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Original poster

DH and his work situation

38 replies

Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 08:57

DH came home one day to say that he had left his job to start his own business. No warning or discussion and we had a 3 months old baby. But fine, I told him I’ll support him and we’ll manage if that’s what he wants to do. Our relationship was rocky since my pregnancy but I thought maybe that’s an opportunity to pull together and build a new start. Well, he tried for 2 months to set up his business, doesn’t want to invest in marketing, and then just announced that it isn’t working. I have a business consultant background and I tried to advise him what he should be doing to promote the business and attract clients, but he is resistant to any advice. For the past months he’s just moody, short fuse, sits around and waits for clients to come to him, (the few that do he quotes a too high price and they don’t work out either then). I then suggested that he looks for a job again but he doesn’t do that either because he has a very clear idea about conditions and hours he’s looking for and frankly it’s unlikely that he’ll get these. Our relationship went from bad to worse in the past months with him being around all the time and in a bad mood. The most annoying thing is, his own business would work if he’d just not be so stubborn. If we did a little bit of marketing and quote reasonable prices to prospective customers. But I can’t say anything to him without him getting annoyed and us having a fight. Do I need to just completely back off? I don’t think it’s about him not wanting to work. He isn’t proactive and I know that he feels overwhelmed and panicked. He says leaving his old job was the biggest mistake of his life and he’s fucked up for good and will never be able to work again.
I’m just about to return to work from my maternity leave now. We can just about manage on my salary. But I’m at my wits end with him.

OP posts:
SwanOfThoseThings · 05/05/2025 09:04

He says leaving his old job was the biggest mistake of his life and he’s fucked up for good and will never be able to work again.

I think you should concentrate on changing this mindset. He tried setting up his own business - it didn't work out - this is not a big deal, I think the stats are something like 95% of new businesses fail in the first couple of years. If he hadn't tried it, he'd have gone on wanting to. He can get another job, this is just another entry on his CV - all he has to say is that being self-employed wasn't for him.

WorthyOtter · 05/05/2025 09:04

What is he doing??! Sounds like he just doesn't want to work, 'starting his own business' was just a good excuse!! He needs to get a job, even if only part time (if you can afford), and use his other time to build his business if this is really what he wants to do. Are you finishing mat leave early because of this? Will he be at least looking after the baby?

Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 09:08

I feel he’s just stuck now…he can’t see a way how to make his business work due to stubbornness and not taking any advice, and he can’t see himself getting a new job either. I agree that getting a new job might be hard for him as he doesn’t have formal qualifications (but loads of practical experience and he’s genuinely good in his job.) It’s a trade.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 09:11

I mean, I do sympathise to an extent because I see how stressed he is about the situation, but I can’t condone his moodiness around me and the baby and his unwillingness to accept help or advice.

OP posts:
Wholikesbreadandhoney · 05/05/2025 09:12

He has a wee baby but he is behaving like a child himself.

You really need to have straight talking with him about your future together because otherwise you are going to end up carrying the whole family load yourself: financially and probably parenting as well.

It's all very well being supportive of him but not if it is enabling him to shirk his responsibilities.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 05/05/2025 09:24

He sounds like he didn't do any planning for example, a business plan. He just had some hair brained idea about being a CEO.

The problem is he chose to have a child and that child needs food on the table and clothes on their back.

If he wants to be a CEO that's great but who is going to pay the bills? I would say that you're dealing with someone with a very bruised ego that doesn't think things through.

Is there anyone he listens to? I would get them to persuade him back to work. If not you're going to have to lay it on the line. You could write down all your expenses, put it in front of him and ask him where the money is coming from.

IButtleSir · 05/05/2025 09:26

What the fuck kind of person leaves their job when they have a three month old baby and a partner on maternity leave?!

I really don't say this lightly when there is a child involved, but I would seriously consider LTB.

Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 09:34

Honestly, given how rocky our relationship has been for months, I would like to leave, but we have a baby. I hope him being back at work would give me some breathing space. I’m still tempted to support his business and even considered doing some promotion behind his back to get him clients. I just don’t understand how someone can be that stubborn. His mindset is now firmly on he’ll never find work and that’s that.

OP posts:
Cerialkiller · 05/05/2025 09:42

Why did leave his job? Did he tell you?

I suspect he had issues and left on bad terms suddenly or was fired. Otherwise if he was really considering a business he would have done all the prep work and planning (and ideally actually started working) BEFORE leaving.

