Do I need to downsize, divorce or both?!

[ResentfulDIYer]

I would really welcome your thoughts on my situation. Mid-fifties, married 25 years and the children have just left home. Like many others, we are planning to downsize for the next stage of our lives and are getting ready to put the house on the market. However, the process is bringing up longer-standing issues in my marriage and I would welcome some advice.

We are moving largely because we obviously don’t need a 4-bedroom house with just the two of us here (yes, our diamond shoes are too tight). However, I love it here and am only moving because it is too much work for me. It always has been but I can’t really justify staying here any longer when the children have moved out. Note that I say too much work “for me” because I do all the cleaning, gardening, DIY, animals, car etc. We live rurally and have not managed to get anyone to help with cleaning/garden (had a bad experience with someone stealing from us which hasn't helped!) Since lockdown, my husband has done all the food shopping and cooking but I do absolutely everything else and always have done. Ironically, this has come to a head precisely now that we are putting the house on the market to make our lives easier.

He is away for a few days visiting family. I said I couldn’t go because there is too much work to do at home as we agreed to get the house on the market before the summer holidays. Basically, this is a conversation we have had multiple times since Christmas. The house was looking very tired as we haven’t repainted in 10 years and the garden is a complete jungle. So every evening and weekend I have been slowly chipping away at it to get through everything that needs doing – decluttering, painting and fixing things.

I have sorted and repainted the house from top to bottom and have nearly finished outside. My husband has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. And we have had a couple of quite unpleasant arguments, when he has suggested going out for lunch (or like this weekend going away) and I have said that I can’t because I have to work on the house. I have also pointed out, not always very politely TBF, that it would take half as long to do everything if he would do something also. However, he goes out walking, watches the football or plays on the XBox, while I do everything. He says that yes the work needs to be done but I exaggerate about how little he does and that I am disrespectful when I speak to him about it. We have had this argument over 25 years about the “regular” housework TBH so I can understand why he thinks I will just get on with it myself.

It was a joint decision to put the house on the market. We also agreed it needed a lot of work to increase its appeal as it is a bit quirky and we want to maximise what we make on it as it is going towards our pensions. After one particular argument in the early days, my husband agreed to take on finding an electrician, plumber etc. for all the little jobs that need doing (fixing lights, a broken loo etc). Months later, he hasn’t called anyone so I have now organised this too.

Yesterday, as I was mowing the lawn (another thing that my husband has never done, not even once), it suddenly occurred to me that this stage might turn into something else. Once we sell this house, we could split up. I know this sounds ridiculous, but this just hadn’t occurred to me before and it has blown my mind. I’m so very angry at him about all this. He is talking about the future and how we will have more time and money to travel together etc. but (in my view at least) he is not doing anything to help us get there. And, when I stop and think about it, I’m not sure that I want to spend the next stage of my life with someone who will sit on his arse while I do all the hard work, then tell me I am being rude/unfair when I point this out to him. As above, this dynamic has been going on for years but has become much clearer as a result of all this moving malarkey.

To avoid drip-feeding, he earns significantly more money than me, works long hours and travels for work every month or so. This house was more my preference than his. But it has been a great place to live as a family and very convenient for his job. When we are not arguing about the house, we get on very well. We have raised two children together, who have turned out pretty well so far. But I am so very cross with him right now that rather than move somewhere else with him, I am all of a sudden contemplating leaving him instead. Am I being ridiculous?

Despite all my frustrations, I do love him. He has been a good dad and is super supportive of me workwise. I cannot imagine doing this to our children, or to my in-laws. They have been so kind and supportive to all of us over the years. My own family is small and pretty horrible – we are low contact. The thought of coming into my 60s with the fallout from this, sadness for the children and a much-reduced family is super depressing. Of course, this is not the only option. I could practice the same kind of quiet quitting that he is clearly engaged in, keep things largely the same family/money-wise, and enjoy having less to do in a smaller space. And/or I could find a better way of saying what I have said here to try and get him to contribute more. Either way, I need to do something as, if/when we move, this same dynamic will follow us with added resentment thrown in on my side about the move itself.

I realise that this is a pretty privileged situation to be in compared to many/most especially right now, so I should probably stop moaning. Even so, I am feeling fed up about it and have no one to talk to for obvious reasons! Any thoughts on my situation would be most welcome. Thank you for reading and sorry that was so long!

I really feel for you. I don't know what advice to give, I've been with DH for almost 30 years and would find it too hard to deal with leaving and the changes it would bring to me and my DC. I'm concerned for you regarding the house move, and the work that lays ahead, because putting it on the market is just the beginning and the whole process of moving can be an incredibly difficult task with all the required admin, liasing with estate agent and solicitor, and the physical move itself. If he's not going to be much help then that's a massive task.

