I'd like some advice from knowledgeable women please.

BritishFoodFan · 2025-05-02T23:33:00+00:00

Hi Ok. Long one. My sister was with a very abusive man for 30 years, I always knew he was a terrible person. Very charming. I knew when I was about 14 to never trust a charming man. My sister was raped by a stranger when she was eight. I was nearby, it wasn't a hidden family thing, I actually think as a family we dealt well with it. I do remember thinking when I saw her after, I will kill him. Anyhoo, even though I'm younger I've always felt very protective towards my sister. She was married to a Bad Man for 30 years, he tried it on with me, he tried it on with my friends, he was never faithful. And he made lies in about me to discredit my love and fealty for my sister. Everyone loved him. He caused lots of problems with my familial relationships. And then He died. My sister tried to perform CPR on him but it was a massive cardiac event. Dead. Yay! I've seen my sister more in the last 18 months than I did in the previous 18 years. I'm so glad to have her back. But. She keeps drinking and telling me really bad things he did, he was violent, never faithful, financially abusive, emotionally abusive, sexually abusive. I knew he was bad, I didn't know how bad. And then the next day she'll say, but he wasn't so bad... He was bad. He was a bad man. He was a bad man, and he fucked a lot of my family relationships up for years. And I don't want him to carry on doing it after he's dead. I just want him to fuck off forever. But he's still here like a fucking wraith. I kept showing up, even though he made me unwelcome in my own family, I kept showing up. And now I want my sister back. But she's still fucked by him. I've advised her to look at trauma bonding and get a trauma informed therapist. Any ideas or advice? Thanks!

Maitri108 · 03/05/2025 00:42

Abusive relationships are complex and survivors tend to live in denial and suffer from something called trauma bonding.

Your sister can speak to her local domestic abuse organisation and enquire about specialist counselling. If she doesn't want to go that route she may benefit from trauma based therapy.

Regarding her sexual abuse, The Survivor's Trust has a good helpline and can help her find specialist counselling.

She would benefit from the Freedom Programme to help her learn about healthy relationships.

Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 00:44

Maitri108 · 03/05/2025 00:42

Abusive relationships are complex and survivors tend to live in denial and suffer from something called trauma bonding.

Your sister can speak to her local domestic abuse organisation and enquire about specialist counselling. If she doesn't want to go that route she may benefit from trauma based therapy.

Regarding her sexual abuse, The Survivor's Trust has a good helpline and can help her find specialist counselling.

She would benefit from the Freedom Programme to help her learn about healthy relationships.

Thanks.

Yes, I've spoken to her about trauma bonding.

And advised a trauma based therapist.

I think it goes on deaf ears though...

OP posts:

Maitri108 · 03/05/2025 00:46

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 00:44

Thanks.

Yes, I've spoken to her about trauma bonding.

And advised a trauma based therapist.

I think it goes on deaf ears though...

Show quote history

Just be there for her. A group like the Freedom Programme might be a gateway to getting help.

Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 00:49

She has three sons and is absolutely determined not to 'protect' them from it. Even though they were all absolutely exposed to it.

She won't accept it.

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Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 00:51

It breaks my heart.

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RedHelenB · 03/05/2025 06:04

Let her remember him in the way she wants to. There a reason people say you shouldn't speak ill of the dead. I'd spend your time with her in making new, positive memories.

CalypsoCuthbertson · 03/05/2025 06:22

The best thing you can do is just be there for her - be calm and consistent, don’t pressure her into anything, don’t try to convince her to see things the way you see it. The contrast between your love and what she’s experienced will gradually sink in and might open her up to finding more help in future. But you can’t force it or control it, you can’t change other people - by doing so you risk being low level manipulative yourself. Just love her as she is. It’s hard to watch but it’s not your journey. Take a break when you need to so you can be your best self for her when you’re with her.

It’s VERY hard to lose your partner too - it’s a massive shift of everything in your life and the grief and disorientation can be immense to the point of wanting to die to escape it. However bad he was, she’ll be going through her version of grief, and it’s even more complicated to work through when it’s been an abusive relationship and difficult death. It’s like your whole life, belief system, everything, needs to flip upside down to recover. Slower is faster with trauma recovery. I’d be very gentle and sensitive with her while she works through it at her own pace. You can’t rush it. She would probably benefit from professional help but again you can’t force it, just give her the information and be there for her - be something different and loving that she can anchor to over time.