If I'm right then the above would have been a big knock to his self-esteem do I have SOME sympathy, but leaving your job willingly, without a solid plan while your wife is early in mat leave is utterly stupid.

So which is it? Is he stupid or did he fuck up?

Either way he is now marinading on the consequences and I bet he feels shit about it all which is why he is refusing help. If you can dig deeper into his reasoning perhaps he can open up and you can figure this out.

I do think that you need to make it clear to him that it isn't an option to do nothing. You won't carry him. You can't carry him. Obviously if he wants to be a sah dad for a while and you are happy to let him and can afford it then that's an option. Do you think he is capable of this though?

He's also jumped too early really with you on mat leave, you are presumable on low pay and now he is on zero pay. Better to have waited really.

I think it might be ultimatum time if none of the above is resolved recently. He has to do something to fix the situation he caused, you are busy enough!!!

IButtleSir · 05/05/2025 09:48

Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 09:34

Honestly, given how rocky our relationship has been for months, I would like to leave, but we have a baby. I hope him being back at work would give me some breathing space. I’m still tempted to support his business and even considered doing some promotion behind his back to get him clients. I just don’t understand how someone can be that stubborn. His mindset is now firmly on he’ll never find work and that’s that.

I think it's worth considering that a baby would adjust much better after a divorce than an older child.

Is he genuinely suggesting that the solution is that he never works again? For the rest of his life? You cannot reason with someone like that.

Dery · 05/05/2025 09:48

@Cinai2 - you sound like a mature adult and parent; he sounds like a child. As a PP said, you have to be very irresponsible to leave a job with nothing to go to when you’ve just become a father and your partner is on mat leave and then continue with his ridiculous self-pitying attitude. But you mention that you stopped getting on during your pregnancy. It sounds a bit as if he didn’t want a child and he still wants to be the centre of your attention. The current situation is not sustainable. Please don’t allow him to decide he never needs to work again and that you’ll be the sole breadwinner. I somehow doubt he will do a decent job as SAHP.

Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 09:49

Cerialkiller · 05/05/2025 09:42

Why did leave his job? Did he tell you?

I suspect he had issues and left on bad terms suddenly or was fired. Otherwise if he was really considering a business he would have done all the prep work and planning (and ideally actually started working) BEFORE leaving.

If I'm right then the above would have been a big knock to his self-esteem do I have SOME sympathy, but leaving your job willingly, without a solid plan while your wife is early in mat leave is utterly stupid.

So which is it? Is he stupid or did he fuck up?

Either way he is now marinading on the consequences and I bet he feels shit about it all which is why he is refusing help. If you can dig deeper into his reasoning perhaps he can open up and you can figure this out.

I do think that you need to make it clear to him that it isn't an option to do nothing. You won't carry him. You can't carry him. Obviously if he wants to be a sah dad for a while and you are happy to let him and can afford it then that's an option. Do you think he is capable of this though?

He's also jumped too early really with you on mat leave, you are presumable on low pay and now he is on zero pay. Better to have waited really.

I think it might be ultimatum time if none of the above is resolved recently. He has to do something to fix the situation he caused, you are busy enough!!!

Stupid, I’m afraid…and stubborn, he asked his boss for a raise and his boss said no so he just quit. Pretty sure he isn’t fired, I was in the next room when his boss called the next day to talk to him and heard him say something along the lines of ‘thank you for calling and for your offer, but I’m done with working for you.’

OP posts:
Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 09:52

Dery · 05/05/2025 09:48

@Cinai2 - you sound like a mature adult and parent; he sounds like a child. As a PP said, you have to be very irresponsible to leave a job with nothing to go to when you’ve just become a father and your partner is on mat leave and then continue with his ridiculous self-pitying attitude. But you mention that you stopped getting on during your pregnancy. It sounds a bit as if he didn’t want a child and he still wants to be the centre of your attention. The current situation is not sustainable. Please don’t allow him to decide he never needs to work again and that you’ll be the sole breadwinner. I somehow doubt he will do a decent job as SAHP.

Edited

He wanted the child, he was the driving force behind this decision. But he got controlling since my pregnancy which he wasn’t at all before and him not having a job and being in a situation out of control while I’m thriving - I love being a mum and i have a good job to go back to - is something he’s not handling well at all.

OP posts:
AlanShore · 05/05/2025 09:53

SwanOfThoseThings · 05/05/2025 09:04

He says leaving his old job was the biggest mistake of his life and he’s fucked up for good and will never be able to work again.

