I'd like some advice from knowledgeable women please.

[BritishFoodFan]

Hi

Ok.

Long one.

My sister was with a very abusive man for 30 years, I always knew he was a terrible person. Very charming. I knew when I was about 14 to never trust a charming man.

My sister was raped by a stranger when she was eight.

I was nearby, it wasn't a hidden family thing, I actually think as a family we dealt well with it.

I do remember thinking when I saw her after, I will kill him.

Anyhoo, even though I'm younger I've always felt very protective towards my sister.

She was married to a Bad Man for 30 years, he tried it on with me, he tried it on with my friends, he was never faithful.

And he made lies in about me to discredit my love and fealty for my sister.

Everyone loved him. He caused lots of problems with my familial relationships.

And then

He died.

My sister tried to perform CPR on him but it was a massive cardiac event. Dead. Yay!

I've seen my sister more in the last 18 months than I did in the previous 18 years.

I'm so glad to have her back.

But.

She keeps drinking and telling me really bad things he did, he was violent, never faithful, financially abusive, emotionally abusive, sexually abusive. I knew he was bad, I didn't know how bad.

And then the next day she'll say, but he wasn't so bad...

He was bad. He was a bad man.

He was a bad man, and he fucked a lot of my family relationships up for years.

And I don't want him to carry on doing it after he's dead.

I just want him to fuck off forever. But he's still here like a fucking wraith.

I kept showing up, even though he made me unwelcome in my own family, I kept showing up.

And now I want my sister back. But she's still fucked by him.

I've advised her to look at trauma bonding and get a trauma informed therapist.

Any ideas or advice?

Thanks!

I feel though it’s not good deny to reality. He gaslit her when he was alive. And she has that internal gaslighting voice of his still. Give her space and be what she needs for the moment. Hopefully she will consider therapy. The boys though need to know the truth otherwise it can damage them in other ways to have their memories rewritten or invalidated. That could be hugely damaging to their own healing. You can absolutely speak ill of the dead if it reflects reality. Indeed it could be damaging not to.

Yes.

It's been 30 years of shite.

I don't know

I'm both. I'm sure the OP appreciates your contribution.

Yes! I know that the madness that's currently going on isn't good for them.

I just want my sister back and for him to never have existed...

Wishful thinking and all that.

Erm, it was hard for 30 years, it was doubly hard when I realised the majority of my family believed his fucking bullshit.

But I just kept showing up.

And knew that my husband and Dad knew that I wasn't a fucking nut job!

Unfortunately my sister's relationship with my Dad wasn't great mainly because of that twat.

I'm just fucking sick of it .

Message from the bot incoming.

You sound completely burnt out and it's hardly surprising given how this has gone on for a long time.

People don't realise how much of a strain abuse can have on other family members. Now your sister is safe, you could take a step back for a while and take some time to recuperate.

Perhaps get some counselling yourself to help process it all and focus on yourself and your own healing. Your sister has been given information on the Freedom Programme, specialised counselling and helplines and it's for her her to access those services.

I'm wondering if reading up on codependency would also be helpful.

Message over.

Thanks bot!

Yes, my husband & Dad have both suggested counselling to work this through.

Because I do feel that he's still here, I told her I won't speak about him any more, that man did me so much harm, he only raged at me once in public, only my husband saw it.

He used to refuse to go to family gatherings when I was there because 'I was mad'.

So I got sidelined by my Mum, because he didn't like me being there.

I used to show up to piss him off.

And to show my sister I'm just going to keep being here.

As much as you hate the guy, theres nothing you can do about what happened/was said. You can only move forward.

your sister and probably the boys too should see a therapist just to process whats happened with his death and abuse. Would The Freedom Programme help her too?

the best thing your sister can do is not drink through this but to talk about and process whats gone on with a clear head. Just be there gor her snd she will come out the other side. Reminds me of this i saw once

She hasn't had closure he died with her still in the fog of abuse and that's a really really difficult thing for her and you