How to process this - sex and marriage

[Piccalino3]

I am separated from my husband of 13 years and am just starting to process what went wrong in our marriage and why.

I think it boils down to a lack of emotional connection and intimacy over many years, but today I have been thinking about how our sex life dwindled. We have 3 kids, I've had birth injuries each time and then a recent repair of the last injury, so there's been a fair bit of physical trauma to that area that did no good for that aspect of our lives. Over the last 5 years, really since our last child was born, I didn't want to have sex anymore. Our physical intimacy stopped over the last year because any non sexual physical touch would lead to pressure for sex, which I didn't want.

The thing I'm trying to process now is my feelings about sex. For the last 2-3 years of our relationship I would give in to duty sex. My husband would ask and I'd say no, and then he'd pester and sulk which made me feel pressured. I'd give in at times to keep the peace, sometimes I would be actively angry while doing it and say something along the lines of 'hurry up and get it over with', he would and then he'd say thank you. There were a few occasions I turned to my side after and cried. The pestering wasn't all time, maybe once a month, but the feeling of emptiness would be awful. I couldn't bear to kiss him, would turn my head away. Sometimes I would actually feel physically like I wanted sex but also really didn't want to do it which was confusing. There were a couple of occasions he was drunk and threatened me by shouting that there would be 'consequences', although we never discussed what these were.

He was never forceful, and I did tell him the impact of his behaviour when we went to marriage counselling and that it made me feel like a wank sock. I tried surgery to fix my prolapse, HRT, reading erotic books etc to increase my desire, it didn't work and now we are separated I find that I am sexually interested in another man, so when I thought I was broken I was not, it was probably the situation. He was hurt by the lack of physical touch and I understand that.

Suddenly I find myself reflecting on these experiences of sex and it's upset me. I think of my husband to be a good person and things just didn't work out with us for various reasons, but this sits with me, I wonder how I'll react in my next relationship (if I have one) around sex and expectation.

Has anyone had any experience of this?

Thanks @CrystalSingerFan. I didn't realise you meant fiction, lol! I'll have a look at that, although my 11 year old daughter would have a right field day if she found those types of books in my house!

Discovering my sexuality again is something that is on the agenda though. I've never really thought about it until now. I did buy myself a few nice sets of underwear so that's a start in a very small way.

You might find this helpful
https://www.omgyes.com/

Thanks @MiloMinderbinder925, I've been meaning to sign up to this. I've put it on my list!

@AnAries Why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex?

Duty sex is unwanted and barely tolerated by one partner, usually the woman. It's often coerced because the woman fears the man's reaction if she doesn't do it. And it involves a man penetrating his unwilling partner, which speaks volumes about what he thinks of her.

You're describing rape. If a woman feels pressured into sex, it's rape.

I know women who choose to have sex with their husband's despite feeling no sexual desire. They are not being coerced.

This is from the Sexual Offences Act

Section 74“Consent”
For the purposes of this Part, a person consents if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice.

You need freedom and capacity to consent.

If you have been threatened with consequences for not having sex, you don't have freedom. If you are pressured into having sex you don't have freedom.

I can't imagine many men having duty sex,

Which tells you straight up that "duty sex" is a patriarchal tool used by men to coercively gain sexual access to women.

I'd hate to think someone was having sex with me when they didn't want it.

This is because you are a decent person with empathy for the person you are thinking of shagging. It speaks volumes that people don't hold men to that standard of empathy.

Surely it has a negative impact on the relationship in the longer term?

Yes, because the woman over time comes to realise that her husband doesn't consider her as a human being, but as a combination of housework robot and Real Doll, and she realises that she is being exploited by someone who would be lining up her replacement within months if she left or died.

I don’t think it’s a huge ask to fake enthusiasm for fifteen minutes of intimacy with someone you supposedly love

I think that lying to someone like that is an enormous act of contempt for that person. If I cannot trust you to be honest with me in bed, I cannot trust you to be honest about anything else.

Also, if DTD is only taking 15 minutes, that's a problem right there. It takes me at least half an hour of foreplay to get properly turned on otherwise penetration hurts, and I'm not unusual amongst women in this.

@AnAries I understand. You don't want to have sex with your partner but haven't told them so you're being loving and letting them masturbate inside you.

Not everyone feels like you.

Buying chocolate is in no way comparable to having sex.

If I found out that my partner had lied to me about wanting sex, I'd never trust them again and I'd be appalled that they thought that kind of deception was OK. I'd be paranoid that I'd done something to make them think that they couldn't be honest with me. The relationship would be over, immediately.

Am I the only person on this thread who thinks it's utterly sociopathic to lie like that?

There is a difference between tactfully not voicing all your opinions and lying to your partner that you want and are enjoying sex that you in fact don't want and don't enjoy.

That's not what you said initially though, is it? You were talking about faking enthusiasm, pretending to want it when you don't. You weren't talking about openly saying "well, I don't really feel like it but I'll cuddle you and give you a hand shandy because I like making you happy".

If my partner was open about not being keen but wanting to please me, I'd respect his honesty and politely decline the offer, because a reluctant partner is the biggest turn-off ever. Lying would mean game over.

I'd rather be celibate for life than fake enthusiasm or be faked to. Trust and integrity matter far more to me than orgasms. I feel sorry for people who need others to lie to them in order to feel good.

That obviously works for you and I'm happy for you but I don't understand what it has to do with the OP.

What does that have to do with the OP who is being coerced into sex that makes her cry and told that there will be consequences?

Is preference falsification what passes for "love" in neurotypical society? I'll pass, thanks.

To say again: if I can't trust you about the little things, like whether you actually want to fuck tonight, how can I trust you about the big things, like whether you have a massive gambling debt or whether you are cheating?

Lying is never an act of love.