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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is he so tired?

43 replies

Shleepymummy · 02/05/2025 22:06

DH and I have 2 preschool children. He works full time but where he’s self employed is usually home before 5pm. Some days it’s 2/3pm and he will have a shower, have some time alone in the house. He doesn’t do housework/laundry/much house admin but does do a few bits if I ask him to and he does cook and help with the kids.
I work 3 days a week and do everything at home. I am never home before the kids as I do nursery pick up so I’m never home alone/have peace and quiet. We are both tired- it’s not a contest I know and he’s allowed to be tired.
I can’t understand why he’s so tired that he’s falling asleep at 8pm when we are watching tv. I don’t fall asleep like that!
It’s just starting to annoy me as we end up spending no time together or talking because we are either at work, dealing with the kids or he is asleep! Also means our sex life has taken a hit and we just don’t do it anymore. Plus him falling asleep and then taking himself to bed leaves me to do dishwasher, lock up, hang laundry. I feel like I do a lot more and I’m not falling asleep every evening before the sun has set- am I allowed to think oh come on mate 😂
not sure what the point of this is- just a moan! He does drink in the evening- maybe I need to suggest he stops that.

OP posts:
giddyauntie123 · 02/05/2025 22:11

It is very annoying when you're the last one standing and end up doing the lockdown and dishwasher duties. I'm in the same boat. No advice but sending solidarity. My therapist always asks the annoying question "how is this relationship/behaviour serving you?" Annoying but makes me think

Whatahardlife · 02/05/2025 22:12

Is it a physical job he does OP?
What time does he get up for work?
And is he drinking every evening?

Mrsmouse71 · 02/05/2025 22:13

What time is he up/out? What is his job? Is it physical? How much does he drink/what does he drink? Too many questions

Papl · 02/05/2025 22:15

Does he snore? Could be sleep apnea dh was like that until he got a cpap

Mrsmouse71 · 02/05/2025 22:15

giddyauntie123 · 02/05/2025 22:11

It is very annoying when you're the last one standing and end up doing the lockdown and dishwasher duties. I'm in the same boat. No advice but sending solidarity. My therapist always asks the annoying question "how is this relationship/behaviour serving you?" Annoying but makes me think

It can be annoying if you’re the last one standing but it definitely helps if there’s context

Spandaupants · 02/05/2025 22:16

I have to sleep every chance I can get , everyone has different energy levels, brain work also take physical energy

Coffeislife · 02/05/2025 22:19

My husband works a hell of a load and often falls asleep straight after dinner his job extremely physical however sometimes he also drives up to 4 hours a day which drains him more =/ but in general I have more energy and less sleep requirements then him.

Original poster
Shleepymummy · 02/05/2025 22:20

Mrsmouse71 · 02/05/2025 22:13

What time is he up/out? What is his job? Is it physical? How much does he drink/what does he drink? Too many questions

We are both up around 6.30,
sometimes 6- depends on our 4 year old and when she wake, she’s our alarm clock!
we both leave the house around 7.30, for 8am start. He is in the trades so it’s a physical job yes. Eating wise he sometimes doesn’t eat in the day or little as he just works through. And recently it’s beer most nights. But then I don’t eat much in the day. I just don’t understand why he’s falling asleep and I’m not?! Trying to be supportive and not have it be that ‘who is more tired’ contest cos apparently he is more tired! It’s just really starting to annoy me that he’s falling asleep. Like living with a teenage, I don’t have to look after him like a toddler but I still have to tidy up after him etc and he’s not really giving much in terms of team work. I’m always just sat in silence on my own in evenings now 🫠😂

OP posts:
tirednessreigns · 02/05/2025 22:23

I can kind of emphasise with your Hubbie as I’m coming from a place of extreme tiredness relating to an autoimmune disorder. I have had days where I needed 14 hours sleep at night and another 3 hours of naps in the day with young children. Thankfully It’s sorted now but I needed all the support that I could get back then.
Have you encouraged him to go to the doctors for blood tests?

Whatahardlife · 02/05/2025 22:25

Well if he doesn't eat during the day and he is drinking beer most nights he's not doing his health any favours.
Especially as he is up relatively early and has a physical job.
Cutting down on the drink.and eating more sensibly would give him more energy.

justasking111 · 02/05/2025 22:31

Whatahardlife · 02/05/2025 22:25

Well if he doesn't eat during the day and he is drinking beer most nights he's not doing his health any favours.
Especially as he is up relatively early and has a physical job.
Cutting down on the drink.and eating more sensibly would give him more energy.

This he's not looking after himself so running on empty. He needs to eat well and cut out the alcohol. DH goes out Friday for a couple of hours with friends. Drinks two pints. He's at home for 7pm. Eats dinner, sits down to watch TV. He's asleep in no time.

