Do I need to downsize, divorce or both?!

[ResentfulDIYer]

I would really welcome your thoughts on my situation. Mid-fifties, married 25 years and the children have just left home. Like many others, we are planning to downsize for the next stage of our lives and are getting ready to put the house on the market. However, the process is bringing up longer-standing issues in my marriage and I would welcome some advice.

We are moving largely because we obviously don’t need a 4-bedroom house with just the two of us here (yes, our diamond shoes are too tight). However, I love it here and am only moving because it is too much work for me. It always has been but I can’t really justify staying here any longer when the children have moved out. Note that I say too much work “for me” because I do all the cleaning, gardening, DIY, animals, car etc. We live rurally and have not managed to get anyone to help with cleaning/garden (had a bad experience with someone stealing from us which hasn't helped!) Since lockdown, my husband has done all the food shopping and cooking but I do absolutely everything else and always have done. Ironically, this has come to a head precisely now that we are putting the house on the market to make our lives easier.

He is away for a few days visiting family. I said I couldn’t go because there is too much work to do at home as we agreed to get the house on the market before the summer holidays. Basically, this is a conversation we have had multiple times since Christmas. The house was looking very tired as we haven’t repainted in 10 years and the garden is a complete jungle. So every evening and weekend I have been slowly chipping away at it to get through everything that needs doing – decluttering, painting and fixing things.

I have sorted and repainted the house from top to bottom and have nearly finished outside. My husband has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. And we have had a couple of quite unpleasant arguments, when he has suggested going out for lunch (or like this weekend going away) and I have said that I can’t because I have to work on the house. I have also pointed out, not always very politely TBF, that it would take half as long to do everything if he would do something also. However, he goes out walking, watches the football or plays on the XBox, while I do everything. He says that yes the work needs to be done but I exaggerate about how little he does and that I am disrespectful when I speak to him about it. We have had this argument over 25 years about the “regular” housework TBH so I can understand why he thinks I will just get on with it myself.

It was a joint decision to put the house on the market. We also agreed it needed a lot of work to increase its appeal as it is a bit quirky and we want to maximise what we make on it as it is going towards our pensions. After one particular argument in the early days, my husband agreed to take on finding an electrician, plumber etc. for all the little jobs that need doing (fixing lights, a broken loo etc). Months later, he hasn’t called anyone so I have now organised this too.

Yesterday, as I was mowing the lawn (another thing that my husband has never done, not even once), it suddenly occurred to me that this stage might turn into something else. Once we sell this house, we could split up. I know this sounds ridiculous, but this just hadn’t occurred to me before and it has blown my mind. I’m so very angry at him about all this. He is talking about the future and how we will have more time and money to travel together etc. but (in my view at least) he is not doing anything to help us get there. And, when I stop and think about it, I’m not sure that I want to spend the next stage of my life with someone who will sit on his arse while I do all the hard work, then tell me I am being rude/unfair when I point this out to him. As above, this dynamic has been going on for years but has become much clearer as a result of all this moving malarkey.

To avoid drip-feeding, he earns significantly more money than me, works long hours and travels for work every month or so. This house was more my preference than his. But it has been a great place to live as a family and very convenient for his job. When we are not arguing about the house, we get on very well. We have raised two children together, who have turned out pretty well so far. But I am so very cross with him right now that rather than move somewhere else with him, I am all of a sudden contemplating leaving him instead. Am I being ridiculous?

Despite all my frustrations, I do love him. He has been a good dad and is super supportive of me workwise. I cannot imagine doing this to our children, or to my in-laws. They have been so kind and supportive to all of us over the years. My own family is small and pretty horrible – we are low contact. The thought of coming into my 60s with the fallout from this, sadness for the children and a much-reduced family is super depressing. Of course, this is not the only option. I could practice the same kind of quiet quitting that he is clearly engaged in, keep things largely the same family/money-wise, and enjoy having less to do in a smaller space. And/or I could find a better way of saying what I have said here to try and get him to contribute more. Either way, I need to do something as, if/when we move, this same dynamic will follow us with added resentment thrown in on my side about the move itself.