I know you say you couldn’t get anyone in to help with tasks but honestly you are being such a martyr. Why not get a painter and decorator in so you could go out for lunch with your husband. Sounds like he’s a great breadwinner and if he does all the cooking and food shopping that’s a big win. It doesn’t sound like you are working as a team but maybe he’s shattered from work and travel etc. Just trying to give you a perspective. Good luck.

You're not wrong for having these thoughts.

I would suggest that it's a good opportunity to slow down with sprucing the house up while you think about what you want the other side of the sale to look like. Another year at this point won't make much difference in the long term. It would give you chance to have some proper conversations with him and take some time for yourself.

This all sounds very hard, and you are not being ridiculous to feel this way. Quiet quitting sounds good, but my worry would be the resentment would continue. Let's face it: he is not going to change so you need to weigh the pros and cons of staying with him- whether you move or not.

Are you sure your DC won't want to come back to live with you ever as renting is so painfully expensive now and jobs are more precarious? Be careful about downsizing too much.

Moving is very stressful so it's not surprising that you are bickering so it's not possible to say whether this is a time to split.

You said more about where you are leaving rather than what you want to downsize to. You need to talk through this and see if your future ideas are compatible.

As your DH has no interest in practical tasks and you don't want to continue and you don't want to move again as you get infirm, you need to move to somewhere easy to look after with a tiny garden. Luckily that is common for newish builds. They have little storage space so you have to get rid of nearly everything. Look up Swedish death cleaning.

I dunno.

we moved to a rural house with a massive garden and that was big.

I didn’t really care but my DH really really wanted the lifestyle. It was a massive amount of work - the garden especially. I happily left a lot of the work to him because I would have been very happy with a small easy to maintain new build.

honestly if he’d started whinging about how much work it was (he didn’t) he’d have got a very sharp “you chose to move here and take all this on” from me and I really would not be helping much.

that aside, you really do need a budget for tarting up the house and just get tradies in. There’s a limit on how much it’s worth doing the work though - especially if you have been there a while and it’s got old fashioned decoration a lot of buyers will plan to redecorate anyway.

I now live in a lovely small new build which is so much less work.

I think you would deeply regret leaving him
over this. Do you both actually want to move, or does it just seem like the inevitable/sensible next step? Either way, pay for someone to come in and sort out the garden, paint the outside and fix what needs fixing. As for the rest, accept that you care about it much more than he does and neither of you are “wrong” in your stance on that. I think you have got bogged down here and are not really seeing the wood for the trees. If he loves and respects you and contributes in other substantial ways, him not having any interest in house maintenance/decluttering isn’t the end of the world.

I think I would try again to buy in help. Cast a wider net, look for someone able to come in for a larger chunk of time, eg a day a month rather than a few hours weekly for the garden and cleaning. Maybe try an agency. Close up the 3 bedrooms which are not being used.
Cast the net wider for a decorator/ handyman. Expect to pay more. They are hard to find, so you will have to book them well in advance.
You may have to decide to reduce what needs to be done. If that means the house fetches less, then so be it.
It sounds as if DH is fine in most ways - you say you get on well, he does all the cooking and shopping ( that’s probably a good 10 hours pw) and he’s earning well. He’s not doing this other stuff because he doesn’t want to, or doesn’t think it’s necessary. That doesn’t mean you have to do it all by default. It sounds like you don’t agree on what has to be done. If he agreed with you he would be doing more.
Dont miss out on the nice things , going out at the weekend etc.
I do know how annoying it can be, my DH won’t do decorating even though he is able, and I’ve been very resentful about it over the years. But it’s a bigger picture thing, mine does( for example) all the driving because I don’t like it, and spends a lot of time helping out my elderly mum. Starting again would be very difficult, I think.
You are in the fortunate position of being able to buy in help, so I would be focusing on that. Unless you really don’t like DH.

That sounds really tough OP, do you work? You’re doing the lion‘s share at home (although I wouldn’t minimise shopping and cooking too much if he’s working long hours) how much are you working compared to him? That’s one consideration I’d have.

I think you are having very valid thoughts about the resentment of taking on the mental and physical lead of running the home. Can you throw some money at it right now. I am putting my house on market and gave hired in an end of tenancy cleaning team to deep clean it all. I wouldn't hesitate to hire in decorators and gardeners too if needed. That way it's done and I frankly haven't the time or stamina to do it. Could you do that too?

Next I would pause before marketing it. At the moment he's the breadwinner which may offset your contribution to home making. Will he share running the home when retired? If not I would probably leave as the prospect of doing everything still into your own retirement whilst he just acts like a guest would finish off any respect and love I had for a partner.

Will he look after you as you age and need more support with tasks, mobility, care etc. if not then he seems to be getting more from this relationship than you are. Tough decisions but you have time to reevalue.