Mrsmouse71 · 02/05/2025 22:32

Have you had a conversation about this with him? Is he eating properly? Meals to sustain the energy required for a physical job?

WesleyNeverDies · 02/05/2025 22:33

I'm another one with chronic fatigue included with auto immune problems, and yeah if I have to get up anytime before 7.30am I'm struggling to do a lot during the day, and feeling like I could pass out by 9.30pm. Is it possible he's got an issue?

As an aside, if he does have a health issue causing this, my heart goes out to both of you. I'm sure it's rubbish to have to be the one picking up the slack, and would feel unfair, but trust me that the frustration of being constantly exhausted is awful too. I have many chronic pains, but if I could cure one issue, it'd be the fatigue 100%. It steals your life from you.

Endofyear · 02/05/2025 23:00

OP you need to speak to him about this rather than letting resentment build up. Nothing will change unless you address it. Tell him what chores need doing and divide them up i.e. one of you does bath/bedtime with kids while the other deals with dishes/laundry. Remind him that you are a team and that you are finding evenings lonely while he is drinking and passing out on the sofa. His behaviour is not ok and you need to tell him that.

NameChangedOfc · 03/05/2025 07:54

He should have a blood test to check his iron levels.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 03/05/2025 08:11

You work three days a week but don’t have any time alone in the house, how is that?

If he is full time self employed is there some additional stress with regard to finding the next job/invoicing etc, he might be mentally fatigued with this.

TinyFlamingo · 03/05/2025 12:12

Is he drinking enough water throughout the day?
There are 4 sleep cronyms and some do have this pattern in terms of sleep.
Also as men get older their testosterone drops which can means for exhaustion.
If he is ND burnout is a thing.

All of that being said, it doesn't get him off the hook as a partner, and current situation doesn't sound very balanced.

Have you spoken to him about what's going on and how it's impacting you and making you feel?

BlondeAussie · 03/05/2025 12:15

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 03/05/2025 08:11

You work three days a week but don’t have any time alone in the house, how is that?

If he is full time self employed is there some additional stress with regard to finding the next job/invoicing etc, he might be mentally fatigued with this.

As she explains:

"I am never home before the kids as I do nursery pick up so I’m never home alone/have peace and quiet".

Presumably the other 4 days a week, the young children are constantly there.

YippyKiYay · 03/05/2025 12:17

He could be exhausted from work and getting depressed, not eating properly and then drinking to get some sleep before he does it all again.
Groundhog day sets in when kids are small, hang in there it gets better
Still sucks for you to be picking up the slack and doing more than your share every night. Can you leave a list of jobs somewhere neutral? We use a blackboard on our fridge for things... Eg grocery items needed. Can you pop to the shops at some point to get some time alone for yourself? I find even 30mins helps me reset.
I have DH with chronic illness so often pick up more, esp evenings when he gets too tired. It rankles, but I try and speak up about how exhausted I am when I hit the wall. Or I just go to bed before dinner and then leave him to it.
Good luck! Hang in there

bigvig · 03/05/2025 12:20

He drinks every night and doesn't seem to have a decent diet - that's your answer!

BuildbyNumbere · 03/05/2025 12:24

So physical job all day, not eating and then drinking every evening … needs to sort out his lifestyle. Should maybe see his GP for a check up too.

Gettingbysomehow · 03/05/2025 12:27

Drinking, no exercise, obesity, boredom. Just going to work and coming home. He sounds like he's lost the will to live.

Fallulah · 03/05/2025 12:31

Think you’ve answered it yourself tbh. Physical job, not maintaining energy levels during the day by not eating, and then drinking in the evening. There must be a big after dinner crash. Incidentally my DH is type 2 diabetic and the falling asleep after dinner was the first thing we noticed.

You said you never get to be at home on your own but you work 3 days a week, so once children go to school you will have that time. Could you afford a 4th day in nursery if time by yourself is that important?

UnicornBubble · 03/05/2025 12:38

What’s he like on the weekend?
I have an energy limiting health condition and fatigue is debilitating.
might be worth him going to the doctors and having a check up.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 03/05/2025 12:40

If he’s going to sleep at 8pm and getting up at 6am he’s getting 12 hours sleep. And if doesn’t seem to be enough if he’s still tired. He has to to a doctor. There’s something wrong. Maybe sleep apnea? In the meantime, he needs to start eating regular meals (so having lunch), stop drinking beer during the week (alcohol is bad for your sleep) and maybe check his mental health (depression??).
btw I wouldn’t say he’s working full time if he’s home at 2/3pm. Why is he not collecting the kids when he’s home at that time? Surely the first one home either cooks or collects the kids (or does both depending upon what time they’re home).