Why is he so tired?

[Shleepymummy]

DH and I have 2 preschool children. He works full time but where he’s self employed is usually home before 5pm. Some days it’s 2/3pm and he will have a shower, have some time alone in the house. He doesn’t do housework/laundry/much house admin but does do a few bits if I ask him to and he does cook and help with the kids.
I work 3 days a week and do everything at home. I am never home before the kids as I do nursery pick up so I’m never home alone/have peace and quiet. We are both tired- it’s not a contest I know and he’s allowed to be tired.
I can’t understand why he’s so tired that he’s falling asleep at 8pm when we are watching tv. I don’t fall asleep like that!
It’s just starting to annoy me as we end up spending no time together or talking because we are either at work, dealing with the kids or he is asleep! Also means our sex life has taken a hit and we just don’t do it anymore. Plus him falling asleep and then taking himself to bed leaves me to do dishwasher, lock up, hang laundry. I feel like I do a lot more and I’m not falling asleep every evening before the sun has set- am I allowed to think oh come on mate 😂
not sure what the point of this is- just a moan! He does drink in the evening- maybe I need to suggest he stops that.

Have you tried actually discussing this with him and getting his perspective on it? He may not be fully aware of the impact it’s having on you or how imbalanced the division of labour is. Marriage and parenting is a team effort and you’ve got to help each other out where you can. If there are ways in which you both could make some changes to your daily routine then this may actually serve you benefit you in the long run.

Is he depressed, being tired all the time is a symptom, from my past experience with DH the only noticeable symptom was extreme tiredness and I was doing absolutely everything at home. Drinking could be helping him to mask how he’s feeling. Definitely needs a trip to the Drs - could also be iron or vitamin deficiency.

Why is it that so many women in the UK say that their DH’s ”help” with the kids? It’s their own kids!?

Of course on Mumsnet everyone is going to say "tell him to cut out the drinking"

But I'm going to ask another question - do you snore?

My OH started doing what your hubby is doing - it turned out he wasn't sleeping at night because I was snoring and keeping him awake but he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to upset me, I know have a CPAP machine no longer snore and we're back to a normal life

How old is he? This is obviously a lot more concerning if he’s 25 than if he’s 55.

If he’s younger I’d expect him to make a GP appointment to check there isn’t a medical cause. I’d also want him to go to bed rather than nod off on the sofa. Plus get him to do his share of the jobs before 8pm!

What about if you dont watch tv? I feel really tired in the evenings and tv makes me sleep within a couple of minutes even if it is something I want to watch! It is a pain but maybe you could do something else?

So he stopped drinking?

Tot up the hours he is actually at work. Tot up the hours you are actually at work, and then add all the childcare, cleaning, cooking, laundry, life admin etc to your hours. He might be physically tired (and not eating properly during the day is doing him no favours), but being constantly on duty like you are is also tiring.

He just can't be bothered to do his share at home, and unless he has an underlying undiagnosed health condition, he is using tiredness as an excuse to get out of pulling his weight.

I was like this recently….had full blood tests & turned out I was severely deficient in vitamin D. I feel like a different person since having treatment.
So definitely worth ruling out any health problems.

He’s doing a physical job, not eating well and drinking in the evening. I think you have your answer. My guess would be, and I say this as someone who used to drink a lot and sometimes fall asleep places, that he is drinking more than you realise.

That said, if kids are in bed by 8pm and you are having time to watch tv in the evenings, you are doing pretty well. Dh and I haven’t had time to watch tv together in years.

If the household jobs are being left to you, he needs to do them while you are doing bedtime or whatever. Get the jobs done first before watching tv and they won’t get left til the end of the day.

You work 3 days, how many days does he work? His job is physical, what is yours?

Some people are just more tired.

DH works shifts and can easily survive on very little sleep.

I can sleep 9 hours and still be dozing off on the sofa at 8pm. DH works out the house and I wfh yet I'm the tired one.

It just is, what it is.

Back to basics.
proper nourishing food at proper meal times
enough water to drink
get bloods checked, several people have mentioned low Vit D makes you tired, but so does low iron caused by poor diet
stop drinking alcohol
and being tired with small children is normal

Coeliac disease? Only 1/3 of suffers are diagnosed. You don’t necessarily have much in the way of gut symptoms but extreme tiredness is a common symptom due to malabsorption/low iron.

www.facebook.com/share/v/1ADn6JpEnh/?

Agree with getting blood tests. I have an underactive thyroid and that makes me really tired. Could just be diet and drink, but best to rule out health problems.

Is there a reason he can't do the dishwasher as he takes himself off to bed, and lock up ?

Feel your pain ! mine does office job ( mentally draining in the area of work he’s in understandably )
waiting for sleep clinic as 99 per cent sure he has sleep apnea ! ( little one has it after sleep studies done last summer , awaiting surgery’s for tonsillectomy etc ) it is really frustrating ! Also I’m like just go to bed because your not getting people’s sleep on the sofa and then for the next two hours will drift in and out of sleep but to much effort to get up and take himself up to bed , like having another toddler that refuses to go to bed ! Empathise with you massively x

@Shleepymummy if you do a physical job then shower/bath chill you will probably fall asleep .He is getting to start his wind down earlier too that’s why.
He is also choosing alcohol over his sex life and relationship.
He is getting a lot of sleep .
You need to tell him if he’s choosing to put alcohol over your relationship he still has to pull his weight at home with kids and chores etc before he falls asleep.

What I think is how convenient !
Time to find a little anger .