I think you should concentrate on changing this mindset. He tried setting up his own business - it didn't work out - this is not a big deal, I think the stats are something like 95% of new businesses fail in the first couple of years. If he hadn't tried it, he'd have gone on wanting to. He can get another job, this is just another entry on his CV - all he has to say is that being self-employed wasn't for him.

Why is it up to op to think you should concentrate on changing this mindset.
Op has a 6 month old baby, and a partner with what sounds like no income. The partner should change his own mindset.

SwanOfThoseThings · 05/05/2025 09:59

AlanShore · 05/05/2025 09:53

Why is it up to op to think you should concentrate on changing this mindset.
Op has a 6 month old baby, and a partner with what sounds like no income. The partner should change his own mindset.

Show quote history

Because they're married - unless she's thinking of leaving him, which I didn't get from her post, her options are to live with this and do nothing, or try to support him to change. Just hoping that he will 'change his own mindset' is futile, nothing will change.

Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 10:03

Yes @SwanOfThoseThings that’s what I’m trying to do…just not sure how to get through to someone that stubborn. He’s definitely the most stubborn person I know, that’s always been the case, but now this really seems to be a major problem because he won’t listen to anyone and anything.

OP posts:
almostbloody50 · 05/05/2025 10:19

If he is a tradie and unable to work that’s crazy as they are so so busy right now. So he either doesn’t want to work or is having some issues around the new baby, have you spoken to him about his mental health? I think I read that men can get issues and almost like baby blues (minus the hormones) so could he be struggling with his mental health? How is he with the baby? I wonder if he just wanted to be at home more?

Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 12:18

almostbloody50 · 05/05/2025 10:19

If he is a tradie and unable to work that’s crazy as they are so so busy right now. So he either doesn’t want to work or is having some issues around the new baby, have you spoken to him about his mental health? I think I read that men can get issues and almost like baby blues (minus the hormones) so could he be struggling with his mental health? How is he with the baby? I wonder if he just wanted to be at home more?

Exactly! It breaks my heart to see him and our family struggle with what I believe is a mental blockage when we so easily could build up our own clients and work at our terms. He’s great with the baby but conservative in thinking that as a man he needs to work and not be a SAHP.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 05/05/2025 12:19

But he isn’t working and probably doesn’t help around the house either

it sounds over

EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 12:21

he sounds unreliable and immature

Original poster
Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 12:21

EleanorReally · 05/05/2025 12:21

he sounds unreliable and immature

It does feel like I’m looking after two children…one baby and one stroppy teenager

OP posts:
parietal · 05/05/2025 12:52

He needs to change and want to work. The problem is, the change can’t be forced by you.

is there anyone else who would talk to him? A brother or friend who would take it out for a pint or a walk and talk? Or even better, offer work on a short term paid project that would get him out of the current rut?

he might also be able to access men’s mental health groups like Andy’s shed (I think that’s the name) which can be v useful.

almostbloody50 · 05/05/2025 13:18

Cinai2 · 05/05/2025 12:18

Exactly! It breaks my heart to see him and our family struggle with what I believe is a mental blockage when we so easily could build up our own clients and work at our terms. He’s great with the baby but conservative in thinking that as a man he needs to work and not be a SAHP.

Show quote history

I wonder if there are any services or call lines for men who are struggling after a baby? Or just struggling generally with big life changes.

wouldn’t give up on him, I feel he’s just maybe not mature enough to cope with major life shift and needs some support. He quitting the job and baby timings are fairly major life decisions that have hit him at the same time.

LottieMary · 05/05/2025 13:28

almostbloody50 · 05/05/2025 13:18

I wonder if there are any services or call lines for men who are struggling after a baby? Or just struggling generally with big life changes.

wouldn’t give up on him, I feel he’s just maybe not mature enough to cope with major life shift and needs some support. He quitting the job and baby timings are fairly major life decisions that have hit him at the same time.

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Yes - if he’s in touch with gp for on some places you can self refer for mh support, he’ll qualify for a sort of fast track as post natal within a year of the baby being born.
social prescribing might be helpful as they can signpost to guidance with cvs, interviews, maybe even business support

ChaChaChaChanges · 05/05/2025 13:59

What exactly do you mean by he got controlling during your pregnancy? Abusive men becoming abusive for the first time when their partners fall pregnant is a recognised thing. The advice will vary depending on whether he’s a decent (albeit old fashioned) bloke struggling or an abusive man.