DH and his work situation

[Cinai2]

DH came home one day to say that he had left his job to start his own business. No warning or discussion and we had a 3 months old baby. But fine, I told him I’ll support him and we’ll manage if that’s what he wants to do. Our relationship was rocky since my pregnancy but I thought maybe that’s an opportunity to pull together and build a new start. Well, he tried for 2 months to set up his business, doesn’t want to invest in marketing, and then just announced that it isn’t working. I have a business consultant background and I tried to advise him what he should be doing to promote the business and attract clients, but he is resistant to any advice. For the past months he’s just moody, short fuse, sits around and waits for clients to come to him, (the few that do he quotes a too high price and they don’t work out either then). I then suggested that he looks for a job again but he doesn’t do that either because he has a very clear idea about conditions and hours he’s looking for and frankly it’s unlikely that he’ll get these. Our relationship went from bad to worse in the past months with him being around all the time and in a bad mood. The most annoying thing is, his own business would work if he’d just not be so stubborn. If we did a little bit of marketing and quote reasonable prices to prospective customers. But I can’t say anything to him without him getting annoyed and us having a fight. Do I need to just completely back off? I don’t think it’s about him not wanting to work. He isn’t proactive and I know that he feels overwhelmed and panicked. He says leaving his old job was the biggest mistake of his life and he’s fucked up for good and will never be able to work again.
I’m just about to return to work from my maternity leave now. We can just about manage on my salary. But I’m at my wits end with him.

He sounds impulsive, entitled and immature. Pride comes before the fall and all that.

You’ve done your very best and you must have the patience of a saint but it isn’t your job to deal with the consequences of his ego trips. This cf essentially
expects you to go to be the breadwinner while he sulks that the world isn’t falling at his feet. How you haven’t got the ick already, I don’t know.

If you are thinking you’re going to split up then delay going back to work full time

or he will be claiming he’s the main carer, claiming child support from you while you’re out working full time (and seeing your kid at weekends)

be careful

He's not making sense is he? If he thinks that a man needs to work, why doesn't he apply for jobs, or even ask for his old job back? Obviously, his pride matters more than supporting his family.

He sounds utterly infuriating and I would lose all respect for him. He won't take any advice and everything that he has done so far is to the detriment of his wife and child.

I assume that he will refuse to do child care for your baby when you go back to work as, according to him, that isn't a man's job. I would definitely malke plans to leave him or to kick him out if his attitude doesn't change.

If he's a trade then there's plenty of work but it sounds like he thinks he's special. Of course people aren't just going to accept his quotes.

He doesn't have a choice. He needs to go back to work. If he refuses then you need to split up. Otherwise what? Years of him being like this whilst you struggle.

It's infuriating. My ex thought like this. He thought he could do as he wished when he wished and it would all work out. My plan (before he left) was I was going back to work and paying half of the bills and the childcare. He would have to find the rest. Instead he left ...

Fair play to you OP.

I am genuinely not sure if i could ever forgive my DH if he did this to me.

At 3m pp you were vulnerable and needed him to step up.
He acted like a selfish baby and unilaterally quit his job.
His baby rampage continues with refusing to actually set up his own company and run it properly, and now he is sulking because he "cant get a PAYE job" now... which we all know is nonsense.

In your shoes I'd get back to work and stay with him until the baby was 2-2.5 and sleeping and you are back in the rhythm at work then I'd be leaving as my marriage and respect for him would be dead

If you want to make it work i geniunely think he needs a short sharp shock and get him to Wake. Up. and get back on track

I’m thriving - I love being a mum and i have a good job to go back to - is something he’s not handling well at all.

That’s really sad OP - is this some kind of competition between you and him? He should be happy for you and grateful for this.

Also you have a business consultant background and he won’t take your advice. I just get the feeling he doesn’t consider this a relationship of equals and I just couldn’t be doing with that in 2025.

Is he doing the childcare when you go back to work?

Just one more thing where he doesn’t make sense…one day he asks me to find a nanny because he has to work and will never be a SAHP and when I tell him that I’m interviewing Nannie’s he says this is silly because he’ll never find work again anyway.

My long term plan is to leave, I don’t think our marriage can recover from this. But I want to wait until my baby is settled in nursery (when he’s 1) and ideally DH is in a full time contract. Then I think we’ll agree on the baby living with me and he’s having him on weekends. Right now he’s too much of a loose canon, if I leave now anything could happen, from him disappearing completely from our baby’s life to him wanting 50:50 with help from his family (realistically he’d move in with them) and I don’t want 50:50 nor my baby living with his family.

If you're going back to work after 3 months, he either needs to be a SAHD, or go to work also! If he's doing neither, There's no reason why you couldn't leave him now, he's not helping you in anyway just sounds like a burden more than anything. You're having to look after him and a baby, go to work, and I'm assuming you do all the housework and cooking too

He needs to get over himself. He messed up. It happens. That's done. What's important is what he does next. If the new business isn't taking off he needs to get another job and shelve it until he has more time ( not with a small child). If he's serious he can work on it one day at the weekend while you take the baby and evenings if it's not his turn to do bedtime. I think your long term plan is wise but don't let him talk you into him being a sahp or going part time if you're not planning on staying.

He is letting you all down badly. His judgement is shocking. Look after yourself (and baby) OP you cannot rely on this man, loose cannon is exactly right.

It sounds to me like he’s been jealous of you being on mat leave. He thinks you’re enjoying a nice holiday and why should he go to work when you don’t have to? I would definitely bin the idle, infantile cocklodger.

Sounds like typical male ego. My husband was exactly the same ... "played" at being a business owner, which worked out financially as I'm the breadwinner and earning well. But eventually I got sick and tired of his BS and divorced him.