Wecantkeepthisup · 03/05/2025 06:25

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 00:44

Thanks.

Yes, I've spoken to her about trauma bonding.

And advised a trauma based therapist.

I think it goes on deaf ears though...

Show quote history

It falls on deaf ears as she isn't ready to hear it.

She needs you to be there and just listen. She's in the very early stages of processing the last 30+ years.

She may or may not have therapy. If she has it, it'll be on her terms, in her time.

Love her by just being there.

Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 06:27

CalypsoCuthbertson · 03/05/2025 06:22

The best thing you can do is just be there for her - be calm and consistent, don’t pressure her into anything, don’t try to convince her to see things the way you see it. The contrast between your love and what she’s experienced will gradually sink in and might open her up to finding more help in future. But you can’t force it or control it, you can’t change other people - by doing so you risk being low level manipulative yourself. Just love her as she is. It’s hard to watch but it’s not your journey. Take a break when you need to so you can be your best self for her when you’re with her.

It’s VERY hard to lose your partner too - it’s a massive shift of everything in your life and the grief and disorientation can be immense to the point of wanting to die to escape it. However bad he was, she’ll be going through her version of grief, and it’s even more complicated to work through when it’s been an abusive relationship and difficult death. It’s like your whole life, belief system, everything, needs to flip upside down to recover. Slower is faster with trauma recovery. I’d be very gentle and sensitive with her while she works through it at her own pace. You can’t rush it. She would probably benefit from professional help but again you can’t force it, just give her the information and be there for her - be something different and loving that she can anchor to over time.

Thank you.

That made me cry. You're right.

I'm in a bit of 'I told you so' at the moment.

But that's not what I need to do.

Thank you.

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Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 06:30

He was a fucking poison in our family, but yes I need to understand that he was a poison in her life every day.

And that's not easily undone.

Thank you. I need to step back. In the best way.

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CalypsoCuthbertson · 03/05/2025 06:33

You’re okay. You obviously love her and want the best for her, and you’re feeling the anger for her that she needs to feel for herself over time. Just take it very slow and steady with her

Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 06:34

I was just so glad when he died and I got my sister back.

But yes, she's processing the last 30 years.

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hhtddbkoygv · 03/05/2025 06:39

Maitri108 · 03/05/2025 00:42

Abusive relationships are complex and survivors tend to live in denial and suffer from something called trauma bonding.

Your sister can speak to her local domestic abuse organisation and enquire about specialist counselling. If she doesn't want to go that route she may benefit from trauma based therapy.

Regarding her sexual abuse, The Survivor's Trust has a good helpline and can help her find specialist counselling.

She would benefit from the Freedom Programme to help her learn about healthy relationships.

AI or a bot?

Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 06:41

And when she told me things I didn't know, I thought 'I fucking knew it'.

But it's not about me is it?

It is a bit, my mother loved him so much and believed him when he told her I was mad and mental. He did so much harm on my quite sensible family. I was a bit rebellious as a youth, and he used that for 30 years to discredit me to my own family.

So I have beef!

But yeah, I have a very lovely husband who saw what was going on and had my back.

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Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 06:43

hhtddbkoygv · 03/05/2025 06:39

AI or a bot?

Show quote history

I dunno.

Seems sensible advice.

OP posts:

MsJinks · 03/05/2025 06:51

I see she tried CPR - this part will have been hugely traumatic, she will feel guilty she didn't succeed (wrongly), so she's probably stuck there trying to figure out if she could have done better, why she didn't succeed. The talking about him being bad then ok is probably a part of this, as well as working through the loss.
I would recommend counselling for this, or perhaps just getting a medical person/patient liaison to explain how rare it is to succeed at CPR, or perhaps it was an event that was never going to respond to any intervention- this may help. The potential guilt wrapped up in this doesn't really have reference to good/bad person.

Also there are 30 years for her to unpack, 30 years of her normal gone in a flash - this is huge too.

With bad relationships it can be harder in some ways to process the grief, there's so much tangled up in it.

I'd struggle too though OP, to be the normal bereavement type support due to his abhorrent behaviour. I think ideally you do need to just listen and let her find her own conclusions, though suggest ways to support as discussed here and above. Take care of yourself, you also are processing big emotions and trying to care for others, which is hard.