Does he still work these long hours ? Do you work? I mean if he works long hours and is providing the bulk of family income plus food shopping and cooking ... is that added up "his half" of the household work? I don't know I'm asking btw
I think if you divorce or stay together you need to have some deep conversations about where you are. Have you considered some couples counselling. It may help you work through your feelings. But ultimately it doesn't sound like you love him right now

It is not clear why you didn't find a reliable cleaner and get some help in with house renovations. Are you looking for some compromise - you go out for lunch or on some outing, in return for some support from your husband with particular tasks?

I think many relationships struggle after children have left home. People have to try and find a new way of living together. At the moment you and your husband seem to have very different agendas.

I've left every man who hasn't pulled their weight. I'm not a servant.
The absolute last straw was when I needed a major back and hip operation and my fit and well husband did absolutely nothing as I struggled to mow our 100 foot garden every week and refused To hire a gardener as it was a "waste of money" when "we" can do it.
That was it for me. I'm much happier alone in my new home with a courtyard garden.
I'm 63.

I would announce you are going travelling for a month or a few weeks and say why. Choose somewhere on your bucket list, eg Italy, and say that he needs to reflect while you are away on whether he chooses to be with you and change, or chooses to stay the same and leave. Doesn't need to cost a fortune.

A proper conversation about your future together, including the near term house move and longer term division of responsibilities is long overdue. Instead of having to figure all this out yourself, open up the dialogue, check on his motivation for the marriage and make a plan that you can both agree to. It will probably blow some of those cobwebs away and give your relationship a new lease of life,

there seems to be no reason to split up, you've got the strong relationship foundations of respect and togetherness (even though the mundane stuff is probably dragging you down), you just need a bit of a 'reset'. The fact your DH wanted to do some social activities together, says that he still sees you very much as a couple and probably wants to get things back to a happier place than worrying about mowing the grass and decorating the living room. Quite frankly if you're selling the house I'd be doing the bare minimum, not trying to get it looking like a show home.

He’s has had it easy so of course he will carry on - apart from you getting upset at him there are no consequences for his inaction

the fact that you being upset doesn’t motivate him shows how little he actually loves and cares for you

you both work but you do pretty much everything else isn’t a good place to be

you are doing a classic mum thing - how will this affect everyone else when everyone else is busy thinking about themselves

just once on your life - think about the retirement and older age you want - is doing all the work what you what - always being a bit tired and out upon ? Is that a compromise you are prepared to make ?

There is no mutual respect in this relationship - it’s all one way - he is not bothered she isn’t hapoy

I think I would move and try and get a cleaner and gardener if need be. Then see if doing nice things together repairs things for you. You could have a conversation with him and say you've been feeling this way. His reaction might help you in your decision.

That sounds awful, but I don't think the OPs DH is in the category of treating the OP like a servant and refusing to buy in help. It doesn't seem like the OP has even asked for external help after their bad experience of someone stealing, which has put them off.

The problem is that women often make a rod for their own back by getting on and doing what needs to be done "it's quicker and easier just to do it myself " and are under appreciated (at home and at work!).

So many great replies already, thank you everyone! Lots to think through and comment on. A couple of people have asked about our respective working situation so just wanted to stop by and clarify.

We both work. I went straight back FT after both mat leaves. We each have quite a lot of responsibility at work and have to travel a fair bit (him more than me TBF). As I said before, he earns a lot more than me but that is of course because I was the one taking children to football practice and dentist appointments when they were younger. I work about 45-50 hours a week at the moment. He prob works a bit less than that. I realise my workload is nuts but I'm currently trying to make up for lost time on the building-up-my-pension front!

Start hiring help. Find a handsome younger handyman that you laugh with whilst he's sat there.

See if that shapes him.

45-50 hours a week is far too much! That intensity of work must be making you feel depleted and burnt out. I would have a serious think about the merits of being in a treadmill to build up your pension when you could crash and burn from overwork.

@ResentfulDIYerin which case I can certainly understand why you’re considering your options, how much he earns is irrelevant (in terms of ‘pardoning’ him from his lack work around the house). Ultimately, it comes down to respect, if someone doesn’t respect you enough to care when you’re struggling, then you have to ask how much love there is the in relationship.

It’s ultimatum time.

Op did state that being in a rural area help isn’t always easy to come by and if you have had someone steal form you , you probably won’t want someone alone in the house , and if you are sitting there supervising it’s not a huge gain

I would slow down on the house-tarting and throw money at couples counselling for a bit instead, and some solo counselling: downsizing is a big decision, so is divorce. Counselling might help you see what you want the rest of your life to look like: would you be happy doing all the work alone as a single person, and if so, where and what would that look like? If you split, is there enough money for you both to have homes where the children can come home if/when they need to? Would you miss rural living? Would you stay in the house if DH truly pulled his weight? Could you work fewer hours because yours sound insane?

Hash it all out in therapy before spending money on home help, stamp duty or divorce solicitors.