Husband hid significant bonus from me

[Witsend25]

I’d been struggling with my husbands finances for a few years as things became quite erratic in our joint account. I found different bank cards etc. We’ve lived together for 18 years and shared a joint account for all of this time. No problems (as far as I was aware) He is the main breadwinner and earns a very good Salary with all the perks. I’ve taken the back seat and been the stay at home mum caring for our two children and worked part time for the past 10 years, putting my career on hold etc.
Anyway, I confronted him about the account and different transactions (money being moved to different accounts) he said what has it got to do with me! Then a year ago he stopped having his wages paid into the joint account. Again, when I challenged this he said he moved them to stop me snooping, to protect himself!
Then in February I opened two letters that came (at the end of my tether and I know it was wrong) and he had been given two bonuses totally over £20000. I sealed them back up and hoped he’d share his good news with me when returning home. He didn’t.
For 3 days I waited, feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach. I ended up confronting him. He responded with ‘what have I done… I’ve ruined everything. I’m abusive and coercive and controlling… I was devastated. He kept saying it was his money and bonus etc and had worked hard. I should be grateful for the life he’s provided. I tried to explain to him that without me supporting him and being there for the children he wouldn’t have had the success etc. This went on for 3 weeks where he told me I was attacking him and tormenting him and fixated by money. I’m not. All I wanted was the truth and an equal partnership. In the past he hasn’t always presented the best behaviours or attitudes. He’s told me ‘to know my place’ ‘grow up’. Said I’m pathetic and need to grow up etc.
The thing I struggle with the most is that we’ve been together all of my adult life. I haven’t known any different but in my heart i know it’s wrong.
I told him I wanted a divorce and he refused mediation- not giving me the satisfaction. Suggested a quick divorce off the internet which I found insulting.
At the last hurdle I asked him if he was gambling and he said yes. In debt etc and kept it a huge secret from me. I cannot forgive him for how much the lies and deceit has hurt me and impacted our family life. He says he loves me and doesn’t want things to end but I know it’s gone too far. Can anyone relate to this?

He has done worse than hid his bonus from you. He is a selfish deceitful man who is abusing you.

You really have no option but to leave. Get a good solicitor.

Best of luck. I hope your future is better.

First things first - you need a full time job.

This sounds like your husband has a gambling addiction. He’s opened up to you enough to let you know this, which would have been extremely difficult to do. He’s at the point where he knows this is something he can’t deal with himself.

As a family, shouldn’t you be working together to fix this and find a way forward rather than just focussing that he hasn’t shared the money with you?

He may not be gambling, may be just saying that so when you get divorced he can claim he spent the money

either way, get divorced - it’s over

That's exactly what I thought

Don't believe anything he says about anything. Get a proper divorce solicitor and I think you might need some kind of forensic accounting here.

You'll find out the truth with forensic accounting

Thank you for your reply. I feel completely overwhelmed. He says I’m attacking him and tormenting him for keep bringing it up but it has destroyed me. I’ve had slamming of doors, he marches off from me in the street… tells me I should be grateful for the life he’s provided. He won’t talk about finances (we own our home etc and no debt to my knowledge) he’s still won’t be honest. I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do but I’ve lost all love for the married based on the lies. He was never going to tell me about the bonuses and doesn’t think I should know about his salary. Yes he knows everything about me. Now the tables have turned and I’m standing strong he’s tearful and full of remorse but it’s gone too far. The hardest part and scariest part is having children involved and not being the main earner or financially secure.

No, you’re not tormenting him. You’re not abusive. You’re not anything.

He’a gaslighting you so that, along with the door slamming and avoidance, he doesn’t have to answer to you, which he does.

You have to leave. It’s gone way too far with him.

Hello. He had no intentions of opening up or telling about gambling. I’m absolutely not with him for his money, never have been. It’s his behaviour around me and the children that has chipped away at me. Two days before opening the letters I had reached out to women’s aid as I felt like I was in a financially and controlling relationship. He rolls his eyes, slams doors, slams his breaks on in temper. Lots of behaviours and because he knows I have access to the joint account ( which I never used via the app) he then hid things from me even more. We’ve been together 20 years. I thought all marriages were built on trust and respect. I wish he had told me about the gambling but it’s much more than that.

