After the death of our son, I think my partner and I should split up

[Artmum2025]

My partner and I lost our son nearly 7 years ago at 23hrs old, after a birth in hospital where everything that could go wrong went wrong.

Since then we have had another dearly loved son who is now 5 and a joy to our life. But we have also been waiting for our first sons inquest to finally happen. It's the worst feeling in the world to know this is still ongoing after all this time, it was delayed initially due to covid but since then it has been just tied up in a beaurocratic nightmare. It has taken a lot of strength to endure this and although we have sought support from others to help pursue it. Even that takes a lot of strength. We haven't fully been able to even deal with our own grief whilst this has gone on either. I have had counselling previously since this happened but it didn't really help because we had no date for inquest. I have recently started counselling again which is starting to help this is because Following another intervention instigated by ourselves to the court by our MP he has forced them effectively to formalise a date to take place within the next few weeks.
But my partner and I are probably at our worst right now. We had a nice day out on Saturday but was eating out when a small disagreement turned into a huge argument and he said he hated me and all sorts of things, said we have drifted apart over the last 5 years and said how upset he is with himself for staying with me so long. It's just so sad I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can cope with a break up with him on top of the inquest finally taking place but likewise I can't cope with him saying these things to me. I just feel so down. Our lives have changed a lot over rhe last 7 years, i struggled to return to my role as a senior manager and in the end gave it up, I returned to university to complete my degree and now work in roles related to that but it's part time work to fit around childcare for our son. My partner also lost his role as a manager due to all this and has eventually got back into a similar level role but only in a temp position at the moment. So we have gone from being able to do whatever we want whenever we want to having this added pressure around money that we didn't have before. Over the last few months we have been having quality time together and enjoying it alot doing things we used to do before we had children but it's monthly rather then weekly as it would have been before. I just don't know what to do, it's I just feel so sad.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

How has your husband dealt with his grief and the stress? Has he seen a counsellor? Does he have a good support network?

Oh honey. I am so sorry for your loss. That must have been horrendous. The inquest delay must feel like you are reliving this every day. You are both still grieving and obviously don't have closure due to the inquest. You both sound like you have PTSD
Has your husband sought any kind of support?

I’m so sorry for your loss. Having to wait so long for an inquest is terrible. 💐

has your h had counselling? How is he coping in general?

Yesterday was a really sad day after what happened on Saturday. I did speak to him about this though about dealing with his grief. Seeing a counsellor, because he hasn't. He did see a counsellor once when I was pregnant with our second son but I remember in the first session she started crying when he told her part of what happened and it affected him a bit he didn't want to go again. I think he does need support with it but he seems to just want to blame me for how he's feeling. How down he is, anger he has, how upset he is with himself it's all my fault apparently and that's just making me upset so we are in this ficious cycle with it all.

Oh yes we definitley have both suffered from PTSD, what happened to our son was awful and its taken a lot for me to even be able to cope with even living again after it. I couldn't accept for a long time that I had lived and he had died after what happened. I have had therapy for this and have restarted again to be able to cope with the inquest. But we have had to relive it over and over and over again with this going on. My partner has struggled to cope with life too after it all, he hasn't really had any counselling no, I do think he needs it. We just have our son who is our world keeping us together now.

OP it sounds like he's been repressing his feelings for years and I assume you've been focusing on your own grief (understandably), so he's had no one to lean on.

Coming up to the inquest he'll be stressed as well and it will dredge up a lot of feelings. Cruse offer free bereavement counselling. He might also benefit from a support group.

Oh this is heartbreaking OP.

Losing your lovely baby, and in such circumstances, is horrific.

But I can't even imagine the mental strain of waiting all this time for the inquest.

It's no wonder your relationship is under so much pressure.

If counselling is helping you then encouraging your partner to seek similar help would be advisable.

If the inquest is eventually going to take place in the next few weeks then hopefully you will get chance to start the healing process.

Good wishes and sympathy to you both.

I would say that he really needs to recognise his feelings.. Until then he will just be repeating the same cycle. I agree. You keep going for yourself. Is the counselling helping you at least?

Gently, you are still going through terrible grief and that isn’t going to change anytime soon.

It’s great that you are starting to rebuild and look to the future.

I don’t think now is the time to think about your relationship. I’d ask him to park it for a bit longer.

Just concentrate on being as kind to each other as you can, until after the inquest.

When the dust settles after that, think about rebuilding your lives, either together or apart.

For the moment, you’re still in survival mode.

The terrible thing for you both is, you’ll be ready at different times. The journey is very individual and hard to navigate with a partner as you inevitably trigger each other and set each other back.
That doesn’t mean it can’t be done. It means that there will be rough patches that feel insurmountable.

One day at a time.

OP I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. The circumstances around that sound horrific and I can't imagine how hard it is to still be waiting for the inquest. You've had no chance really to grieve with this hanging over you. I'm glad your lovely little boy is such a source of joy for you both.

Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to any of us and a lot of marriages don't survive it - we all grieve differently and we don't always have the headspace and energy to support each other when we're struggling ourselves.

