05/05/2025 12:46

That text isn't good, OP.

No3392 · 05/05/2025 12:53

He's breabcrumbing you.

Don't allow it.

Move on.

Pushandpull25 · 05/05/2025 12:59

He’s realised you and him aren’t right for each other long term but likes you just enough to keep you dangling incase he can’t find anyone else. People always say “i offered him an out so why wouldn’t he take it” but a lot of men don’t want to suddenly be left with no options. So they don’t take your “out” and keep you on the side for just incase. I think the correct question you should be asking yourself is why would you stick around knowing he’s backed off and keeping you dangling whilst he looks elsewhere? If someone has backed off after 4 dates then it’s only going to be more of a slow fade as time goes on….

He has gone from being super keen to throwing you a few breadcrumbs… so tell him thanks but no thanks.

MayaPinion · 05/05/2025 13:07

Most people on OLD are dating multiple people until there’s an agreement to become exclusive. This means he will still be dating and you should be too. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, especially not after a few weeks. When someone wants to ‘lock you down’ you’ll know it, because there’ll be frequent dates, calls, and messages, no slow fades, no second guessing, no faffing about or keeping options open. This one is lukewarm - fling him back.

MoominMai · 05/05/2025 13:16

@Thesepostsmakemechuckle

OP in his reply, he clearly said I’m not sure where this will go

Your answer is there if you look for it he’s inadvertently telling you.

Both your approaches to OLD is different. I can’t honestly say his is wrong and yours is right. They’re just different - in which case you’re actually not compatible with each other. In which case I would move on from him otherwise you’re just wasting time and torturing yourself.

Original poster
Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 05/05/2025 14:22

waterrat · 05/05/2025 12:44

Also you don't need to multi date and you don't (and shouldn't) need to keep this guy in your life

Set exactly the boundaries you want. Be honest if yoi are looking for commitment and just believe you are worth it

I suspect from what you have written here that you have an anxious attachment style and are drawn to men who behave in a hot and cold style.

I suggest therapy !! It's what stopped the pattern for me and let me see I was being overly drawn to men who were hot and cold /emotionally sending mixed signals or avoidant

I don't really have an anxious attachment style. I just don't want my time wasted. When my last partner broke up with me by text, my reply was simply 'ok' and no further chasing/begging, which I don't think I would do if I was anxious. I am just ready to meet someone and his behaviour in the beginning was all in and now has waned, i liked the guy, we seemed to have the same humour and values and I took him on face value. I asked on here as my friends are all saying I am reading too much into it and I should just relax and let it unfold... I don't want to spend 6 mths relaxing and letting something unfold if the writing is already on the wall. I suspect you are all right and that he is leaving me as an option and is currently making someone else a priority and then if he prefers her I'll get the thanks but no thanks text and if he doesn't like her, then he'll sniff back around. I don't know that it necessarily is wrong to date other people and see which one you prefer, but i try to put energy into one and then move on if I am not feeling it, rather than leaving multiple people dangling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 05/05/2025 14:25

MayaPinion · 05/05/2025 13:07

Most people on OLD are dating multiple people until there’s an agreement to become exclusive. This means he will still be dating and you should be too. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, especially not after a few weeks. When someone wants to ‘lock you down’ you’ll know it, because there’ll be frequent dates, calls, and messages, no slow fades, no second guessing, no faffing about or keeping options open. This one is lukewarm - fling him back.

Yeah i get that. He wasn't lukewarm initially but there is a definite energy shift. It's a shame, but a lesson learned 😊

OP posts:
Bibi12 · 05/05/2025 15:13

Thesepostsmakemechuckle · 05/05/2025 10:19

It is so annoying as i asked him directly if he has lost interest. He could have said yes i am not feeling it, sorry. Why can't people just be honest!

Show quote history

You know he has no real interest in you because if he did he would be making an effort and trying to get to know you.
You're the one not being honest with yourself. You don't need his explained because his actions speak louder then words.

seasonalexpression · 05/05/2025 15:25

His message 100% reads that he’s seeing other people. He’s gone from overly keen to not so keen, it screams there’s someone else he’s interested in and waiting to see how it goes with them before committing to further dates with you.

I’m sorry but dont waste your time here

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