Dh dragging feet on buying a house

[Sprinklepink]

So annoyed rn. Dh has been dragging his feet so much about buying a house. I save loads on rightmove and Zoopla and after 3 years of searching he said today he’s never noticed I’m saving properties to look at. I’ve asked him to view properties and he cba and today I said I think it’s best if we go into the estate agents as often they’ll have houses that aren’t even on rightmove etc and that can be very helpful as we’re not in a chain.

his answer is we’re looking all over the country how can we go to every single estate agent in the U.K. that’s a ridiculous idea.

we’re not looking all over the country, we’re looking within a 1.5 hour commute to London, which although is a large area, with budget constraints I feel like he could possibly work out a few estate agents that might be worth a visit.

just tired of it all today and ranting ahhh

You need to ask him what's going on? Why is he so reluctant? Be careful - does he have something that is negatively affecting his credit score and he doesn't want you to find out? It's more common than you'd think.

He's either happy where he is and sees no reason to change the situation. Is there a reason that he sees is 'good enough'?

Or, he knows it's a big commitment - in some ways harder to get out of than a marriage.

Or, as said above, the financial commitment part concerns him in some way.

Sounds like a proper chat is in order.

He might just not care about it and cba.

I actually got a copy of his credit score because I was so suspicious as to why he’s dragging his feet but everything on there I know about. We are renting on a rolling contract we have already had to move two times in these three years due to landlords selling up. I don’t want to have to move again to another rental. I really want some stability.

i don’t think I can do much tbh I think he probably doesn’t care. When I get seriously angry about the situation he pretends to care but I think he’s just saying stuff rather than actually cares otherwise it wouldn’t have got to 3 years now.

In your position I would suggest visiting a different town each weekend to see where you actually want to live. It’s very hard if you don’t have a feeling for the towns at all. While doing that you could view a property or two and chat with the estate agent. If he doesn’t want to do that, perhaps ask him to suggest an approach (and if he doesn’t want to do that, it seems he indeed doesn’t want to buy anything).

Thanks @Zeitumschaltung i have suggested this and said even if we see one every other weekend that’s quite a number of viewings a month then. He is currently on a theme of house pieces are going down so why would we buy now as well. That’s a recent thing though. Prices haven’t gone down 1.5 hours from London in most place imo. He doesn’t need to see any of the properties I like. So I’ve asked him to select a couple and he said he can’t find anything.
all rather frustrating!
I thin k he’s also doesn’t want to admit what we’re looking at now compared to three years ago is now worse.

You can search individual estate agents through Rightmove. Just click on their logo and it takes you to their page where you can see all their properties, not just the ones they promote on Rightmove.

Once you’ve narrowed down your choice from the comfort of your sofa, then go and see what they are like.

Spending every weekend driving around will cause frustration and friction. Especially when he’s not keen already.

He doesn't want to commit to the relationship to that extent. I'd make it a deal breaker.

It's a huge (and scary) commitment. For me anyway, something about a mortgage that terrified me. We have one now. But you need to speak to him and see what's going on

This. He doesn't want to commit. Sorry OP.

No, you can’t. When you select see all properties by a particular agent it will ONLY show the properties listed on Rightmove by that agent.

99.9% of agents list every property online, on Rightmove, in such a tough market they have to to have a chance of selling that property.

tbh I woundn’t buy now, and i own my own agency! But; I sense it’s the lack of communication and commitment that is the issue here and not the fact that he doesn’t want to buy.

That said, there are some good deals to be had in most of the UK, I have no idea how you are looking at worse stuff now than three years ago unless you can borrow significantly less. Prices have dropped in the last three years since trust fucked up the economy not gone up.

How long have you been married? Are you coming in with equal savings/deposit? Are you having equal responsibility going forward for payments?

Do you have a mortgage in principle in place? Have you worked out how much deposit you have available and what your upper budget would be? This might be constrained by how much mortgage you can get (but our lender would have let us borrow another £150k more than we did, which we definitely didn’t want). Highly recommend an independent mortgage broker.

Until you’ve done all the above, no sense booking viewings you’re wasting everyone’s time. My instinct here would be he either is contemplating his exit or he has secret debt (that might prevent him getting a mortgage) or he isn’t earning as much as he says he is.

All that being said, you do not need to go around to talk to estate agents. It’s a waste of time. Look on Rightmove. Back in COVID times, yes, properties were going STC sight unseen. But the market is now definitely a buyer’s market. Unless you are looking for something very unique, 3 bed semis in Surrey aren’t going that quickly. Focus on getting your financials sorted and narrow down exactly what you are looking for, which will be much easier to do online.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to commit to you. Is this a marriage, later life relationship, equal split of costs or what?

It's a marriage - I don't think it gets any more committed than that!

OP - just move ahead on your own. Find a property you like and make an offer on it. if you're able to buy alone, even better.

3 years? Yeah he doesn’t want to buy a house with you. Sit him down and find out why.

The problem is that DH doesn’t want to buy a house, is my guess. You need a proper talk to decide what next if your wishes in this important area are opposite.

You have had to leave rented property's and move twice in the past 3 year all while "house searching". Yeah he doesn't want to buy. If my landlord essentially kicked me out it would light a fire up my backside to find a home, I could never move from one to the other. Something going on here OP.

''@PrincessofWells · Yesterday 19:56
He doesn't want to commit to the relationship to that extent. I'd make it a deal breaker.''

Exactly.

It does not make sense if you are married and still renting not to be looking for a property of your own and he has been stalling for three years...

I would question whether he is really committed.

You need a serious conversation and you need to know what is going on and make it clear that this is a deal breaker for you.

You don't want to be and stay with a partner who will waste your time for years when it comes to important things like buying a house together or having kids (if that is something you want as well).

'@DenholmElliot11 · Today 08:34
It's a marriage - I don't think it gets any more committed than that!''

Being married but not having a mortgage or kids together make it easier for him to divorce/walk away if needed...don't be so naive.

Can you afford to move out by yourself?

He may be married but he isn't committed. ASK him what exactly is the problem. I live in North Essex, a lovely part of the country where prices are still relatively cheap. There's no excuse not to buy.

This, sadly. Do you have children together?

Do you both have the money for the deposit? I don’t know whether you have joint/ separate finances. Although he may not have a poor credit rating he not have the savings he was supposed to have to enable a purchase which might come to light now?

When you truly want to buy you accept that weekends are going to be taken up with viewings and you do speak to estate agents and they will talk to you and give you details of properties not on Rightmove as long as they can see true intent and the means to buy.

1.5 hr commute from London is still a very wide area so if you haven’t narrowed that down a bit it could be quite daunting thinking about committing to not just a house but an area. Maybe if you guys knew you wanted to live in x location he would find it easier to get on with viewing in that area?

I think it’s the financial aspect of having less money in the bank once we spend the deposit and stamp duty. He looks at that as security whereas I look at having a home that’s ours as security. I think that anyway he hasn’t actually said that.

it’s infuriating as I think having a home equals stability that just having money in the bank can’t always replace.

Maybe take your share of the money out and buy a flat for yourself with it? Otherwise, you're going to end up priced out of the market.