There is an organisation called The Compassionate Friends - they are bereaved parents who offer support and friendship. They literally saved my mum and dad after my sister died. Being with people who just understand what you're going through and can talk about the things that are going on in your head makes such a difference. For my dad, who wasn't good at talking about his emotions, meeting other dads who were feeling the same, really helped him. It might help your husband too.

https://www.tcf.org.uk/

7 years for an inquest? Christ I'm sorry OP. Waiting nearly a year nearly broke me. You can't grieve properly until it's over. No wonder you're both just done.

He won't face it because it's painful. If you suppress grief to that extent, it comes out in funny ways. You can't suppress it forever. I think I'd be asking him to speak to someone or separating is inevitable.

It's cruel to parents making them wait so long for inquests. The disruption to the grieving process has a massive emotional cost. Some relationships can't come back from it.

Thank you everyone for your kind words i do appreciate it.

Yes I think your right. I did say that yesterday too that we should park it for a while. Its just what he said and how he said it has affected me a lot it felt very hateful if im honest. I think its because I had my first counselling session on Friday, it's the first one I've had for about 3 years. The last time it was difficult because the inquest was still ongoing and I think they struggled to know what to say how to support. The counselling i had on Friday was great and really helped me feel like I can get through the next few weeks. We did have another issue out of the blue this week with the court. Which upset me but i thought we were strong through it as a couple and i thanked my partner for his support after counselling I felt like i could cope with whats to come. But then this argument happened on Saturday and just feel down again and don't know if I can cope with what's going to happen. Just to add in terms of communication on the inquest the correspondence comes to me, ( I never thought I would be doing this for 7 years) we never know when we are going to recieve anything or what it will be. We have been through everything over this last 7 years.

I probably need more support from him dealing with this inquest then he can give me which is probably the real issue. Thanks for the links I appreciate that too.

I couldn't carry on with my role as a manager in a corporate job because I never knew when I would recieve contact from.someone on the case. It was really distracting and emotional to cope with. So have found myself in part time work which makes it easier for me to cope with dealing with all this alongside childcare for our son. But I know that's all an added pressure now for us too and has changed our lives.

Thanks again for the links, kind words and the advice. It can feel like we are being tortured most days with all this. Any help is genuinely appreciated x

He's doing the typical man thing of fixing blame onto his partner so he has an excuse to run away from all the grief and agony that is going on.
Men do this at the end of a marriage, when they have affairs and when something horrible like this happens even typically when their wives have cancer.
The trouble is when you run away it all comes with you. Nothing is resolved.
What he really needs is extensive counselling with a really good counsellor.p
Breaking up will ruin everyone's lives including your existing son and will resolve nothing.
If you can get through this together you will all be the stronger for it.

I'm so, so sorry for what you have both been through.

I would say you both owe it to your 5 year old to do everything you possibly can to stay together. That means both of you continuing with counselling, whether individually or as a couple. If he refuses, then I think you need to tell him that this will probably lead to the break-up of your family, which is not in your son's best interests. If he still won't do it, at least you know you did everything you possibly could.

I agree, I did say a similar thing. That your blaming me for every aspect of your life when that's not even possible. I think its the grief and unresolved anger too, it's just easier to direct it at me. But that's devastating for me to hear, it's quite crushing for me after all we have been through. He was reluctant to see a counsellor at all when it first happened he did eventually but when he said what happened that she was upset I was gutted for him as last thing he needed right then was another bad memory having to support a crying counsellor now. When he's already supporting me. He needed the support himself. It jusy went wrong. So he says he tried to go when I bring it up but says about that experience and it didn't help him. To be honest it did probably make things worse for him at that moment when I look back, he probably felt like he had no one for him to turn to. At that point I was suffering from severe anxiety and struggled to be able to leave the house.

I can understand this OP. I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I can’t believe you’ve been waiting this long for the inquest and what that pressure must be on you every single day in the back of your minds. It won’t necessarily bring closure to you to have it all finalised but it may bring some sort of relief to at least have the inquest completed and to try and move on from thinking so much about how things unfolded during that time in your lives.

We lost our baby daughter during birth under extremely traumatic circumstances in 2021. There wasn’t any need for an inquest etc so I haven’t been through that side of it but I know the way it changed our relationship from that day forward and things may never feel the way they once did. I also don’t know if myself and my husband will stay together forever anymore.

I feel sometimes the arguments we have now will start over something very minor and will blow up into huge shouting arguments. Sometimes I can feel the rage in me and I know that it’s not about the argument, it’s about the anger towards our lives, the universe for the hand we were dealt, angry at the world for having to live this life without our child. It’s like we see an opportunity to release some emotion and it will all come out entirely wrong and be really unhealthy for us both. Could it maybe be the same for your DH, he may not mean what he has said but he is angry at other aspects?

I admit myself and my husband need more counselling. He has had more than I have but I have had some in the past. I think it’ll be ongoing for life now that we will need to dip in and out of counselling for support navigating this. Maybe that’s the same for you guys? It’s a rollercoaster, sometimes things feel ok and you feel steady and then bam! It hits you again and the rough patch starts. There must be a way of controlling those times?

