I’d been struggling with my husbands finances for a few years as things became quite erratic in our joint account. I found different bank cards etc. We’ve lived together for 18 years and shared a joint account for all of this time. No problems (as far as I was aware) He is the main breadwinner and earns a very good Salary with all the perks. I’ve taken the back seat and been the stay at home mum caring for our two children and worked part time for the past 10 years, putting my career on hold etc.
Anyway, I confronted him about the account and different transactions (money being moved to different accounts) he said what has it got to do with me! Then a year ago he stopped having his wages paid into the joint account. Again, when I challenged this he said he moved them to stop me snooping, to protect himself!
Then in February I opened two letters that came (at the end of my tether and I know it was wrong) and he had been given two bonuses totally over £20000. I sealed them back up and hoped he’d share his good news with me when returning home. He didn’t.
For 3 days I waited, feeling sick to the bottom of my stomach. I ended up confronting him. He responded with ‘what have I done… I’ve ruined everything. I’m abusive and coercive and controlling… I was devastated. He kept saying it was his money and bonus etc and had worked hard. I should be grateful for the life he’s provided. I tried to explain to him that without me supporting him and being there for the children he wouldn’t have had the success etc. This went on for 3 weeks where he told me I was attacking him and tormenting him and fixated by money. I’m not. All I wanted was the truth and an equal partnership. In the past he hasn’t always presented the best behaviours or attitudes. He’s told me ‘to know my place’ ‘grow up’. Said I’m pathetic and need to grow up etc.
The thing I struggle with the most is that we’ve been together all of my adult life. I haven’t known any different but in my heart i know it’s wrong.
I told him I wanted a divorce and he refused mediation- not giving me the satisfaction. Suggested a quick divorce off the internet which I found insulting.
At the last hurdle I asked him if he was gambling and he said yes. In debt etc and kept it a huge secret from me. I cannot forgive him for how much the lies and deceit has hurt me and impacted our family life. He says he loves me and doesn’t want things to end but I know it’s gone too far. Can anyone relate to this?