I realise that this is a pretty privileged situation to be in compared to many/most especially right now, so I should probably stop moaning. Even so, I am feeling fed up about it and have no one to talk to for obvious reasons! Any thoughts on my situation would be most welcome. Thank you for reading and sorry that was so long!

It reads like an over reaction and you’re just irritated with him but maybe you are seeing this as an opportunity for you - you could separate, your children are settled out of the family home, you will have the money from the sale. If you want to split this is probably the best time practically. Sometimes small irks grow into deep resentment.

On a practical level, I’d get a few estate agents in and ask them how much tarting up you really need to do.
Would there be enough equity in the house for you both to buy a reasonable property?

On an emotional level, things sound a bit rubbish. I split from my ex because he wasn’t pulling his weight around the house and with the kids, but he wasn’t pulling never nasty or abusive and we continued to have a good relationship after.
However, I can’t describe the massive weight that was lifted off me - everything became my responsibility, but it was different because the low level constant resentment that there was another perfectly capable adult in the house who ignored the day to day stuff just went.

Also, it does sound like you have disposable income and certainly will when you downsize so just hire the help. Why have you decided to work full time and travel AND do all the house maintenance. Give yourself a break.

It sounds like you've both decided to work career jobs so surely the benefit of that is being able to hire help and enjoy your spare time together doing nice things.

Now I live alone I have a cleaner and a gardener, both men. Neither of them feign incompetence because if they did I'd sack them. Same with a husband in my opinion.

I would start viewing smaller homes prior to putting yours on the market, the difference you’ll save between a 4 bed and 2 bed really isn’t much compared to the loss of the extra space. Also being grandparents down the line would be nicer to have a bigger space. Downsizing is not always the solution or a happy place people think it will be.

I would 100% get in help, I’m semi rural and yes it’s tricky but not impossible.

i would also sit down and show you DH your post, see his reaction to the fact his lazy ways are making you feel so down. To be 100% honest I think with his hours and yours there should have been some help paid for all along.

Don’t slow down on the house sale while you try therapy/ working on your marriage - or it will drift and then it will all be to do again

you need to move so that you can be somewhere where help / GPs / dentists / public transport etc are all available for the next stage of your life. without needing to drive. And where you enjoy your home, not feel it grinding you down. You need to future proof your living situation , in other words. People tend to leave this too late

But do you buy somewhere together or apart? If you asked for a divorce now, would he drag his feet / refuse to sell? Would he be so horrified he’d step up? Or would he just put spanner after spanner into the works?

I think OP sees her future retirement clearing up and doing all the housework while her husband sits around doing nothing and has realised she would have less work to do if it was just her. I'm sure its something we have all thought about, its not like OP is a housewife, shes working full time and doing most the housework.

How’s intimacy/ physical aspect of your relationship with your husband? Do you still fancy him? You can write down pluses and minuses of this relationship to see if you want to continue and if it worth spending the rest of your precious life on him. It maybe worth it, only you can decide. In the current set up you have described above - you became his mummy, hence, the resentment.

I’m not surprised you feel resentful.

You’ve got to both communicate effectively.

Surely he’s intelligent enough to see the balance is completely wrong here.

Too late now, but you really should have employed trades and both paid half each.

i was in your exact same position a few years ago - planning a joint move, then secretly thinking a divorce might be better for me. I had the same resentment about the workload for much of my marriage

However we were both 10 years older than you are and we were both fully retired. I still did everything though, including shopping and cooking, plus admin and bills. The fact that retirement for him was expensive hobbies, regularly in our local pub and lots of boys nights out, weekends and longer times away, ramped up my resentment and I felt no better than a servant.

Our relationship grew worse and eventually I didn’t want to spend any social time with him. The menopause and giving up alcohol didn’t help and he was a very social drinker.

During the marriage he rarely took accountability, always felt he was right and would quickly become rageful if I didn’t submit quickly. He was lovely when he was getting his own way without any questions.

So there I was suddenly wondering if I would be unreasonable to get a divorce.