Do you want to split from him? Do you still make each other happy at other times?

I think men need other men. A counsellor breaking down is hopeless. A male counsellor would be better.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child. There is nothing so painful as the loss of a child.
I am 8 years on from losing my son in dreadful circumstances.
For me and my husband and our 2 remaining children, our lives changed completely in every possible way. Our children had counselling, we did not. It isn't right for everyone.
For me, a support group was a huge help.The bereavement board on here got me through some very dark times, as has the support of a couple of mums in the same situation in real life.
My husband nternalised his grief and things were very hard for a couple of years. We focused everything on supporting our other children and that is what got us through.
I have no doubt the delay of the inquest has been very damaging.
I have heard of a couple of support groups for men who have lost children. Do you think something like that might help your husband?
I am sorry he didn't find a suitable counsellor when he tried. Both my dc experienced the same. It took a couple of years to find the right support.
This may sound strange, but perhaps you could write to your MP and ask for support around the delayed and chaotic processes. Responsibility / blame needs to be apportioned and declared in order that no blame can be placed on you or your husband. He needs to hear that and waiting 7 years is outrageous and unacceptable.

I'm going to warn you now, that inquest is not going to hold anyone accountable, and you will be gaslit to your face by the coroner, solicitors, witnesses and NHS personnel in order to absolve the NHS, because it is in the court's interest to not apportion blame to a government organisation.

I'm really sorry but I don't think you should even attend the inquest unless you want to be lied to, treated like you're crazy and given absolutely no grace or empathy. It will further the division between you and your partner.

Im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby boy.

After such a loss adjusting to life that is so encompassed by grief must be horrendous. I think as adults we all presume time will shrink the pain and life will move on and it won’t be as painful but the death of a child is unnatural to parents, so you can wait around hoping grief lifts and sadly it doesn’t. Some things we just can’t get over and we need to be told more that it’s okay. What isnt okay is not learning to navigate your new life which is heavily influenced by your sadness. Things can still be wonderful in your life of course, but there will always be a shadow of grief cast. And again, that’s okay - but your son would have loved you, dad and his brother and would want you to be happy. All of you. And often what stops us from achieving that is the harrowing guilt. I can’t imagine your pain and grief and I wish I could say something to help you and your husband, all I can say, before you leave your marriage if that is what you choose, is that you should have some joint kind of mediation, to both move on knowing that the end occurred because of circumstance of grief and you both deserve to live wonderful lives and try to co parent your gorgeous son in a way that brings neither of you more sadness or pain, do everything you each can to make the other’s life as stress free as you can. You both have been through so much.
If you both choose to stay together and work through grief I wish you every success and happiness in your futures.

Nobody should lose a baby or child and Im once again so sorry you have.

Further, at the inquest, no one else there is going to give you any sympathy for your loss. Any objections you have, any questions you have are going to be silently treated as simply the 'over emotional' bitterness of a grieving mother who is lashing out, and therefore seen as invalid.

The inquest is a brutal process and not a soul there is going to care that you lost your child, it's just going to be excuses after excuses and rewriting history about the idiot NHS staff members, (who probably didn't even get their medical degrees in the UK) who killed your baby.

Most of the attendees there will be people who are looking to excuse and justify the mistakes that led to your child's death and it's going to be a lot to handle. Bring family with you, ask them to take the time off work.

It is beyond disgraceful it has taken this long for the inquest to resolve. A counsellor who does not exhibit an emotional response would be much more effective. Healing like grief is an intensely personal process and can only really begin when the wound is acknowledged and help sought from those with skill and experience in healing. Good luck to you all.

Oh no its not our fault it has taken this long for the inquest to happen. The inquest was held up by the court closing for 8 months due to covid. Then being moved to 3 different coroners over the remaining time. During that we have found out it was sat without a coroner unappointed for nearly a year. We have chased and chased what's happening with the case and most of the time your just fobbed off, ignored or not responded to and been to the 3 different MPs we have had over this period for support they have contacted the court on our behalf chased up our case. The courts are all in a mess since covid happened and sadly we are not the only ones that have been left for years like this. Witness statements have already been provided unsigned and undated by the defendent representatives that then required the defendent solicitors to go back the witnesses to sign and date them.. which has taken months if not years to complete for some of them they have been allowed to drag it all out this long. The court have given us empty apologies in the past for all the delays, false promises that it will happen soon and then for no action to be taken. Agree with what some of you have said about the inquest process also, we are finding that out. Something has happened this week that has totally shocked us that the defendent solicitors are being allowed to do by the court at this late stage our MP is again offering his assistance with this..it does all feel very set up and wrong. It has taken such an awful toll on us both.

I'm so sorry @Workwtf to hear of your baby girls death, no one should know what it feels like, especially during birth of a healthy baby. I'm sorry if this has been in anyway triggering for the birth trauma you live with hearing my story. It is so impactful for relationships, like a huge wave that keeps washing over and over and over again. I don't know how we have got through this in all honesty but somehow we are here, limping along carrying this burden and hoping it will bring us together stronger at some point in this grief process. I truly hope you find that happens too for you and your partner.