I don’t know the full circumstances OP, and it doesn’t sound easy.

A problem gambler will be fighting a losing battle to cover up the losses, desperately trying to make the money back in a never ending cycle that just drives them deeper and deeper into despair and debt.

Whilst this is all going on they will be doing everything to keep a lid on it and not draw attention to anything financial, whilst trying to appear ‘normal’

This gets incredibly stressful and any form of perceived attack on that person will make them shut down more.

The movement of money from the joint account, removing his salary from being paid into it and then hiding of money points strongly to a gambling addiction. It’s easy to look at this that he’s being sneaky or hiding money, which he is, but probably due to the reason that he’s lost control of the debt and is desperately trying to sort things out.

You will get more out of him if you approach this by trying to understand, tell him you’re willing to listen and sort this out together as a family. That’s there’s nothing so bad that can’t be sorted out.

The reason why I say this, is because I was a gambling addict. I lost my house, my savings and was in a huge amount of debt that I just gambled more in an attempt to clear.

Someone telling me they would find a way out of this with me was what helped more than anything. I paid, and continue to pay, the debt back entirely alone as I feel it is my responsibility to do this.

OP you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Aside from the money he sounds unpleasant and abusive to live with. I hope you can leave and find a more peaceful life for yourself and your children.

He is using DARVO on you. Deny, attack, reverse victim offender. He is an abusive man. He needs professional help, you need to get out. He sounds like he's erroding your sense of self and reality. I'm so pleased you've been in touch with Women's Aid.

In marriage it's not his and hers money it's ours.

I tried to explain to him that without me supporting him and being there for the children he wouldn’t have had the success etc

Hmmm.

Either way he's abusive, he's probably lying about gambling so he can try and explain away missing money in the divorce. Get a decent solicitor so you can get what you are owed and a job.

I 💯 hear what you are saying and I do understand that gambling is a mental illness. I have had to reach out to Gamcare and had therapy. What I find the hardest is he still isn’t being honest with me. I have found out he has remortgaged the house without me knowing (3 years ago) and withdrew £18000 without me knowing to his own personal account. It’s really sad but I feel so hurt and overwhelmed because if I had never opened those bonus letters I would still be in the dark and living a lie with it all.

I wish you well with your recovery. It’s really brave of you to talk openly about your gambling addiction.

Suggest you get a lawyer and possibly a forensic accountant and start to get a handle (and hands) on your martial finances asap. This happened to a friend of mine he was gambling in futures on the stock market. She knew but didnt step in and secure her half fast enough and everything was lost. Had to go back to work full time at 60 and live in council accommodation for the elderly.

You need to get back into work asap, OP. Can you easily get a job back in your old line of work? I know your DH is a dick but is he good with the kids, that when you start work he’d do childcare?

I would also contact a solicitor asap and find out your rights, and what your financial situation will be when you divorce, I’m saying when, and not if. I think you now need to take control of your destiny and make sure you and are looked after.

Hi I do work part time (12 hours) to fit in with the children but have been also training and have an interview next week for another job. My hope is I can work the two jobs as a starting point. My salary will never be anywhere near his but I’ve come to understand that money can’t buy you happiness. My dad says can I put up with this for another 40 years…. Puts things into perspective really.

Rinse him in the divorce court and take the house. Men who abuse their partners ALWAYS call them abusive, it's in their playbook.

This is financial abuse, sorry. I would make an ultimatum - be upfront and honest about all finances or divorce.

Have you seen proof of his gambling? I would be inclined to take it with a pinch of salt until you see this. My initial instinct is he’s claiming this so he can tell you he has no money left. The “quick divorce from the internet” supports this.

Make sure you get a good solicitor.

Once an addict, always an addict.

You can’t work through this with him because 1) trust is gone-gone and 2) you’ll live the rest of your life watching the accounts wondering if he’s doing it again

Is it possible that he’s lying about having a gambling addiction so that you believe he has no money when you get divorced? He could just as easily be lying and hiding his bonuses/salary away.
I would suggest appointing a forensic accountant if you do get divorced.

OP is your name on the deeds of your home and do you have a joint mortgage? if so your dh has committed mortgage fraud as remortgaging requires all parties express permission and signature.

You need to look into this as there are very exceptional circumstances that allows one party to remortgage, but that usually involves a court order.