I would suggest you first seek private counselling to discuss this matter. It could be six of one and half a dozen of the other and you need to work through your differing styles. This may then lead you to seek joint counselling with your husband.

You say you still love him so there is hope there. Remember Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes.

I did the therapy (chartered Clinical Psychologist) and realised that my feelings of resentment were actually due to me being bullied and emotionally abused by my husband. I asked him if we could go for Relationship Counselling but my now Ex refused point blank. Divorce was then an easy decision.

As soon as we discussed divorce the gloves really came off and I realised the true extent of his contempt for me. I was nothing more than a housekeeper that facilitated his expensive and single lifestyle. His anger at me was entirely because his living standard would have to drop - nothing more.

The divorce was really difficult and very hard emotionally for me (a bully is always a bully), but finally it is over and I can at last breathe a sigh of relief.

So, find a good therapist first, don’t say anything yet and slow down the house move. Quiet quitting would be a good tactic.

I doubt your DH will change. You could look at getting a cleaner etc. Once the house goes on the market it will need to be immaculate at all times for viewings. Weigh up what your life would look like without him. Does it look good to you? Ignore kids, in- laws etc: they have their own lives. What does this next stage of life look like to you and to your husband? Are you on the same page?
If you feel you'd rather navigate the future alone work out your financials.
There are other ways of being together eg still married but not living together.
Good luck! I hope whatever you decide brings you happiness.

Divorcing him won't mean less housework/gardening/ maintenance for you.
I am much more like the H in this situation, I would struggle to be motivated.

If all you differ on is the time invested into keeping house, then move to a home where you can pursue house care as your hobby but in a way you can enjoy not find burdensome, and he can carry on being good at what he's good at. OP says he is good at plenty of things she does value, especially (sounds like) very routine tasks, so maybe there are more regular chores like that he could do.

Also, schedule some time for him to be in the garden with you, to do the tasks you delegate to him as you go.

I do t agree, Peanut.

a modern flat with a terrace , and only her own mess to clean up? Much less work, and also
much less resentment, which is
more of a burden than the actual drudgery

Literally the worst advice I've ever seen on here.

Why do you feel you have to do all that DIY?

Just a few thoughts.

I think you are downsizing too early and quickly. Mid 50’s with children, what early/ mid 20’s? How long has the nest been empty? Is this going to be yo

I recognize a martyr, it was my default setting for years. Taking 2 hours out to go for lunch or 2 days off to go away would not have made any real difference to the state of the house. It goes on the market a week later than planned, so what? If you didn’t want to spend time with your husband and in laws fair enough. If you thought by saying no you would make DH feel guilty it didn’t work.

Sorry I posted too soon.

I was going to say is this going to be your final move. You could have 30 years plus in your new home so why the hurry. Your work hours seem insane to me. Why add the pressure of a house move right now when you are working 50 hours a week.

I would ask these yourself & him thesequestions

If you downsize & live together or live separately, if you release some money from the sake, what do you intend to do ?

Retire early before state pension age ?

Give some money to your children ?

Travel ?

Do hobbies ?

Relocate to where ?

What do you each want to make you happy ?

Life is far too short to spend all your time doing house work !

Start making a bucket list of things that you want to do

I have downsized twice

I prefer experiences & travel, but everyone is different

The choice is honest discussions about your relationship, not the house or kids but if there is anything left to salvage. As much as that is part of the reason for the marriage being in crisis it’s also a distraction as to if positive feelings can ever resurface.

Or the other is divorce, you can do that just prepare to be much poorer financially.

You are the one that pushed for a rural move after living in splendid isolation for a while think very carefully about what you could afford if you split and if you can handle it.

We also live rurally. To the people saying hire in help, it is not so easy. Travel and travel time often needs to be factored in. As for finding tradesmen....it is easy to find someone to do a project, but for all those little jobs, handymen are rarer than hen's teeth.

I'd aim to sell and both of you move to a joint, central, rented, easy-care apartment with a cleaner for a year to give you 'time to look for the perfect house'. Take it from there. Maybe you'll find him easier and more fulfilling to live with if there's not so great a load to pick up. Maybe you won't.