AnonAnonmystery · 03/05/2025 06:55

Help her make some new good memories now you have her back. Book a girly holiday, go on shopping trips .., spend time doing the simple things like watching a movie at hom or a pamper night.
She will grieve whether you like it or not. He sounds like an awful man and hopefully in time she will be ready for therapy. Your poor sister has been through hell, her childhood destroyed at 8 years old. I really hope the next chapter in her life is a happier one x

category12 · 03/05/2025 06:55

It might be worth taking a step back and considering what you need.

Your mum basically put this abusive shitbag ahead of you. I'm wondering if there's dysfunction in the family beyond the influence of this man, as sometimes upbringing makes a person vulnerable to abusive partners.

While it's good to be supportive to your sister, don't do so much that it harms you. You're important too.

Timeforabiscuit · 03/05/2025 07:01

Your sister may not want help right now, but that doesn't mean you can't take some time and process the anger you have at the situation.

I'd also say be there for her children too, like you said, they've seen the lot but also will have alot of complicated feelings.

It can be really draining providing that kind of support, so I would focus on making sure you are able to help and being in a mentally prepared place to do so, rather than jumping in continually.

Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 07:09

category12 · 03/05/2025 06:55

It might be worth taking a step back and considering what you need.

Your mum basically put this abusive shitbag ahead of you. I'm wondering if there's dysfunction in the family beyond the influence of this man, as sometimes upbringing makes a person vulnerable to abusive partners.

While it's good to be supportive to your sister, don't do so much that it harms you. You're important too.

Perceptive.

Yes, of course there is, my mother wasn't great, she caused harm. I know men get a great deal of shit, but I had a really good dad, he made me the woman I am that takes no shit from men.

I'm one of five, me and my Dad have the best relationship of all of them. He sees me. He is me.

And that's not always been easy!

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Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 07:14

MsJinks · 03/05/2025 06:51

I see she tried CPR - this part will have been hugely traumatic, she will feel guilty she didn't succeed (wrongly), so she's probably stuck there trying to figure out if she could have done better, why she didn't succeed. The talking about him being bad then ok is probably a part of this, as well as working through the loss.
I would recommend counselling for this, or perhaps just getting a medical person/patient liaison to explain how rare it is to succeed at CPR, or perhaps it was an event that was never going to respond to any intervention- this may help. The potential guilt wrapped up in this doesn't really have reference to good/bad person.

Also there are 30 years for her to unpack, 30 years of her normal gone in a flash - this is huge too.

With bad relationships it can be harder in some ways to process the grief, there's so much tangled up in it.

I'd struggle too though OP, to be the normal bereavement type support due to his abhorrent behaviour. I think ideally you do need to just listen and let her find her own conclusions, though suggest ways to support as discussed here and above. Take care of yourself, you also are processing big emotions and trying to care for others, which is hard.

Apparently when he was alive he said;

When I die it will be you fault.

Dick.

So my sister now feels fault beyond the grave.

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Pinkissmart · 03/05/2025 08:17

Well, stop judging your sister.

You're not her therapist, you can't make her 'see' anything.

She had been damaged before she met him which made her vulnerable. She was further broken down by him and now he's dead. She won't heal from decades of trauma by you pointing out he was bad. She won't come to terms with what he's done to her and her children by someone pointing out he was bad.
She has to heal at a very deep level.
Stop trying to fix her, that is incredibly patronising. Just try and have some fun with her, spend quality time . Instead of fixating on what she's doing wrong, start noticing her strengths.

Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 08:40

Pinkissmart · 03/05/2025 08:17

Well, stop judging your sister.

You're not her therapist, you can't make her 'see' anything.

She had been damaged before she met him which made her vulnerable. She was further broken down by him and now he's dead. She won't heal from decades of trauma by you pointing out he was bad. She won't come to terms with what he's done to her and her children by someone pointing out he was bad.
She has to heal at a very deep level.
Stop trying to fix her, that is incredibly patronising. Just try and have some fun with her, spend quality time . Instead of fixating on what she's doing wrong, start noticing her strengths.

Yes

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Original poster

BritishFoodFan · 03/05/2025 08:52

Thank you @Pinkissmart.

You speak sense.

I appreciate your opinion.

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Epidote · 03/05/2025 08:59

Time, therapy an willing to heal is what she needs. You need patience and the capability of open her eyes to small pleasant things the live has. It is a new start for her but she need to get rid of the weight she is carrying. Basically she is stuck takes time to move forward when you are in that place.